The Entanglements of Rule #12
It is so deeply entangled at this point, I can no longer tell the threads from one another. The strands once ran cleanly from one bicycle to the next, linking a discrete sequence of events, considerations, wants, and desires. But then, 15 years ago, a strong force entered my life and I was forced to find alternate means of justifying the acquisition of new machines and kit.
Finding a partner to spend your life with is an incredible experience; to discover the half of you that was missing and feel it join to its mate to become whole is something that defies description. But it doesn’t make buying another bike any easier. If your partner isn’t a Cyclist, there will be endless debating over ancillary details like explaining why already having a bike doesn’t preclude needing the machine in question, or why the existing stable can’t fulfill the purposes of the proposed new steed. Then – should the case have been made and the principle of the purchase agreed to – there will come the maddening discussions of budget and the prioritization of food or clothing over the bike. Suffice to say, being in a relationship with your life’s partner is worth it, but only just.
Partnering with a Cyclist is messier still. While food and clothing are quickly rank ordered at the bottom of the priority stack, there is the introduction of quantities of bicycles on the already-stretched budget. As the VMH happily supports and participates enthusiastically in the selection of wheels and kit, the knowledge will be creeping in that this acquisition only emboldens her for her own Rule #12 endeavors; n + 1 slips to n + 2.
It happened smoothly, without me noticing. Happy to have justified and gained budget approval for my original Bianchi EV2, I scoured the farthest reaches of the primordial Interwebs to stretch my budget to the maximum. I emerged from the other side with a full Dura-Ace 9-speed equipped racing machine, at which point I had no alternative but to accept that her steel Bianchi needed more than fresh bar tape in order to stand up against my lovely new steed.
She approved her own budget (I hold a seat on the finance committee but do not have a controlling vote) and emerged from a much shorter process with a Camapa Record 10spd equipped EV4. That’s two EV’s more than mine. Her superior machine meant that I had room to make upgrades while flying unnoticed under the radar; lighter wheels, better pedals, saddles, and stems flowed on and off my prized EV2 for several years until finally she had to admit I was due for a more substantial upgrade.
I have found, through this process, that the secret to a happy partnership is to keep the VMH in a slightly better bike than mine at all times. My upgrades stay one step behind, which gives me room to fiddle with my kit while her machines jump in leaps and bounds. Should I find myself unable to justify my own new upgrades, I approach the Committee with the suggestion that she requires an upgrade – a proposal which is approved without exception or opposition. She always lays claim to the best and lightest machines and I get to build and kit out twice as many nice bikes.
I know I’m not the only one taking this approach; Gianni’s VMH got a full Carbone climbing rig and months later he was throwing a leg over his own new steed. My mom recently acquired a 6.5 kilo Redline gravel machine which I’m sure will precede my dad’s next bike. Keeper Jim kitted his wife Jess out with a beautiful carbone rig only to Twitter his way into his own a short time later. All the more reason to marry a Cyclist.
Oh, the web we weave. And if any of you even mentions the word “tandem”, I’m banning you for a week.
@Marcus Hmm, that could explain why the Amazon man and the Ocado guy were having a punch-up outside our house last week.
Sadly if she’s having an affair with the Wiggle chap then it is about to come to an end.
I am seriously annoyed with them at the moment – I order a whole Record gruppo, most of which was sent as requested by tracked courier to my office in Dubai. The one missing bit, the chainset, was sent later by regular post. Dubai has no postal delivery. The chances of it ever arriving are near zero, and even if it does I have to drive to the central post office and fight my way through queues and forms.
Wiggle have sent numerous apologies but won’t do anything until 25 working days have passed. Their mistake, my problem. So I’m now an ex-customer, having spent a couple of thousand a year with them for the past few years.
Yes I know I should support my LBS but that’s easier said than done in the UAE. Until recently there was only one decent shop (in Dubai, none in Abu Dhabi) and they charged exorbitant prices, along with a healthy dose of Attitude. Even the new LBS which supports our team was giving me a ‘special’ price which was about 50% higher than online. I’ve got a whole Record set for less than they would have charged for Chorus. Well, I say a whole group but…
When I bought my wheels and Powertap I got them locally and paid about 10-15% more. I don’t mind that for the advantage of having a local supplier and someone to sort out problems, but there are limits.
My VMH is an accountant too, so there’s no hiding expenses anywhere, but she is a very keen cyclist and due to my time constraints she rides more than me.
We have matching BMCs and both got DA C24s for Christmas.
She is certain her Red broset 2012MY BMC is almost worn out from her 56kg of power pounding and is keenly looking for a replacement in the near future.
To my shame I’m discouraging her from a new purchase so soon.
Also she’s keen on nice kit, loving all white, so every order is a combined effort of non-essentials.
