Categories: Awesome German GuysBreaking The RulesEtiquetteLook Pro

The All-Red Onesie

Even Kittel can't make this work.

When it comes to personal style and charisma, Marcel Kittel is at the top of the food chain. Only a certain kind of genius admits on live television that the most stressful thing about racing a Grand Tour is having your hair gel confiscated by airport security. He also clearly has a mystical, Samsonesque power to his hair; off comes his helmet and his hair is as perfect as it was during the pre-race interview. The only other person I know who can wear a helmet all day and still have dreamy hair is Kylo Ren, but he obviously uses the power of the Dark Side to cultivate that talent. I don’t know what Marcel’s trick is.

Marcel is also blessed with the sort of devilish good looks that would make you hate him a little bit if he didn’t seem so damn mischievously fun to be around. Besides his perfect blond hair, the rotten little charmer has eyes the color of glacial pools and the sort of smile that makes women’s knees buckle involuntarily; everywhere he goes, women bob around like gas station windsock dancers.

He even makes the Etixx-QuickStep team kit look good, which is quite the accomplishment given that the only thing uglier than the Etixx-QuickStep team kit is the Astana team kit. Ain’t nobody can make that turquoise strip look good so long as Mario Cipollini doesn’t come out of retirement just to give it the old college try.

No matter how good you are at looking good, some things simply can’t be done because some things – like, say, wearing an all-red spandex onesie, makes you look like you are smuggling satsumas from the Netherlands into Italy.

So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs and don’t try to pull off the all-red onesie; leave that to the professionals. Actually, no. Don’t leave it to the professionals, either. Let’s not leave it to anyone. Please stop. Everyone. No more onesies in any color other than black. Please. For the children.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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Mikael says:

May 13 2016 at 5:06 am

@frank

@Buck Rogers

@Oli

@chuckp

That’s actually a very good point.

Right. Didn’t Stephen Roche catch a rash of shit in the peloton for wearing lycra or a skin suit or something that was “new” back in the ’80’s?

I’m just throwing this out here from the deep, dark, web-spun reaches of my mind so I might be way off in fuck-knows-where-land.

But then again, fuck logic, we’re talking fashion here!

Hampsten wore a skin suit on a short mountain stage in the Giro and was given LOADS of shit for it until he dropped them all like yesterday’s newspaper.

Alex Steida talks about copping loads for rocking up in a skinsuit for the 80k stage 1a when he took yellow in the tour as the first North American, cos it was a crit length. Guess it worked.
wiscot says:

May 13 2016 at 5:18 am

@frank

@Ron

Oh man, never did I imagine “Love Actually” would haunt me here. The VMH forces me to watch this every holiday season. Ack! Not my type of movie (though I’ve grown to not hate it. Still hard to take Hugh Grant seriously after his little “pick up” episode…)

I love Hugh Grant, but I’ll watch anything with Bill Nighy.

And you give me shit for using an EPMS and you admit, in writing, to the world, that you love Hugh Grant? If Hugh Grant was a bike, he'd be a fixie - single speed. Just like Ewan McGregor.
Ron says:

May 13 2016 at 8:04 am

Y'all can thank me later for coaxing Frank into that admission!! My work here is done, I can officially retire from Following! My master plan of hanging around here for years in hopes of exposing Frank as the world's only Hugh Grant lover, who is not a middle-aged homemaker, is complete. Now I can rest in peace. Oh boy, this has me excite.

@Mikael

@Ron

Awaiting delivery of a cycling kit themed onesie for the nearly two week old little dude. My riding buddy told me he bought him one!

Have you seen Fyxo’s?

https://shop.fyxo.co/collections/baby-cycling-jersey

I'd seen one or two of those, but not all of them. Very cool, thanks for the heads up. At this point...we need to put on a house addition before the little dude gets any more clothes, rockers, strollers, or gear in general.
wiscot says:

May 13 2016 at 8:31 am

This is the only acceptable context in which the words "Love Actually" are spoken:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa3eoMnMC80

Frank should like it as the level of profanity is right up his alley.