Sometimes, getting the job done means doing it by any means necessary. Football coaches, who have just seen their team scrape out a win by a dour defensive effort and a lucky goal, refer to it as “winning ugly”. But any true Velominatus would rather lose photogenically than win ugly. In fact, our credo could well be “it’s not whether you win or lose, but how Fantastic you look doing it”.
Never one to adhere to this philosophy was the Spanish Crab, Fernando Escartin. If ever there was a more awkward, uncomfortable looking rider, then I’m at a loss to name them. He never stood a chance really, riding on teams with less-than-classy kit for a start never helped. Mapei wasn’t too bad when he was there, but he’ll always be best recognised in the lime green of the Kelme dope squad. His Gios was the only saving grace, the beautiful blue frames always looking good no matter who is aboard.
But it wasn’t Fernando’s propensity to sweat profusely, his straggly black hair, and sunburnt Roman nose that earned him the reputation of being hit with the ugly stick; it was the way he rode his bike. Knees sticking out to the side, head permanently tilted to the right like someone had glued his ear to his shoulder, back arched into a hump that would’ve made Quasimodo jealous, constantly lurching in and out of the saddle, rocking from side to side like a demented bored orangutan that had been locked in a cage and poked with a stick for its entire life. Somehow, it got him up mountains fairly quickly.
This day he went up a couple of mountains very quickly indeed, in le Farce of 99. From 50km out, no less, it was hard viewing as he held off a supercharged pack of pock-marked pin-cushions including some forgotten YJA (Yellow Jerseyed Asshole) with a note from his mum. *Coincidentally, the stage finish town of Piau Engaly is French for Pure Ugly, fitting for Fernando’s only win in le Grande Farce.
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Riding ugly -- that be me. Or the first person I would imagine anyway. But I am starting anew and possibly ready to race again this season as well. I have created a training (and eating) device for cycling and simply calling it -- 'Sean Yates'. If I must choose to emulate a rider then it shall be Yates. I'll continue to chase and be motivated by this virtual Sean Yates until I think that I am ready. Then I'll be race ready.
This should certainly work better than all my previous training devices.
"Coincidentally, the stage finish town of Piau Engaly is French for Pure Ugly"
Fuck, yes! I rode up it last year more as a Col bagging exercise. Even though it was misty at the summit when I got there, the only picture I took was of the notice board in the main area (that I'm sure would be very nice covered in snow) which had the name on it as sorta 'proof' that I got there.
This after the stunningly beautiful climb to Gap de Cap de Long...
Anyone have a Top 10 Most Ugly on the Bike list they want to share?
@Anjin-san
10 uglies is tough. Here's 8 in no particular order:
Michel Pollentier
Stephan Schumacher
Raymond Martin
Bernhard Kohl
Rassmusen (The Chicken)
Leif Hoste
Fernando Escartin
Gert Jan Theunisse
@Anjin-san
I'd have thought that for riding style Chris Anker Sorensen would be near the top of the list and for lack of sartorial elegance Sir Brad is a front runner too!
@Anjin-san
Good responses so far, but they would be greatly enhanced with pictures.
Gert, hat tip BRR. I think I posted this a few days ago, but it bears repeating:
Wilifred Peters, Arenberg style:
Not sure whats worse, the lid or the kit...
Nice article Bretto. Save the next in this series for Mancebo, another beat up twisted looking rider. I've been trying to figure out my own position and what is bothering a knee lately. Time spent on a trainer with a iphone camera from different angles made me realize I look like Escartine! I never knew. One knee out, one foot in, bloody oath, it ain't that pretty at all.
@wiscot
Did you ever read Robin Magowan's book on the 78 Tour? Fantastic book. It's in da Works.
@Nate
Roberto Gaggioli-man he made some prize money off the Americans. Better looking on a bike.
Great observation/article...and er....*cough...I have that Kelme top somewhere in the cupboard of no return!