Categories: Accessories and GearEtiquetteIl ProgettoThe Bikes

The Entanglements of Rule #12

The dangers of living with a VMH.

It is so deeply entangled at this point, I can no longer tell the threads from one another. The strands once ran cleanly from one bicycle to the next, linking a discrete sequence of events, considerations, wants, and desires. But then, 15 years ago, a strong force entered my life and I was forced to find alternate means of justifying the acquisition of new machines and kit.

Finding a partner to spend your life with is an incredible experience; to discover the half of you that was missing and feel it join to its mate to become whole is something that defies description. But it doesn’t make buying another bike any easier. If your partner isn’t a Cyclist, there will be endless debating over ancillary details like explaining why already having a bike doesn’t preclude needing the machine in question, or why the existing stable can’t fulfill the purposes of the proposed new steed. Then – should the case have been made and the principle of the purchase agreed to – there will come the maddening discussions of budget and the prioritization of food or clothing over the bike. Suffice to say, being in a relationship with your life’s partner is worth it, but only just.

Partnering with a Cyclist is messier still. While food and clothing are quickly rank ordered at the bottom of the priority stack, there is the introduction of quantities of bicycles on the already-stretched budget. As the VMH happily supports and participates enthusiastically in the selection of wheels and kit, the knowledge will be creeping in that this acquisition only emboldens her for her own Rule #12 endeavors; n + 1 slips to n + 2.

It happened smoothly, without me noticing. Happy to have justified and gained budget approval for my original Bianchi EV2, I scoured the farthest reaches of the primordial Interwebs to stretch my budget to the maximum. I emerged from the other side with a full Dura-Ace 9-speed equipped racing machine, at which point I had no alternative but to accept that her steel Bianchi needed more than fresh bar tape in order to stand up against my lovely new steed.

She approved her own budget (I hold a seat on the finance committee but do not have a controlling vote) and emerged from a much shorter process with a Camapa Record 10spd equipped EV4. That’s two EV’s more than mine. Her superior machine meant that I had room to make upgrades while flying unnoticed under the radar; lighter wheels, better pedals, saddles, and stems flowed on and off my prized EV2 for several years until finally she had to admit I was due for a more substantial upgrade.

I have found, through this process, that the secret to a happy partnership is to keep the VMH in a slightly better bike than mine at all times. My upgrades stay one step behind, which gives me room to fiddle with my kit while her machines jump in leaps and bounds. Should I find myself unable to justify my own new upgrades, I approach the Committee with the suggestion that she requires an upgrade – a proposal which is approved without exception or opposition. She always lays claim to the best and lightest machines and I get to build and kit out twice as many nice bikes.

I know I’m not the only one taking this approach; Gianni’s VMH got a full Carbone climbing rig and months later he was throwing a leg over his own new steed. My mom recently acquired a 6.5 kilo Redline gravel machine which I’m sure will precede my dad’s next bike. Keeper Jim kitted his wife Jess out with a beautiful carbone rig only to Twitter his way into his own a short time later. All the more reason to marry a Cyclist.

Oh, the web we weave. And if any of you even mentions the word “tandem”, I’m banning you for a week.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Marcus says:

Sep 3 2013 at 7:52 am

@ChrisO

@Marcus Hmm, that could explain why the Amazon man and the Ocado guy were having a punch-up outside our house last week.

Sadly if she's having an affair with the Wiggle chap then it is about to come to an end.

I am seriously annoyed with them at the moment - I order a whole Record Gruppo, most of which was sent as requested by tracked courier to my office in Dubai. The one missing bit, the chainset, was sent later by regular post. Dubai has no postal delivery. The chances of it ever arriving are near zero, and even if it does I have to drive to the central post office and fight my way through queues and forms.

Wiggle have sent numerous apologies but won't do anything until 25 working days have passed. Their mistake, my problem. So I'm now an ex-customer, having spent a couple of thousand a year with them for the past few years.

Yes I know I should support my LBS but that's easier said than done in the UAE. Until recently there was only one decent shop (in Dubai, none in Abu Dhabi) and they charged exorbitant prices, along with a healthy dose of Attitude. Even the new LBS which supports our team was giving me a 'special' price which was about 50% higher than online. I've got a whole Record set for less than they would have charged for Chorus. Well, I say a whole group but...

When I bought my wheels and Powertap I got them locally and paid about 10-15% more. I don't mind that for the advantage of having a local supplier and someone to sort out problems, but there are limits.

could make a really good porno plot with this. The lines would be awesome.

Wiggle delivery guy: "your hubby ordered a new 175mm crankarm. But the only one I have in stock is 200mm. So I guess that will go better in your seat tube."

Or something like that.

With apologies to you and your wife...
Balexander says:

Sep 3 2013 at 9:22 am

@frank:
freddy says:

Sep 3 2013 at 10:04 am

@Gianni

@G'rilla

@Gianni

That photo scared me. I feared it was a Cogal shot and there was a crazy subset of Cogal riders out there showing a pant-load of seatpost. Whew, no, just the Strack stable. I feel better.

