Categories: Accessories and GearEtiquetteIl ProgettoThe Bikes

The Entanglements of Rule #12

The dangers of living with a VMH.

It is so deeply entangled at this point, I can no longer tell the threads from one another. The strands once ran cleanly from one bicycle to the next, linking a discrete sequence of events, considerations, wants, and desires. But then, 15 years ago, a strong force entered my life and I was forced to find alternate means of justifying the acquisition of new machines and kit.

Finding a partner to spend your life with is an incredible experience; to discover the half of you that was missing and feel it join to its mate to become whole is something that defies description. But it doesn’t make buying another bike any easier. If your partner isn’t a Cyclist, there will be endless debating over ancillary details like explaining why already having a bike doesn’t preclude needing the machine in question, or why the existing stable can’t fulfill the purposes of the proposed new steed. Then – should the case have been made and the principle of the purchase agreed to – there will come the maddening discussions of budget and the prioritization of food or clothing over the bike. Suffice to say, being in a relationship with your life’s partner is worth it, but only just.

Partnering with a Cyclist is messier still. While food and clothing are quickly rank ordered at the bottom of the priority stack, there is the introduction of quantities of bicycles on the already-stretched budget. As the VMH happily supports and participates enthusiastically in the selection of wheels and kit, the knowledge will be creeping in that this acquisition only emboldens her for her own Rule #12 endeavors; n + 1 slips to n + 2.

It happened smoothly, without me noticing. Happy to have justified and gained budget approval for my original Bianchi EV2, I scoured the farthest reaches of the primordial Interwebs to stretch my budget to the maximum. I emerged from the other side with a full Dura-Ace 9-speed equipped racing machine, at which point I had no alternative but to accept that her steel Bianchi needed more than fresh bar tape in order to stand up against my lovely new steed.

She approved her own budget (I hold a seat on the finance committee but do not have a controlling vote) and emerged from a much shorter process with a Camapa Record 10spd equipped EV4. That’s two EV’s more than mine. Her superior machine meant that I had room to make upgrades while flying unnoticed under the radar; lighter wheels, better pedals, saddles, and stems flowed on and off my prized EV2 for several years until finally she had to admit I was due for a more substantial upgrade.

I have found, through this process, that the secret to a happy partnership is to keep the VMH in a slightly better bike than mine at all times. My upgrades stay one step behind, which gives me room to fiddle with my kit while her machines jump in leaps and bounds. Should I find myself unable to justify my own new upgrades, I approach the Committee with the suggestion that she requires an upgrade – a proposal which is approved without exception or opposition. She always lays claim to the best and lightest machines and I get to build and kit out twice as many nice bikes.

I know I’m not the only one taking this approach; Gianni’s VMH got a full Carbone climbing rig and months later he was throwing a leg over his own new steed. My mom recently acquired a 6.5 kilo Redline gravel machine which I’m sure will precede my dad’s next bike. Keeper Jim kitted his wife Jess out with a beautiful carbone rig only to Twitter his way into his own a short time later. All the more reason to marry a Cyclist.

Oh, the web we weave. And if any of you even mentions the word “tandem”, I’m banning you for a week.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

PeakInTwoYears says:

Sep 3 2013 at 2:42 pm

@brett

It seems Rule #5 doesn't apply to matrimony. What a bunch of pussies, hiding purchases from your wives. Some way to base a relationship, on deception, fear and lies. If you can't enjoy your passion without having to veto/hide it from your significant other, then you've chosen the wrong partner or you need to grow a pair.

Or both. (Don't ask, it was a while ago.)
Beers says:

Sep 3 2013 at 3:42 pm

Recently heard the anecdote from a seasoned cyclist, most of the strongest riders they know are either separated or divorced now, but they sure ride fast!

This is different for those of you with partners that ride of course. For the rest of us it's all a bit of a compromise, but I'm pretty sure hiding shit from the one you trust most isn't the best path?? I have a feeling it's when we've been naughty and know we've overspent our bounds... Super Record on a Veloce budget

Fuck that, this is what we do, this is what it takes. My missus and I rationalise that a marriage is not a competition with a score, she doesn't have to buy handbags and shoes if I get something for the bike or vice versa, it's not a tit-for-tat situation.

