2012 Velominati Super Prestige: New Riders, New Races, New Rules
Focus groups are forced marches out of the safety of our locked and darkened offices to delve into group work that would certainly be accomplished by one person, namely you, with much more efficiency and elegance. As it happens, the suspicions you’ve had about the dude you’ve successfully avoided conversation with for three years in the break room being a Magic playing cross-dresser are true. Similarly, the hottie from finance you do your damnedest to time your morning elevator ride with will not stop talking about her annual vacations to Sandals and the fact that she’s a “resort certified” scuba diver. Yawn. Can’t these people stay focused so we can get this over with and I can go back to my office and read Velominati?
Who would have thought the VSP Focus Group convened by Frank would be any different? I’ll let you guess who struggles with a gender-identity crisis. Thus began a seemingly endless stream of sometimes focused, sort of productive, and always hilarious emails from a few members of the community with highly ranked badges and long histories of participating in the VSP. Don’t even try to FOIA the emails as they’ve been scrubbed from all the servers and all members of the focus group were sworn to secrecy. With that, we are proud to present to you (sans PowerPoint) the exciting (at least to the loudest of us on the focus group) changes and additions to the Velominati Super Prestige. Pay attention Ron.
New Riders
We’ll begin by highlighting the addition of VVomen’s Road Racing to the VSP. For reasons that go far beyond the fact the the letter V is not used at the beginning of any word to describe the part of the male anatomy, women’s road racing will be included in this year’s VSP. Alpine skiing, tennis, soccer, and golf all surpass our sport on the “better” scale in this regard by not only the including but also the featuring women at the highest levels of competition. That’s wrong – not that women are featured but that those sports are better in some respect than pro cycling. But what’s wronger is that the amount of prestige and attention given to the pro Velominata is not commensurate with the levels of Rule #5 they’re leaving out on the road. So study up people and get to know the women’s pro peloton if you want to be competitive this year. Although there will be jerseys awarded to both the men’s and women’s leaders, the overall VSP will combine the scoring from both categories.
New Races
In addition to the women’s races we’re including more men’s races. Most notably here is the inclusion of il Strade Bianche because it’s badass. Period. You’ll also notice the Grand Prix Cycliste de Montréal on the list. This race conveniently fills a gap in the fall and serves up competitive racing with great riders at a time when lesser GC men and dopers are gallivanting around Spain for three weeks. Have a look at the VSP Schedule for the full calendar.
New Rules and Scoring
Nobody will be surprised if this is where we receive at once the most praise and the most blow back. Be that is it may, the Keepers have spoken so suck it the fuck up and deal with it. Conversely, if you like the new rules mail 10 bottles of Surly Smoke to Velominati World Headquarters.
- You will be allotted one (1) rest day to make swaps in grand tours. You pick either the first or second rest day. The penalties for swapping will be lower for the first rest day than the second. This will allow you to swap out a rider(s) who gets hosed in some first week nervous shitshow with a 5 point penalty for each swap. Or make some go for broke/doomed to fail break-away swap on the second rest day for a 10 point penalty each swap. That’s it. You make one swap or five on either rest day for the corresponding 5 or 10 point penalty per swap.
After that you’ve undoubtedly formulated some questions about scoring. So here’s the new points scheme, based on correctly picking the first five places in the race:
- One-Day Races: 7, 5, 4, 3, 2; plus the usual bonus point system of 1 point per rider in the top five.
- Stage Races: 10, 8, 7, 5, 3; plus 2 points per rider in the top five.
- Grand Tours: 20, 15, 10, 7, 5; plus 3 points per rider in the top five and stage VSP’s.
But wait, there’s more. It’s called a bike race because the person who wins the race both started and finished the race. Le Grande Boucle may be won on the slopes of L’Alpe but it’s not started nor is it finished there. Therefore, we are abolishing the free DNF swaps; if one of your riders crashes out, DNF’s, or DNS’s, you may swap them out on a rest day with corresponding penalties if you haven’t already used up your one rest day swap. The only exception to this is riders who are booted from a race for a positive test; if your rider is on the juice and gets chucked off the race, you get a free swap of that rider within 24 hours of the disqualification. This is our little way of saying that doping is not considered a legitimate part of our sport. That said, once the race is finished, results are set in stone and if a positive test comes up 18 months later, we will not be changing our results or scoring.
