Categories: Accessories and GearEtiquetteIl ProgettoThe Bikes

The Entanglements of Rule #12

The dangers of living with a VMH.

It is so deeply entangled at this point, I can no longer tell the threads from one another. The strands once ran cleanly from one bicycle to the next, linking a discrete sequence of events, considerations, wants, and desires. But then, 15 years ago, a strong force entered my life and I was forced to find alternate means of justifying the acquisition of new machines and kit.

Finding a partner to spend your life with is an incredible experience; to discover the half of you that was missing and feel it join to its mate to become whole is something that defies description. But it doesn’t make buying another bike any easier. If your partner isn’t a Cyclist, there will be endless debating over ancillary details like explaining why already having a bike doesn’t preclude needing the machine in question, or why the existing stable can’t fulfill the purposes of the proposed new steed. Then – should the case have been made and the principle of the purchase agreed to – there will come the maddening discussions of budget and the prioritization of food or clothing over the bike. Suffice to say, being in a relationship with your life’s partner is worth it, but only just.

Partnering with a Cyclist is messier still. While food and clothing are quickly rank ordered at the bottom of the priority stack, there is the introduction of quantities of bicycles on the already-stretched budget. As the VMH happily supports and participates enthusiastically in the selection of wheels and kit, the knowledge will be creeping in that this acquisition only emboldens her for her own Rule #12 endeavors; n + 1 slips to n + 2.

It happened smoothly, without me noticing. Happy to have justified and gained budget approval for my original Bianchi EV2, I scoured the farthest reaches of the primordial Interwebs to stretch my budget to the maximum. I emerged from the other side with a full Dura-Ace 9-speed equipped racing machine, at which point I had no alternative but to accept that her steel Bianchi needed more than fresh bar tape in order to stand up against my lovely new steed.

She approved her own budget (I hold a seat on the finance committee but do not have a controlling vote) and emerged from a much shorter process with a Camapa Record 10spd equipped EV4. That’s two EV’s more than mine. Her superior machine meant that I had room to make upgrades while flying unnoticed under the radar; lighter wheels, better pedals, saddles, and stems flowed on and off my prized EV2 for several years until finally she had to admit I was due for a more substantial upgrade.

I have found, through this process, that the secret to a happy partnership is to keep the VMH in a slightly better bike than mine at all times. My upgrades stay one step behind, which gives me room to fiddle with my kit while her machines jump in leaps and bounds. Should I find myself unable to justify my own new upgrades, I approach the Committee with the suggestion that she requires an upgrade – a proposal which is approved without exception or opposition. She always lays claim to the best and lightest machines and I get to build and kit out twice as many nice bikes.

I know I’m not the only one taking this approach; Gianni’s VMH got a full Carbone climbing rig and months later he was throwing a leg over his own new steed. My mom recently acquired a 6.5 kilo Redline gravel machine which I’m sure will precede my dad’s next bike. Keeper Jim kitted his wife Jess out with a beautiful carbone rig only to Twitter his way into his own a short time later. All the more reason to marry a Cyclist.

Oh, the web we weave. And if any of you even mentions the word “tandem”, I’m banning you for a week.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Jan VS Lars »

Previous « The Unexpected

View Comments

frank says:

Sep 3 2013 at 11:13 am

@Nate

@G'rilla

@Gianni

A phalanx of Franks

We need to find a reason to put this in the lexicon.

"Echelon of franks" might be even better.

My brother is 6'7" and weighs about 160 pounds. He's basically a zipper.
wiscot says:

Sep 3 2013 at 11:16 am

@gaswepass

@wiscot

@ped

At this juncture, I would like to propose an addition to the lexicon

VELOMINATRIX (n). the significant other of a velominatus who wholeheartedly disapproves of what is perceived as unnecessary expenditure on the bike and related products.

I think a Velominatrix would not just disapprove but punish you severely for even thinking about a new bike. She would mock the length of your stem and the amount of seatpost you show. She would show disdain for the smoothness of your guns, ridicule you for being two months away from peaking and laud he butterflies who go faster up hills than you. She would lash you with bits of cable housing and, should you complain, assert the Principle of Silence.

Sounds like someone needs a new saddle...

I'm 100% happy with my saddles these days but issues with my right foot/shoe insole have been quite painful. Yesterday's remedy with scissors and duct tape seem to be promising though.
frank says:

Sep 3 2013 at 11:25 am

@gaswepass

I dont see a single flat bar in that pic. not one? the Veloforma 29er hardtail pretty rad lookin not to mention riding (apparently, haven't dared touch one lest they reproduce in my basement

We have mountain bikes and commuters kicking around as well, but there simply wasn't room along the wall to bring them out. First world problems.
frank says:

Sep 3 2013 at 11:31 am

@Barracuda

@Marcus

@ChrisO

@Deakus

We've even got to the stage where boxes from online retailers herald my monthly trips home, like flowers appearing in spring.

The first five minutes is something on the lines of kiss kiss, hug children, get offered tea, "How was your flight... there's a box for you in the cupboard under stairs and Rouleur in your drawer."