We can't understand why when you are shacked up with someone, you would want to prevent them from doing or make them feel bad about what they want to do?

I'm thinking the underlying issue is finances, some studies showing it to be the majority cause of relationship arguments. The other is solo time, especially with kids being cared for by the significant other.

I earn my turns by making sure I pull my weight. Having two little blighters makes life hectic in order to get 100k+ in on a weekend, including dreadfully early starts. I was long suffering on an alloy bike until, because of the effort I'd been putting in, she said I could use our savings to get a Carbone... This was major for a family running a budget spreadsheet more complex than government treasury documents, and a major turning point for me lately...

No life is perfect, but I wouldn't swap any of it, especially my missus, for the world..
Puffy says:

Sep 3 2013 at 5:15 pm

@Tugman

You lucky sonsofbitches married to cyclists. My wife is a runner. I have no objection to her fitness drug of choice, but the $ parallels aren't the same. She does 3 road marathons a year, so that equates to 3 pair of shoes per year, bare minimum. Add then trail marathons @ 2 per year, but due to of the nature of the beast, that equate to 4 pairs of shoes-2 for each training session and a pair a piece for each trail event. Not to mention the 5k's, 10k's, and Half marathons interspersed throughout the year, club breakfasts, beer parties/cookouts and award banquets. Now her total costs, including the airfare, car rentals, hotel rooms, club dues, road/trail shoe/clothing budget, entry fees, medical bills and all other costs too numerous to mention when gathered together would equate a real sweet race machine, a decent 'cross bike, an open budget on finishing my single-speed build up, and keep me swaddled in Rapha and Assos, and shod in Sidi for half a decade, no shit. But fuck me, if she sees the sticker on a new wheel set, I'd better be wearing an armored codpiece and sleeping with one eye open for a good while. The $300 I spent on the KG 181 nearly cost me my balls, and to boot, I've been repainting the living room and kitchen since 1000 this morning.....

Thing is, she spends lots of small bills, you spend big on a few. She thinks $150 on a new pair of shoes = nothing. $1500 on a set of modest wheel = HEAPS. I have a smilar problem and here's what I do;

Want a new bike? No problem... buy it piece at a time over 6 months. First a set of brakes, then a de-railure or two. Bars, and stem a while later. Before you know it all that is left is the old frame which is a little hurdle....(wheels are too but at least they can be bought one at a time). Your're only wanting to get a new frame for the old bike, not a whole new one!
Puffy says:

Sep 3 2013 at 5:26 pm

@Barracuda

@Marcus

@ChrisO

@Deakus

We've even got to the stage where boxes from online retailers herald my monthly trips home, like flowers appearing in spring.

The first five minutes is something on the lines of kiss kiss, hug children, get offered tea, "How was your flight... there's a box for you in the cupboard under stairs and Rouleur in your drawer."

On one memorable occasion I had literally just arrived - I was still in the hallway with a bag on one arm and a child in the other - when the doorbell rang behind me. I opened it to find a delivery man with a box from Wiggle, as if he'd just been sitting in the front garden waiting for me to arrive. It was very funny at the time.

Just as long as you are sure he didn't end up in the front garden because he had to jump from the bedroom window.

This, well played.

All my mail from wiggle comes to work, its then tried on/inspected/etc at work and deflowered of all its unnecessary wrapping and or tags and boxes and taken home like id had it for years and just never had time to do anything with it.

Shock of my life came when I kept hinting at how crap my wheels where on my new bike and the VMH opened up the wiggle site on her lap top and said, " Just fkn order the damn things, theyve been on the wishlist for that long I sick of the website coming up every time I log on "

Score - new set of Duraace C24"²s now proudly adorn the Fuji.

If you blokes would get a grip and obey rule #58 all you have to do is take the Steed in for a "service" from which it comes home a little different.
EricW says:

Sep 3 2013 at 6:18 pm

@Beers

Recently heard the anecdote from a seasoned cyclist, most of the strongest riders they know are either separated or divorced now, but they sure ride fast!