With little more than V days to go until our first VSP – Het Volk (if you’re confused by this name see Rule #89 as well as the word Niewsblad which contains no V’s) – we also promise to make the effort to post VSP competitions earlier in advance of the race start. This will give you ample time to come with your excuse for pulling a Delgado. We also absolutely love the quirky names we all give riders, many of which are cast in stone over in the Lexicon. But ask yourself before you post some obtuse moniker if the average Keeper mapping the VSP will understand it. If the answer is no, come up with something less clever because if we have to spend more than 5 seconds thinking about it we reserve the right to toss it out. We’re also excited to unveil special commenter badges for the winners of each Monument. Imagine your posts being graced with a little cobblestone if you win the P-R VSP or a tiny Lion of Flanders if you win De Ronde. This shit just gets better and better.
Thanks to all you assholes who wasted everyone else’s time in the focus group. The only noise coming from the Velominati conference room since we finished our work has been Brett screaming something about red kites as he prays to a chubby bicycle rider’s blog. Things are back to normal. And a sincere thanks to all of you who participate in the VSP. It is a labor of love and one of the aspects of our community that makes us who we are. Good luck this year. There’s a shop apron with your name on it if you’re on form.
2012 VSP Schedule
|
Men |
|||
| Start | End | Event | Country |
| 25.02.2012 | 25.02.2012 | Omloop Het Volk (fuck that Neiwsblad shit) | BEL |
| 03.03.2012 | 03.03.2012 | Strade Bianche | ITA |
| 04.03.2012 | 11.03.2012 | Paris – Nice | FRA |
| 07.03.2012 | 13.03.2012 | Tirreno-Adriatico | ITA |
| 17.03.2012 | 17.03.2012 | Milano-Sanremo | ITA |
| 25.03.2012 | 25.03.2012 | Gent – Wevelgem | BEL |
| 01.04.2012 | 01.04.2012 | Ronde van Vlaanderen / Tour des Flandres | BEL |
| 08.04.2012 | 08.04.2012 | Paris – Roubaix | FRA |
| 15.04.2012 | 15.04.2012 | Amstel Gold Race | NED |
| 18.04.2012 | 18.04.2012 | La Fléche Wallonne | BEL |
| 22.04.2012 | 22.04.2012 | Liége – Bastogne – Liége | BEL |
| 05.05.2012 | 27.05.2012 | Giro d’Italia | ITA |
| 09.06.2012 | 17.06.2012 | Tour de Suisse | SUI |
| 30.06.2012 | 22.07.2012 | Tour de France | FRA |
| 28.07.12 | 28.07.12 | Men’s Olympic Road Race | GB |
| 14.08.2012 | 14.08.2012 | Clasica Ciclista San Sebastian | ESP |
| 18.08.2012 | 09.09.2012 | Vuelta a España | ESP |
| 09.09.2012 | 09.09.2012 | Grand Prix Cycliste de Montréal | CAN |
| 23.09.2012 | 23.09.2012 | World Championship – Elite Men | NED |
| 29.09.2012 | 29.09.2012 | Il Lombardia | ITA |
| 07.10.2012 | 07.10.2012 | Paris-Tours | FRA |
|
VVomen |
|||
| Start | End | Event | Country |
| 25.02. 2012 | 25.02.2012 | Omloop Het Volk – VVomen | BEL |
| 01.04.2012 | 01.04.2012 | Ronde van Vlaanderen / Tour des Flandres | BEL |
| 18.04.2012 | 18.04.2012 | La Fléche Wallonne Féminine | BEL |
| 29.06.2012 | 08.07.2012 | Giro d’Italia Internazionale Femminile | ITA |
| 29.07.12 | 29.07.12 | Women’s Olympic Road Race | GB |
| 22.09.2012 | 22.09.2012 | World Championship – Elite VVomen | NED |
WHAT ??? No grand prix cycliste de Québec ??????
