Categories: General

Breaking the Rules: Thumb-Hard; Finger-Easy

The Rules are a living thing; a set of truths that have been captured but which do not represent a comprehensive record.  They speak to whole larger than any of us and thus will never be complete. Indeed, we will always need to read between the lines of – to feel – The Rules in our pursuit of them.

Take, for example, Rule #57: No stickers.  Simple, logical. Obviously, this is aimed at stickers applied after-market by a consumer attempting to self-identify with a group of some kind.  Frame decals and safety stickers applied by the manufacturer are obviously not in violation, while, on the other hand, if one were to put a label on your handlebars that reminded you how what the various levers do when shifting, that probably falls into the “Maybe Not” category and should never need to be recorded in the Canon.

When plodding around town, my eye always seeks out bicycles and I make quick, almost subconscious assessments of how compliant the various bikes are with The Rules.  When I find sufficiently egregious violations, I generally snap a picture of it, just in case I need it in the future for court hearings and such.

This particular violation was seen while a Velominati Scouting Team (consisting of Jim, John, myself and various friends and family) were out doing a test-ride of equipment prior to our Big Ride on Saturday.  I took these photos for the bike’s violation of Rule #44 Rule #45, Rule #48, Rule #49, Rule #57, and Rule #61. Surprisingly, there was adherence to one of the more subtle Rules, Rule #40, but I’m guessing that was by some sort of freak accident, since the owner of this bike can not possibly have been attuned to it.

Upon closer inspection of the handlebars lurked a perfect example of why The Rules will never be a comprehensive Study Guide to cycling’s canon of etiquette, for this violation should never need to be explicitly documented within it’s texts, a Velominatus should “feel” it:

These particular stickers prod at the psychology of the bike’s owner: Thumb Hard, Finger Easy. (There might also be a moral lesson hidden within the meaning of those stickers, but I’m not smart enough to grasp it.)  I’m almost impressed by the fact that both stickers have it right despite the insistence of those damn Italian developers of the Campy Ergo levers to make both levers work the opposite way.  I can only imagine how many iterations it took to get the labels right.  Further, the bold, white font does nothing to the label’s subtlety; this is the work of an individual making a public declaration of their inability to absorb the workings of a simple mechanical device.

The only explanation I can come up with is that this bike belongs to a compulsive labeler; I can only imagine what other stickers this person has surrounded himself with to clarify the obvious.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • Hmm... I think my stem may be against the rules... but I'll plead innocence and my lack of tape measure

  • Two things:

    He probably has "If it's yellow, let it mellow - If it's brown, flush it down" engraved into his toilet seat.

    Do I need to scrape the "Climbs like a sprinter - Sprints like a climber" stickers off off my seat stays?*

    *A Cat 3 I ride with asked me if that means I'm a badass "All-Rounder" - alas, it is not so.

  • @Nathan Edwards

    I'll plead innocence and my lack of tape measure

    Nothin' doin' pal. How do you get your seat height right? Or your reach? Or your saddle position? Get on it, and get a tape measure. And start obsessively cataloging all position measurements, and keep a record of all changes you ever make. And then proceed to not use that information in any practical manner.

  • @Cyclops

    If it's yellow, let it mellow - If it's brown, flush it down

    Or, Marko's version of that:

    UP-PEE
    DOWN-POOP

    And then there's the obvious ones:

    Refrigerator:

    BOTTOM-COLD
    TOP-COLDER

    Computor:

    ON-TYPE
    OFF-DON'T TYPE

  • @Rob
    John and I really wanted to hang around and see what this git looked like. What if he came out with shaved guns and fully kitted up? Then what?

  • frank :@Rob
    John and I really wanted to hang around and see what this git looked like. What if he came out with shaved guns and fully kitted up? Then what?

    With that helmet, chain, and pedals? Methinks not. Driving an older Volvo, though, I think maybe we can attribute a bit of humor to the stickers. My car has a bunch of buttons on the dash, which I still can't figure out (even with the manual). Many years ago, to amuse/confuse the kids, I added a number of labels to these nondescript (and non-functioning buttons): "higher," "lower," "magic," and "more magic." Maybe a rider with a sense of humor waiting for keepers to be aghast with his handlebars. Or maybe a rider who used to have these on backwards on another bike (we had a debate about the correct way, no?) and needed the reminder. At least there was no "stop: squeeze" sticker.

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