@Barracuda
This is also my modus operandi for the larger purchases. Sometimes the accounts committee seems to pick up on the changes and modifications, sometimes not.
Shock of my life came when I sold my downhill bike on ebay. I told a friend that I got a great price for it to which she retorted that the buyer had gotten himself a great deal given all the upgrades listed on the ebay advert.
@meursault
Well played – see you next week.(Insert smiley-winkey emoticon here..)
@Barracuda
Sweet! Getting those out on the road is truly something to look forward to. You’ve probably already discovered this, but their performance just may feel ever so slightly underwhelming at first, because the hubs seem to require a certain breaking-in period. Mine first got ‘loosened up’ after I did the first 300-or-so km on them – but now they are like Danish butter. Bliss.
I hope all those bikes are lined up because they are being exchanged for ones of the correct size! You gotta rethink that fit thing bud!
@Robert
At last… you know, all these years we’ve been looking at Frank’s bikes but none of us has had the courage to say it. In fact I think most of us never even noticed.
“The Lord said unto Robert, Go thy way: for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Velominati, and the children of Merckx:
For I will shew him how great things Frank must suffer for my name’s sake.
And Robert went his way, and entered into the website; and putting his hands on his keyboard said, Brother Frank, the Prophet, even Johan, that appeared unto thee in the way as thou camest, hath sent me, that thou mightest receive thy bikefit, and your seat tube be filled with the Holy Post.
And immediately there fell from his eyes as it had been scales: and he received sight forthwith, and arose, and was re-sized.”
Acts of the Velominati 9:18
Well the “get a proper size” comment came up later then usual.
@ErikdR
Funny you should mention that, my half dozen rides did feel sluggish and I was questioning whether I had indeed “upgraded ” from the original Oval rims that addorned the Fuji, but some 300 kms in they are rolling pretty well. Phew, dodged a bullet there
My VMH started out as a runner. A few months into our relationship, she was injured and my younger brother abandoned his bike, so we fetched her a pair of shoes and got her on the bike. First time out included the obligatory can’t-get-out-of-the-cleats spill, but she hardened up and rode the complete planned route with a bloody knee.
At 153cm and 44kg, we’re having a tough time fitting her on the bike. Slamming the stem didn’t do the job, so we’re planning on a Deda Pista -30deg to get her lower. These days she rides from home to whereeverthefuck my team is training that day, and last weekend she arrived at the car with blood running down her legs and arms. “Oh, it’s just a crash…” – nutter. We’re planning her first century soon, as a warmup to a three-day, 600km tour across the country.
The only problem with such a VMH is, indeed, equipment. I’m not allowed to upgrade my aluminium road bike until she gets a better one (hers is, admittedly, crap – but one does not look a gift horse in the mouth…), and that pair of spare race-wheels that I had lying around suddenly became her new wheelset. On the other hand, waking up at 4am to the smell of fresh coffee and bread more than makes up for it.
@frank
@frank
That’s right and since I have 2 I am going to need a steady flow of bikes through the place in another 5 or six years…. good thing they got my height and not he VMH side of the family height
Logic dictates I need my Chorus equipped De Rosa as my main bike and a Veloce equipped crosser for everything else.
Logic can go fuck itself.
Bike number 6 is currently hiding from the VMH in my friends shed awaiting restoration, it’s an old Raleigh aero tubed Panasonic replica, just like I had when I was 14. Do I need it? No. Do I want it built up using period Gipiemme groupo just because I can? Yes.
@Velocitractor
Of course you’ll be posting photos on “The Bikes” after it’s completed/ you’re out of the dog house…….
@gaswepass
You’ve got plenty of room in the basement. Probably get 10-12 more bikes down there.
@GogglesPizano
Awesome – have kids, save on a workstand.
@ChrisO Workstands must be fucking expensive in UAE !
@Velocitractor
Does it have the rad “Aerospace contour” decal with a space shuttle breaking the sound barrier?
All this talk reminds me of a guy in the Inverclyde Velo back in the 80s who tried to pass off a new TT bike as just a repaint of an existing bike.I’m not sure it worked though . . .
At this juncture, I would like to propose an addition to the lexicon
VELOMINATRIX (n). the significant other of a velominatus who wholeheartedly disapproves of what is perceived as unnecessary expenditure on the bike and related products.
@scaler911 sure will, might take a few months as I have a Pat Hanlon steel crosser to build too! This will have to do for now
@RVester Sure does…
@ChrisO
could make a really good porno plot with this. The lines would be awesome.
Wiggle delivery guy: “your hubby ordered a new 175mm crankarm. But the only one I have in stock is 200mm. So I guess that will go better in your seat tube.”
Or something like that.
