Dead Tired

This is what tired feels like.

Before I make this about me, as I always do, I want to give credit to Roberto Ballini, who is pictured here sunning himself against nothing less morbid than a gravestone during the 1971 Tour de France, presumably in protest to how much of a shitshow The Prophet was making of the race.

But let’s be honest: being tired is the best part of Cycling. To begin with, going for a ride and not coming back at least a little bit tired is entirely unrewarding, unless you happen to be a Recovery Ride Specialist. I do enjoy a recovery ride and the satisfaction of coming home feeling light and loose and not at all tired, but anything representing a real ride needs to leave something behind in the body, something tangible that reminds us of the work we put in. It doesn’t have to be devastating by any means, but we should feel the ride somewhere in our being.

I struggle with depression a bit. I’m an introvert in an extroverted world who writes publicly (here, in Cyclist, and now also for Rouleur) about his love for Cycling. The shock for me is that Cycling and writing are my greatest passions, and they have miraculously come together to lay the foundation for this incredible worldwide community in the Cycling world – something I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams.

The irony is that when either the writing or the Cycling doesn’t come, I start to come apart at the seams. When they fall apart, I fall apart as well.

I suppose I’ve been an athlete and an artist my whole life, but it takes some time for you to find your specific medium in both these areas. It may well be a “calling”, but life can throw its voice like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I found Cycling by way of Nordic Skiing, and I found writing by way of Cycling. Which is another way of saying I have been using Cycling to aide my ills much longer than I have been using Writing to do so.

I don’t know much about fixing Writers Block, but I have learned a thing or two about using the bike to fix almost anything else: Sometimes you just have to ride until you can’t ride anymore. Run it until the mind has nothing left to think about but getting home. When I had been off the bike (Holidays?) and stopped writing (Holidays?), I fell back into that familiar darkness (Holidays?). So after (too many days) I realized what I needed to do: get on the bike and pedal. So I did. I rode through a terrible cold I didn’t expect; the kind of cold that freezes your fingers and toes to the point you don’t feel them properly for weeks.

It worked. I felt alive again. Facing the prospect of riding home through those conditions reminded me that I could face anything. Getting home reminded me that I can not only face but conquer anything. It didn’t cure me of my dragons, they will be back, but it turned the tide on the emotional experience I was having and that is one of the things Cycling has come to mean for me over the years.

Every day when I go out on my bike, I risk my life. But I risk more by not going out on my bike. The bike has saved my life so many times that I’m forever in its debt.

Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Teocalli says:

Jan 19 2017 at 4:12 pm

@Oli

Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling, Frank, but glad to hear you’re working your way through things partially thanks to this wonderful machine we are all so passionate about. Keep it rolling, bro.

However – there had to be a however, innit? – I’d like to second @Teocalli‘s assessment that this is not a gravestone at all but a town marker on Stage 7 of the ’71 Tour, but only because I’m pissed off that he got to point it out first.

Courtesy of my team doing a very long night migration leaving me long gaps to surf.
Salsiccione says:

Jan 19 2017 at 9:17 pm

Been there, and often. However, is my faithful adherence to the power of Rule V that keeps me from returning to the dark vortex. Onward, Frank.
Ron says:

Jan 20 2017 at 8:43 am

@Simon Balsom

I’ve been struggling to find a reason to ride. It’s not that I didn’t want to, but that when the time came I always found other pressing matters that got in the way. Felt ashamed every time – but managed to convince myself that it was only me that saw through the lies. I consoled myself and kept ‘bike fit’ on the turbo and even (whispers) at spinning classes – lots of them. But never a ride, not since 9 July 2016 anyway. Until this morning. It could have been the blue skies and promise of warmth from the sun (but I’ve seen plenty of those since July, so it must have been something else). I think the time is right when it’s right. Today it was right, and I’m adamant that I’ve never felt my bicycle move so serenely and so silently. Didn’t go far, didn’t go fast. But in others ways I’ve never travelled further in 45 minutes than I did this morning.

Good on ya, Simon!

I have that same feeling...whether I get out for 45 minutes or 4 hours, I always ALWAYS return feeling completely transformed for the better. Keep on crankin'!
Ron says:

Jan 20 2017 at 8:50 am

I too have felt "dead tired" of late. I've always been high energy and kinda able to do as I please - not sleep much, drink and eat as I want, ride as far and as fast as I want, sprint around at soccer twice a week without warming up/cooling down, etc. And I felt great and limitless.

Whelp, I'm sure having a new son doesn't help. Nor hitting my mid-30s. But lately, I feel things catching up to me. Nothing would have stopped me from a long ride in the past, but now I feel tired and second guess it. I'm sore for two days after soccer. If I stay up too late having fun, I have trouble getting out of bed. (I've never used a snooze alarm or coffee in my life). But, all of a sudden, I can feel I'm changing. It's pretty strange to me, as I've always had endless energy.

Oh well, I'm not really complaining. Life is good and I'm in a good state. Additionally, I think this might just be a knock-knock from Father Time. He's just checking in to let me know that I need to take a bit better care of myself. But, with all of this catching up with me, seeing someone like Jaromir Jagr playing at the highest level in his mid-40s truly blows my mind. My amateur career is catching up with me at a much younger age.

A good weekend to all! Ride up, rest up, keep on turning the cranks.
azryder says:

Jan 20 2017 at 1:58 pm

@frank

So few words, yet so much awesomeness. Ride On!
Oli says:

Jan 21 2017 at 3:07 am

@Ron

You are simply experiencing the Human Condition, same as the rest of us. Better get used to it!
Grimace says:

Jan 22 2017 at 3:50 am

So true. I suspect there's a great many of us that are hopelessly addicted to the sport for that magical moment of calm that descends somewhere mid ride. For me it's like the bells of Shangri-la banishing anxiety. Whatever was gnawing at me will still be there but the bike has turned it into something manageable again.

Thank you for sharing that Frank. You are definitely not alone in your sentiments.
ErikdR says:

Jan 23 2017 at 1:10 am

A very, very belated 'Happy New Year' to all you fine Velominati - and my apologies for the deafening radio-silence from these parts. I've been (and still am) in the process of staging a fairly radical career change these days, which has kept me off the streets (and then some). At the ripe old (young?) age of 58, such a change can both be very exciting - and absolutely terrifying, as it turns out. (Details to follow, perhaps, at some point).

Thanks for the article, Frank (resonated on many levels) - and good to 'see' you again. As for riding my bike.... well; winter in Scandinavia, and busy as hell - nuff said. *Sigh*. But something tells me that I'll be back on two wheels in a matter of weeks. And it won't be a minute too soon. I miss riding.
ErikdR says:

Jan 23 2017 at 1:12 am

Ha! I see that my prolonged absence has caused me to be demoted to 'Level 1'. Serves me right.
KogaLover says:

Jan 23 2017 at 4:28 am

@ErikdR

Hi Erik, best of luck with the career change and good to see you're still alive and kicking. Best way to change your level is by writing a guest article; that gives you the honorable guest-contributor-V.