Sweet! Now for my first full year. Go ahead and just mail me the apron now. It’ll save us all a big headache.
Awesome!! Just awesome. I love it. Life is great. Everything is great! Oh, and keep @scaler911 away from Buck. Or things could get awkward fast.
I shall NOT be commenting on this thread as my suggestions were usually ignored and I seemed to somehow only be invited for a sense of amusement anyways (at my own sake, no less)!
Vas deferens… Just saying…
Looking forward to defending my Maillot Jaune and adding another monument to my palmares.
On another note, I rode 2/3 of the CA Cogal Day One route this morning. The bad news is that I was completely pasted at the top of La Cumbre Peak, so you have that to look forward to. The good news is, the road surfaces are as good as they’ve ever been, and the long range weather forecast looks promising
Vive La Vie Velominatus!
@sgt
Wikipedia doesn’t count. Neither does Latin.
@Buck Rogers
I can’t speak for the others, but your potty mouth relegated most of your posts to my spam folder so I didn’t see them until much later. But you were amusing.
@Marko
Yes it does.
@sgt
When was the last time you heard someone crack a vas deferens joke? Not funny, no it doesn’t.
Speaking as a newcomer, I have no idea what’s going on. How do I play? I’m getting tired of my plain grey little icon… I could use a jersey.
Good work Keepers job well done. Now my palms start shweeting and I get jittery thinking about the pressure…
@Calmante
Don’t worry about the jersey. @sgt will be handing that off to me in short order.
But to answer your question: Soon on the VSP page will be 5 boxes that you put the riders in that you think will be in the top 5. Goes on all season in accordance with the above races.The rest is explained above. G’Luck.
I am going to give it a shot this year, although in the back of my mind I keep hearing a quote from Mark Twain “Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are stupid, rather than open your mouth and remove all doubt.” (I paraphrased).
That said, including a race in States would be good- Tour of California or USA Pro Cycling Challenge… Maybe next year.
Fantastic. Looking forward to the beginning of the contest. I shall claim beginners luck for my 4th place finish last year, unless I do well this year in which case I acutally know what I’m doing
@Marko
Whew, I’m glad someone was able to tease out the results of that nutty focus group, we lost our way on that. Yeah, another year of half-assed picks but I’m ready to put money down on Fabs getting his Faboo back on this year. And actually seeing him in person, if only for a second, damn exciting.
What!?!? No Alan Butler Memorial Criterium this year?
@Gianni
We’ll be giddier than 16 yr old Beatles fans at the Ed Sullivan show as he whizzes past.
@Marko
Actually, we both just did!
OK, How about this one? A vas deferens, a penis and a prostate walk into a bar. The bartender says to the prostate, “Sorry, but if you can’t keep your friends under control, you’re going to have to leave… You’re all acting like dicks.”
I have been waiting with anticipation for a VSP update. The format should make it interesting. Definitely multidimensional. Bring on the racing!
@scaler911
Thanks, asshole!
;-)
@all
Small mistake in the scoring section; 2 bonus points for the right name/wrong place in Stage Races, and 3 bonus points for Grand Tours.
@scaler911, @Calmante
Awww….look at you two.
@Anjin-san
Meh…we kick ToC around every year, and every year they do something Anti-V like cancel a stage because the riders donnawanna that day.
Seriously, though, we tried to stay away from races that tend to field “training” rosters and focus on the races where the bulk of the riders show up fit and ready to race. The Tour de Suisse is the exception to this, but mostly because while it does field a healthy bunch of prep riders, it always ends up being a massive nail-biter. Its just too badass a race to leave out. You’ll also notice we omitted the Tour of China or whateverthefuck.
If the US Pro Cycling Challenge goes badass, we could see that one in there – it was off to a promising start. I would like to see them rename it to the Coors Classic. Sounds like a good name for a race.
Very Excited!
Going to go for win this season, improving on my top 10 last season. I need some stinking badges after all.
Very nice to season the addition of some bad-ass women’s racing too +1
@Godsight
I thought Quebec was going to be included. There was much talk about Canada going on strike.