With apologies to you and your wife…
@frank:
@Gianni
…or an addendum to Rule #25: The bikes leaning up alongside your house should be worth more than the house.
@ped
I think a Velominatrix would not just disapprove but punish you severely for even thinking about a new bike. She would mock the length of your stem and the amount of seatpost you show. She would show disdain for the smoothness of your guns, ridicule you for being two months away from peaking and laud he butterflies who go faster up hills than you. She would lash you with bits of cable housing and, should you complain, assert the principle of silence.
@wiscot
Sounds like someone needs a new saddle…
@scaler911
What had been seen can’t be unseen huh? I’m trying to thin the herd, although a 650b duallie sounds really, really good. And I do plan to win the drawing for the Veloforma 29r w full carbon build raffle next month. Yeah, that should do it. What were we talking about?
@scaler911
Difficult question. They are two completely different kinds of bikes, as you know.
I’m personally happy with a ‘cross bike for racing and graveling, and a full suspension MTB for trails and mountains.
A hard tail MTB could possibly do both, but the gearing would need to be customized for each. On a 30% grade for 30 minutes, you really need the 24×36, but you could never race ‘cross that way.
Another option is to go single ring on the front and just swap between a 34 and a 46 depending on whether you’re riding mountain trails or ‘cross. Since you could skip the front derailleur, it wouldn’t be too difficult.
Two things:
First, why do I not see a Neederaap nestled in that mess?
and…
Secondly, I found this today that dovetails nicely with @Frank’s article…
@http://superissimo.com
@G’rilla
I think my decision would be based on the quality and quantity of my local singletrack.
@EricW
Plus one badge to you.
@Nate
My brother is 6’7″ and weighs about 160 pounds. He’s basically a zipper.
@gaswepass
I’m 100% happy with my saddles these days but issues with my right foot/shoe insole have been quite painful. Yesterday’s remedy with scissors and duct tape seem to be promising though.
@gaswepass
We have mountain bikes and commuters kicking around as well, but there simply wasn’t room along the wall to bring them out. First world problems.
@Barracuda
The VMH had just gotten off the plane from India and I was anxious to surprise her with the wheelset I’d bought her while she was gone.
I had just gotten my own Zipp 404’s and that was what I’d bought her, so while she was gone, I got rid of the empty box and put her new box with the new wheels exactly where it had been. Then I pretended I was going to show her how easy it was to convert the freehub body on my wheels to Campa. I feigned needing a part from the box and asked her to go look for it, expecting her to find the new wheels.
She was gone an age and I went looking for her, to find her standing in the hall (jetlagged) with both wheels in her hand and her head buried in the box.
“I don’t see that part you need.”
“Look at what’s in your hands.”
“Yeah, what?”
“Those are your new wheels.”
(Looks at wheels. Expression changes from confusion to excitement.)
“OH! I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THEM!”
The moral of the story is wait to play an elaborate surprise until the VMH has gotten some sleep.
@Balexander
You’re testing me, but I’ll fucking do it. Watch yourself or you’re out for a week.
@frank
Sorry mate. Spoke too soon. You got upstaged by @ChrisO on this one.
@ChrisO
@DerHoggz
I’ll continue to be impressed by people who are so amazing at fitting bikes they can do it with just the bike and ignoring the rider.
@frank
Seeing as how my groomsmen are all cyclists and my bachelor party is going to be a brutal ride, I might just have this included as a reading in my wedding.
@ChrisO
Like this one?
It seems Rule #5 doesn’t apply to matrimony. What a bunch of pussies, hiding purchases from your wives. Some way to base a relationship, on deception, fear and lies. If you can’t enjoy your passion without having to veto/hide it from your significant other, then you’ve chosen the wrong partner or you need to grow a pair.
@brett
and there I was thinking you possessed wisdom beyond your years…..
@EricW
Would that void the warranty just a wee bit?
@brett
Amen. I even got mine trained to rub my calves down after a ride.
@frank
Wouldn’t it be a phalanx of phranks?
My poor cerveau is too pooped to come of with anything halfway as intelligent or witty as I’ve seen here. Thanks for the laughs.
@wiscot
No worse than running a seatpost 20cm past the minimum insert mark!
@kixsand
As penance, I’ve just ordered a pair of Carbone Ultegra PD-6800’s – I feel back on track. Thanks for the kick in the ass Frank.
@wiscot
A phalonx of fronx?
@Cyclops
Separate personal spending accounts also help. I don’t comment on the shoes, and VMH doesn’t comment on the bikes. As long as we can still pay for food, clothes and shelter, everyone’s happy.
@Bianchi Denti
Phalonx of Phronx?
@EricW
Good point sir, although that Campag seatpost is clearly way too short to be of any use to Frank!