Categories: Awesome German GuysBreaking The RulesEtiquetteLook Pro

The All-Red Onesie

Even Kittel can't make this work.

When it comes to personal style and charisma, Marcel Kittel is at the top of the food chain. Only a certain kind of genius admits on live television that the most stressful thing about racing a Grand Tour is having your hair gel confiscated by airport security. He also clearly has a mystical, Samsonesque power to his hair; off comes his helmet and his hair is as perfect as it was during the pre-race interview. The only other person I know who can wear a helmet all day and still have dreamy hair is Kylo Ren, but he obviously uses the power of the Dark Side to cultivate that talent. I don’t know what Marcel’s trick is.

Marcel is also blessed with the sort of devilish good looks that would make you hate him a little bit if he didn’t seem so damn mischievously fun to be around. Besides his perfect blond hair, the rotten little charmer has eyes the color of glacial pools and the sort of smile that makes women’s knees buckle involuntarily; everywhere he goes, women bob around like gas station windsock dancers.

He even makes the Etixx-QuickStep team kit look good, which is quite the accomplishment given that the only thing uglier than the Etixx-QuickStep team kit is the Astana team kit. Ain’t nobody can make that turquoise strip look good so long as Mario Cipollini doesn’t come out of retirement just to give it the old college try.

No matter how good you are at looking good, some things simply can’t be done because some things – like, say, wearing an all-red spandex onesie, makes you look like you are smuggling satsumas from the Netherlands into Italy.

So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs and don’t try to pull off the all-red onesie; leave that to the professionals. Actually, no. Don’t leave it to the professionals, either. Let’s not leave it to anyone. Please stop. Everyone. No more onesies in any color other than black. Please. For the children.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Teocalli says:

May 11 2016 at 10:08 am

@frank

@ccos

Wearing a skinsuit is also a not so subtle way of telling your teammates “I ain’t carrying shit today” owing to the lack of pockets.

These guys aren’t technically wearing skin suits – they are wearing speed suits; they have pockets. Not big ones, but they are there.

There should be an understanding (if not a UCI regulation) that they are only permitted in TTs.
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 10:09 am

@Neil

@frank

“So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs…”

Spoil sport.
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 10:13 am

@Teocalli

@frank

@ccos

Wearing a skinsuit is also a not so subtle way of telling your teammates “I ain’t carrying shit today” owing to the lack of pockets.

These guys aren’t technically wearing skin suits – they are wearing speed suits; they have pockets. Not big ones, but they are there.

There should be an understanding (if not a UCI regulation) that they are only permitted in TTs.

And Cyclocross.
VirenqueforeVer says:

May 11 2016 at 10:22 am

@frank

@VirenqueforeVer

I still love this:

https://youtu.be/PnJYlwo5DdE

Clean spirit is such an amazingly rad movie, and indeed – that scene is a real killer!

Agree - Also still available on Netflix (US anyway) until 5/15!
VirenqueforeVer says:

May 11 2016 at 1:10 pm
frank says:

May 11 2016 at 1:20 pm

@VirenqueforeVer

Is that @el franco just outside the frame?
chuckp says:

May 11 2016 at 4:37 pm

@frank

In any case, I agree he doesn’t have much choice apart from not wearing a skinsuit but that doesn’t make it look any better. I’d forgo the 1% drag benefit and race in a jersey like a civilized person anyway.

But honestly ... You might do whatever if this is how you were actually making your living and if big bux (or your job) were at stake.

And we have to remember that Merckx et al rode in what they wore largely because those were the choices at that time. We can romanticize all we want, but if Merckx was racing today he'd probably do a lot, if not all, of the things that current pros do. He was modern then and he'd be modern now.
chuckp says:

May 11 2016 at 4:37 pm

@frank

@Neil

@frank

“So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs…”

Spoil sport.

Love "Love Actually"!
VirenqueforeVer says:

May 11 2016 at 7:40 pm

@frank

@VirenqueforeVer

Is that @el franco just outside the frame?

Just me and my onesie I think, at local crit yesterday. Wore it because of this article, please don't banish me!
mouse says:

May 11 2016 at 8:47 pm

Sigh.

Can't believe that we're debating the validity of pro's wearing speed suits.

There ought to be a rule.