This is what tired feels like.
Before I make this about me, as I always do, I want to give credit to Roberto Ballini, who is pictured here sunning himself against nothing less morbid than a gravestone during the 1971 Tour de France, presumably in protest to how much of a shitshow The Prophet was making of the race.
But let’s be honest: being tired is the best part of Cycling. To begin with, going for a ride and not coming back at least a little bit tired is entirely unrewarding, unless you happen to be a Recovery Ride Specialist. I do enjoy a recovery ride and the satisfaction of coming home feeling light and loose and not at all tired, but anything representing a real ride needs to leave something behind in the body, something tangible that reminds us of the work we put in. It doesn’t have to be devastating by any means, but we should feel the ride somewhere in our being.
I struggle with depression a bit. I’m an introvert in an extroverted world who writes publicly (here, in Cyclist, and now also for Rouleur) about his love for Cycling. The shock for me is that Cycling and writing are my greatest passions, and they have miraculously come together to lay the foundation for this incredible worldwide community in the Cycling world – something I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams.
The irony is that when either the writing or the Cycling doesn’t come, I start to come apart at the seams. When they fall apart, I fall apart as well.
I suppose I’ve been an athlete and an artist my whole life, but it takes some time for you to find your specific medium in both these areas. It may well be a “calling”, but life can throw its voice like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I found Cycling by way of Nordic Skiing, and I found writing by way of Cycling. Which is another way of saying I have been using Cycling to aide my ills much longer than I have been using Writing to do so.
I don’t know much about fixing Writers Block, but I have learned a thing or two about using the bike to fix almost anything else: Sometimes you just have to ride until you can’t ride anymore. Run it until the mind has nothing left to think about but getting home. When I had been off the bike (Holidays?) and stopped writing (Holidays?), I fell back into that familiar darkness (Holidays?). So after (too many days) I realized what I needed to do: get on the bike and pedal. So I did. I rode through a terrible cold I didn’t expect; the kind of cold that freezes your fingers and toes to the point you don’t feel them properly for weeks.
It worked. I felt alive again. Facing the prospect of riding home through those conditions reminded me that I could face anything. Getting home reminded me that I can not only face but conquer anything. It didn’t cure me of my dragons, they will be back, but it turned the tide on the emotional experience I was having and that is one of the things Cycling has come to mean for me over the years.
Every day when I go out on my bike, I risk my life. But I risk more by not going out on my bike. The bike has saved my life so many times that I’m forever in its debt.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
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@KogaLover
Cheers, mate.
I happen to have a little 'early spring guest article' lined up, actually: Needs a bit of polishing still, but on its way. And for (much) later this year, I may even attempt to present - in these hallowed halls - a 3D rendering of a virtual project called "The bike-shed of my dreams" (if the Keepers will let me get away with it, that is...). Let's see how things develop.
But it's good to be back.
@ErikdR
Tell me about it. I was all the way down to level 4. I had to contribute a guest article just to cover up the embarrassment!
@Oracle
Heheh... Y'know what? I actually made a mistake here, I think (which happens a lot - and doesn't bode well for this 'new career' of mine, perhaps...): I had somehow convinced myself that Level 4 was actually the HIGHEST level I'd ever obtained - and that being at Level 1 meant a considerable three steps back - while it's the other way around, of course (Mild case of dyscalculia here, I'm afraid).
In fact, I have, so far, never made it past Level 1 (and into the orders) to begin with - so things aren't nearly as bad as I feared.
I have been spending a lot of energy this winter keeping the Black Dog at bay. A lack of rides, and generally sub par circumstances in life have combined to hand me a shit outlook on things.
Someone posted on our local group about a ride this weekend. The temps were higher than usual, by a good 20 degrees. However it was very damp. My last two rides were damp to downright soaking and I lost the will to push through for more than an hour. Leading to a further spiral downwards. Not feeling good about it I decided to show up anyway. I'm glad I did. Including myself we had three folks set off. After warming up the conversations began. With conversations came jokes, with jokes came laughs, and with laughs a higher spirit.
The last time I remember truly laughing before that was about three months back. Needless to say I'd found a lot of joy that day. I'm still not as chipper as I can be, but I have the presence of mind that things can get better. A context I found myself lacking prior. As the winter rolls on I've also decided, in no small part due to urging from my riding partners, to get a fat bike. They ride rain or shine, snow or sun, year round. An alternative to the trainer, or soggy dreary road rides is exactly what I need to stay in the saddle, and out of the Black Dog's grasp.
Nothing beats pain in making pain go away.
"Cycling has saved my life." I say it all the time. And when I fall back into the rut, one ride pulls me right back out. Stay tough Frank, spring is right around the corner!!
@universo
Yes, I can routinely get close to the crafty buggers when on a bike unarmed. When otherwise, well...
Love your writing Frank. Despite how it sometimes feels don't think you're alone in the battle mate. Keep those pedals turning.
Very good and brave text. Thank you! (long ride - cold beer- getting more and more tired: thats the formula)
Oli - say it ain't so! One upside to having a child: you are too tired and overwhelmed to give much thought to anything more than surviving another day/night. It can make life easier!