I wondered the same thing. "Did Frank's 8 brothers stay at his house last weekend?"

That's a scary thought. A phalanx of Franks, each taller, louder and more awesome than the next.

...or an addendum to Rule 25: The bikes leaning up alongside your house should be worth more than the house.
wiscot says:

Sep 3 2013 at 10:14 am

@ped

At this juncture, I would like to propose an addition to the lexicon

VELOMINATRIX (n). the significant other of a velominatus who wholeheartedly disapproves of what is perceived as unnecessary expenditure on the bike and related products.

I think a Velominatrix would not just disapprove but punish you severely for even thinking about a new bike. She would mock the length of your stem and the amount of seatpost you show. She would show disdain for the smoothness of your guns, ridicule you for being two months away from peaking and laud he butterflies who go faster up hills than you. She would lash you with bits of cable housing and, should you complain, assert the principle of silence.
gaswepass says:

Sep 3 2013 at 10:23 am

@wiscot

@ped

At this juncture, I would like to propose an addition to the lexicon

VELOMINATRIX (n). the significant other of a velominatus who wholeheartedly disapproves of what is perceived as unnecessary expenditure on the bike and related products.

I think a Velominatrix would not just disapprove but punish you severely for even thinking about a new bike. She would mock the length of your stem and the amount of seatpost you show. She would show disdain for the smoothness of your guns, ridicule you for being two months away from peaking and laud he butterflies who go faster up hills than you. She would lash you with bits of cable housing and, should you complain, assert the Principle of Silence.

Sounds like someone needs a new saddle...
gaswepass says:

Sep 3 2013 at 10:25 am

@scaler911

@gaswepass

I dont see a single flat bar in that pic. not one? the Veloforma 29er hardtail pretty rad lookin not to mention riding (apparently, haven't dared touch one lest they reproduce in my basement

You've got plenty of room in the basement. Probably get 10-12 more bikes down there.

What had been seen can't be unseen huh? I'm trying to thin the herd, although a 650b duallie sounds really, really good. And I do plan to win the drawing for the Veloforma 29r w full carbon build raffle next month. Yeah, that should do it. What were we talking about?
G'rilla says:

Sep 3 2013 at 10:30 am

@scaler911

She says "well you should just get another one then".

But I got to thinking, do I get a MTB or a 'cross rig that would satisfy more of my off road wants?

Difficult question. They are two completely different kinds of bikes, as you know.

I'm personally happy with a 'cross bike for racing and graveling, and a full suspension MTB for trails and mountains.

A hard tail MTB could possibly do both, but the gearing would need to be customized for each. On a 30% grade for 30 minutes, you really need the 24x36, but you could never race 'cross that way.

Another option is to go single ring on the front and just swap between a 34 and a 46 depending on whether you're riding mountain trails or 'cross. Since you could skip the front derailleur, it wouldn't be too difficult.
Cyclops says:

Sep 3 2013 at 10:54 am

Two things:

First, why do I not see a Neederaap nestled in that mess?

and...

Secondly, I found this today that dovetails nicely with @Frank's article...

@http://superissimo.com

The argument started again last night. It's a cut that won't heal; it's a slice on the palm of a miner.

She warns other women not to marry a bike racer; Most always gone, not around much to change the diapers, not a trace of bedroom heroics, and the yard work/paint-patching would never happen were it not for the visits from Mother-in-law. Not much at all can be expected, save a lousy check from time to time, so she says. For me, it's natural to counter that a cyclist should carefully select a mate who is not plagued by the distractions of a career. Things on the mind besides nurturing, causes and priorities her own, cold dinner and a sense of righteousness - none of these do a champion make. TouchÃ©, no?

All that in mind, it should have been NO hot news that as our guests sat in for a seemingly endless evening of political assertions and socioeconomic save-alls, my mind was focused on other things. Should I ditch the radial-laced wheel for the next brevet? When again does tomorrow's threshold unit begin? Etcetera.

The dissonance of my expression surely told her I could not care less. My spartan dinner servings belied my early evening efforts to feign interest in anything but the riding. So as the guests shuffled out-far past their welcome, and failing miserably to put proper social etiquette before their own self-indulgent conversational coffin nails-I bore down for my punishment.

And it came. Again.

I could've held myself gingerly, feeling sorrow, but I didn't. I knew well that next year things will be easier. My work will pay off, and my teammates reassure me: Nobody fucks with a CAT 4.
PeakInTwoYears says:

Sep 3 2013 at 10:58 am

@G'rilla

@scaler911

She says "well you should just get another one then".

But I got to thinking, do I get a MTB or a 'cross rig that would satisfy more of my off road wants?

Difficult question. They are two completely different kinds of bikes, as you know.

I think my decision would be based on the quality and quantity of my local singletrack.
frank says:

Sep 3 2013 at 11:09 am

@EricW

I like to imagine @frank picking up a seatpost, looking at the minimum insertion label, and laughing.

Plus one badge to you.