On one memorable occasion I had literally just arrived - I was still in the hallway with a bag on one arm and a child in the other - when the doorbell rang behind me. I opened it to find a delivery man with a box from Wiggle, as if he'd just been sitting in the front garden waiting for me to arrive. It was very funny at the time.

Just as long as you are sure he didn't end up in the front garden because he had to jump from the bedroom window.

This, well played.

All my mail from wiggle comes to work, its then tried on/inspected/etc at work and deflowered of all its unnecessary wrapping and or tags and boxes and taken home like id had it for years and just never had time to do anything with it.

Shock of my life came when I kept hinting at how crap my wheels where on my new bike and the VMH opened up the wiggle site on her lap top and said, " Just fkn order the damn things, theyve been on the wishlist for that long I sick of the website coming up every time I log on "

Score - new set of Duraace C24"²s now proudly adorn the Fuji.

The VMH had just gotten off the plane from India and I was anxious to surprise her with the wheelset I'd bought her while she was gone.

I had just gotten my own Zipp 404's and that was what I'd bought her, so while she was gone, I got rid of the empty box and put her new box with the new wheels exactly where it had been. Then I pretended I was going to show her how easy it was to convert the freehub body on my wheels to Campa. I feigned needing a part from the box and asked her to go look for it, expecting her to find the new wheels.

She was gone an age and I went looking for her, to find her standing in the hall (jetlagged) with both wheels in her hand and her head buried in the box.

"I don't see that part you need."

"Look at what's in your hands."

"Yeah, what?"

"Those are your new wheels."

(Looks at wheels. Expression changes from confusion to excitement.)

"OH! I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THEM!"

The moral of the story is wait to play an elaborate surprise until the VMH has gotten some sleep.
frank says:

Sep 3 2013 at 11:32 am

@Balexander

@frank:

You're testing me, but I'll fucking do it. Watch yourself or you're out for a week.
frank says:

Sep 3 2013 at 11:34 am

@frank

@EricW

I like to imagine @frank picking up a seatpost, looking at the minimum insertion label, and laughing.

Plus one badge to you.

Sorry mate. Spoke too soon. You got upstaged by @ChrisO on this one.

@ChrisO

@Robert

I hope all those bikes are lined up because they are being exchanged for ones of the correct size! You gotta rethink that fit thing bud!

At last... you know, all these years we've been looking at Frank's bikes but none of us has had the courage to say it. In fact I think most of us never even noticed.

"The Lord said unto Robert, Go thy way: for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Velominati, and the children of Merckx:

For I will shew him how great things Frank must suffer for my name's sake.

And Robert went his way, and entered into the website; and putting his hands on his keyboard said, Brother Frank, The Prophet, even Johan, that appeared unto thee in the way as thou camest, hath sent me, that thou mightest receive thy bikefit, and your seat tube be filled with the Holy Post.

And immediately there fell from his eyes as it had been scales: and he received sight forthwith, and arose, and was re-sized."

Acts of the Velominati 9:18

@DerHoggz

Well the "get a proper size" comment came up later then usual.

I'll continue to be impressed by people who are so amazing at fitting bikes they can do it with just the bike and ignoring the rider.
EricW says:

Sep 3 2013 at 11:53 am

@frank

@frank

@EricW

I like to imagine @frank picking up a seatpost, looking at the minimum insertion label, and laughing.

Plus one badge to you.

Sorry mate. Spoke too soon. You got upstaged by @ChrisO on this one.

@ChrisO

@Robert

I hope all those bikes are lined up because they are being exchanged for ones of the correct size! You gotta rethink that fit thing bud!

At last... you know, all these years we've been looking at Frank's bikes but none of us has had the courage to say it. In fact I think most of us never even noticed.

"The Lord said unto Robert, Go thy way: for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Velominati, and the children of Merckx:

For I will shew him how great things Frank must suffer for my name's sake.

And Robert went his way, and entered into the website; and putting his hands on his keyboard said, Brother Frank, The Prophet, even Johan, that appeared unto thee in the way as thou camest, hath sent me, that thou mightest receive thy bikefit, and your seat tube be filled with the Holy Post.

And immediately there fell from his eyes as it had been scales: and he received sight forthwith, and arose, and was re-sized."

Acts of the Velominati 9:18

Seeing as how my groomsmen are all cyclists and my bachelor party is going to be a brutal ride, I might just have this included as a reading in my wedding.
EricW says:

Sep 3 2013 at 11:55 am

@ChrisO

and your seat tube be filled with the Holy Post.

Like this one?
brett says:

Sep 3 2013 at 1:17 pm

It seems Rule #5 doesn't apply to matrimony. What a bunch of pussies, hiding purchases from your wives. Some way to base a relationship, on deception, fear and lies. If you can't enjoy your passion without having to veto/hide it from your significant other, then you've chosen the wrong partner or you need to grow a pair.
Deakus says:

Sep 3 2013 at 1:23 pm

@brett

It seems Rule #5 doesn't apply to matrimony. What a bunch of pussies, hiding purchases from your wives. Some way to base a relationship, on deception, fear and lies. If you can't enjoy your passion without having to veto/hide it from your significant other, then you've chosen the wrong partner or you need to grow a pair.

and there I was thinking you possessed wisdom beyond your years.....