This is different for those of you with partners that ride of course. For the rest of us it's all a bit of a compromise, but I'm pretty sure hiding shit from the one you trust most isn't the best path?? I have a feeling it's when we've been naughty and know we've overspent our bounds... Super Record on a Veloce budget

Fuck that, this is what we do, this is what it takes. My missus and I rationalise that a marriage is not a competition with a score, she doesn't have to buy handbags and shoes if I get something for the bike or vice versa, it's not a tit-for-tat situation.

We can't understand why when you are shacked up with someone, you would want to prevent them from doing or make them feel bad about what they want to do?

I'm thinking the underlying issue is finances, some studies showing it to be the majority cause of relationship arguments. The other is solo time, especially with kids being cared for by the significant other.

I earn my turns by making sure I pull my weight. Having two little blighters makes life hectic in order to get 100k+ in on a weekend, including dreadfully early starts. I was long suffering on an alloy bike until, because of the effort I'd been putting in, she said I could use our savings to get a Carbone... This was major for a family running a budget spreadsheet more complex than government treasury documents, and a major turning point for me lately...

No life is perfect, but I wouldn't swap any of it, especially my missus, for the world..

You got this figured out pretty good, brother. +1
The Pressure says:

Sep 3 2013 at 7:25 pm

@frank Once again you have proven to be so wise. By 'allowing' your VMH to get an upgrade leading to you justifying an upgrade of your own...genius! If you could only do something about the Australopithecus proportions of you and your kin? (cute bike stand excluded)
The Pressure says:

Sep 3 2013 at 7:28 pm

@The Pressure I hope to meet you some day when I find a parked bike exhibiting an obscene amount of post!!
Barracuda says:

Sep 3 2013 at 8:22 pm

@brett

It seems Rule #5 doesn't apply to matrimony. What a bunch of pussies, hiding purchases from your wives. Some way to base a relationship, on deception, fear and lies. If you can't enjoy your passion without having to veto/hide it from your significant other, then you've chosen the wrong partner or you need to grow a pair.

Negative on both counts, he who dies with the most toys wins !!

Needless to say, Im not winning at the moment
freddy says:

Sep 3 2013 at 8:45 pm

@Puffy

@Tugman

You lucky sonsofbitches married to cyclists. My wife is a runner. I have no objection to her fitness drug of choice, but the $ parallels aren't the same. She does 3 road marathons a year, so that equates to 3 pair of shoes per year, bare minimum. Add then trail marathons @ 2 per year, but due to of the nature of the beast, that equate to 4 pairs of shoes-2 for each training session and a pair a piece for each trail event. Not to mention the 5k's, 10k's, and Half marathons interspersed throughout the year, club breakfasts, beer parties/cookouts and award banquets. Now her total costs, including the airfare, car rentals, hotel rooms, club dues, road/trail shoe/clothing budget, entry fees, medical bills and all other costs too numerous to mention when gathered together would equate a real sweet race machine, a decent 'cross bike, an open budget on finishing my single-speed build up, and keep me swaddled in Rapha and Assos, and shod in Sidi for half a decade, no shit. But fuck me, if she sees the sticker on a new wheel set, I'd better be wearing an armored codpiece and sleeping with one eye open for a good while. The $300 I spent on the KG 181 nearly cost me my balls, and to boot, I've been repainting the living room and kitchen since 1000 this morning.....

Thing is, she spends lots of small bills, you spend big on a few. She thinks $150 on a new pair of shoes = nothing. $1500 on a set of modest wheel = HEAPS. I have a smilar problem and here's what I do;

Want a new bike? No problem... buy it piece at a time over 6 months. First a set of brakes, then a de-railure or two. Bars, and stem a while later. Before you know it all that is left is the old frame which is a little hurdle....(wheels are too but at least they can be bought one at a time). Your're only wanting to get a new frame for the old bike, not a whole new one!

You might be on to something--One Piece at a Time-- but it took the guy in the Johnny Cash song over 20 years to build his "psychobilly Cadillac" (transmission from a 1953 and engine from a 1973).
frank says:

Sep 3 2013 at 9:11 pm

@Cyclops

Two things:

First, why do I not see a Neederaap nestled in that mess?

Because its currently in a delicate and extra-special-top-secret state of rebuild. VMH actually came out with it and I barely hid my panic as I yelled in an unnervingly high-pitched voice, "She's not ready! She's not ready!"