WOW! It’s back! It’s that time of year! Awesome. The races should be pretty good, but all I’m thinking about is that shop apron!
Can’t wait, feel like I’m hit my stride this season as a Velominatus!
Y’all can have this jersey over my dead body.
Excellent stuff people. I’m feeling a little excited down under!
Too complicated. I’m going back to drinking my beer and thinking about riding.
Then sitting back and laughing while watching the sword fights that erupt throughout the season.
Excellent. Just … excellent.
VSP Overall Picks.
1. Tommy Tub Tub
2. Cyclops
3. Nate
4. Il ciclista medio
5. Adrian
2012 will be my first VSP and I’m looking forward to getting involved.
I’m going to have to do a bit of research into the VVomens events though…
@Bill
It’s really not though. All you have to know are the names of five riders and type them into little boxes. We take care of the rest.
no olympics road race?
Okay, okay to our friends in Canada (which I can see from my house btw), the reason why I didn’t put Quebec and Montreal in is because they seem like the same damn race. They’re held two days apart, in the same province, and are both 12k-ish circuit races. Live a little Canada! Make one a point to point road race and we’ll talk.
With that being said, why don’t all of BOTH of you pick one, host country’s choice, and we’ll include that one.
@sgt
Awesome. Chapeau. Have a great cogal.
@motor city
Fucking Olympic years. Everytime I hear about the Olympics these days it has something to do with Mitt Romney and I tune out. But you raise a good point as this is a major goal for riders. Funny, it never came up in the Focus Group either. Now we’ll have to re-convene.
@Marko
Olympics added for men’s and women’s.
I suppose I’ll give it a shot, even though I don’t think I can guess too well.
@Marko
cheers Marko. Its impossible to avoid the olympics build up in the UK, particularly this weekend with the velodrome being used for the first time. Some great pictures here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/gallery/2012/feb/17/cycling-olympics-2012-pictures#/?picture=386122425&index=0
@motor city
Beautiful looking facility. Chris Hoy is looking tough again.
Looking forward to my first full season in the VSP. Very excited!
Is @Nate a Gilbert fan and was that part of why he won last year?
Good luck everyone.
Holy Mercx! I’ve got a grey cog!
@Marko
…or since it’s a crapshoot anyway, just do one VSP pick that carries over both of the races and you can pick up points anytime your riders show in either one.
Seriously, though””and I know you were poking fun””I think the circuit is the secret to their success. Fans get to see the racers multiple times on an exciting course and organizers can put on a big event without the race being stretched over 200km. Probably the way to go in North America to help build the sport. The Quebec crowd rejected the idea of going for the World Championships (a la Richmond), because they wanted to build a sustainable event that would continue to generate revenue and interest. By all accounts, they seem to have done an excellent job.
@snoov
And spell Merckx like that again, and you’ll be relegated back to 4 and blocked from the site…
@Steampunk
I realised that mistake as I hit the Submit Post button, I am completely mortified and ashamed of myself. I just got so excited.
Great Job on this Keepers. Can’t wait to get it rolling.
I think I’ll take he “throw darts at the wall” approach and see what happens.
@frank
Feel your point on the Tour of Cali. Though I do think the canceling of stage 1 could easily be understood after the Weylandt tragedy only a week earlier. Interested to see how the new route spices things up.
Ultimately I think the US Pro has a better shot at being relavent because of it’s timing. Maybe they should get daring and move the Tour of Cali to August and connect the two… They could call it the Coors Amgen US Pro Tour of California Cycling challenge classic presented by Quiznos.
@Marko
Wait, I’ll find my “potty mouth” a la Steamy and be right there!
Maybe we can rehash the no swaps under ANY circumstances and the talk of throwing the women’s races out as well???
@frank
unfortunately I agree with you re: ToC. Pro Cycling Challenge has the potential, but the promoters are going to have to do something different, like share revenues with teams, to get the big boys to show up with their big name riders. I am thinking of heading to Colorado to watch this year. A bunch of my mates went last year and had a ball- they were shocked at how big the crowds were… the high mountain stages looked like the TDF.
@harminator
no, no, no… Anjin-san starts with an “A”…