Categories: Awesome German GuysBreaking The RulesEtiquetteLook Pro

The All-Red Onesie

Even Kittel can't make this work.

When it comes to personal style and charisma, Marcel Kittel is at the top of the food chain. Only a certain kind of genius admits on live television that the most stressful thing about racing a Grand Tour is having your hair gel confiscated by airport security. He also clearly has a mystical, Samsonesque power to his hair; off comes his helmet and his hair is as perfect as it was during the pre-race interview. The only other person I know who can wear a helmet all day and still have dreamy hair is Kylo Ren, but he obviously uses the power of the Dark Side to cultivate that talent. I don’t know what Marcel’s trick is.

Marcel is also blessed with the sort of devilish good looks that would make you hate him a little bit if he didn’t seem so damn mischievously fun to be around. Besides his perfect blond hair, the rotten little charmer has eyes the color of glacial pools and the sort of smile that makes women’s knees buckle involuntarily; everywhere he goes, women bob around like gas station windsock dancers.

He even makes the Etixx-QuickStep team kit look good, which is quite the accomplishment given that the only thing uglier than the Etixx-QuickStep team kit is the Astana team kit. Ain’t nobody can make that turquoise strip look good so long as Mario Cipollini doesn’t come out of retirement just to give it the old college try.

No matter how good you are at looking good, some things simply can’t be done because some things – like, say, wearing an all-red spandex onesie, makes you look like you are smuggling satsumas from the Netherlands into Italy.

So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs and don’t try to pull off the all-red onesie; leave that to the professionals. Actually, no. Don’t leave it to the professionals, either. Let’s not leave it to anyone. Please stop. Everyone. No more onesies in any color other than black. Please. For the children.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

May 11 2016 at 9:54 am

@VirenqueforeVer

I still love this:

https://youtu.be/PnJYlwo5DdE

Clean spirit is such an amazingly rad movie, and indeed - that scene is a real killer!
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 9:55 am

@dyalander

I know he’s not from Frankfurt but that’s ridiculous. He’s the wurst looking sprinter I’ve ever seen.

My goodness my guiness! +1 to you for that one, matey!
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 9:58 am

@KogaLover

@anthony

@frank

@chuckp

So much better.

Agreed! Restraint is important. and shown hear quite well IMO. No pink socks, no pink tape, no pink bike, (sorry Quintana) Tom looks good here. Pink and red are great but should be used sparingly.

Although Tom is one of my favourites ever, he did use pink tape…

@Oli

@KogaLover

And glasses. And helmet. And trim on his shorts. Unless you’re riding a TT or you’re riding into Milan on the final day the only pink should be the Maglia Rosa, in my not so humble opinion.

Yeah, while Tom's outfit is much better than the customary pink trousers, I'm with you Oli that the trim, bar tape, and helmet all belong on the final stage only - if then. It really should be the jersey only as long as we're giving a shit, and we always give a shit.

@hudson

Personally, i think he’s pulling it off, not to say i like it, just that he can get away with it. That said, it’s not classy, classy is rainbow stripes and black shorts. Classy would be any leaders jersey and black shorts, a nod of respect to those who have worn them before.

This.
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 10:00 am

@Buck Rogers

Here’s Big Mig showing how to do it with class.

Just the jersey; no pink highlights, no pink tape, no pink at all except the jersey.

That Dude just exuded smoooooth.

And he rocked 182.5mm cranks. Stud.
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 10:01 am

@Teocalli

@Buck Rogers

I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

Seriously, right? That is a time to be as understated as POSSIBLE. What the fuck, talk about acting like you've been there before!
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 10:02 am

@KogaLover

@Teocalli

@Buck Rogers

I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

Pardon my french, the guy in red looks like Sagan but he’s not with Sky? So must be Elia Viviani since Kittel is already wearing pink and Tjallingii already wearing blue. Reminds me that who wears the maglia nera actually really earned it.

This is an excellent point. Never thought of that!
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 10:04 am

@BacklashJack

That suit makes Ivan Drago look like goddamn Elmo. Skinsuits on the road are just awful.

They’re one of the several reasons why I find Bouhanni impossible to support. (Also included in those reasons are his love of slamming his bike to the ground and having a hobby that involves arm strength.)

So much gold there. between @fignonsbarber, @dynlander, and this, I wish I could give three +1s.
Teocalli says:

May 11 2016 at 10:06 am

@frank

@Teocalli

@Buck Rogers

I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

Seriously, right? That is a time to be as understated as POSSIBLE. What the fuck, talk about acting like you’ve been there before!

My point exactly.
Neil says:

May 11 2016 at 10:06 am

@frank

"So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs..."

Spoil sport.
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 10:06 am

@ccos

Wearing a skinsuit is also a not so subtle way of telling your teammates “I ain’t carrying shit today” owing to the lack of pockets.

These guys aren't technically wearing skin suits - they are wearing speed suits; they have pockets. Not big ones, but they are there.