When I was but a young Velominatus, my poor mother was often horrified/embarrassed/disgusted by my typical boy’s habit of sucking back the mucous from the back of my throat and swallowing it… yes, I know, now you’re disgusted too. Taking me to seek a cure from the good Dr Edwards, he let her down somewhat with his prognosis that what I was doing was actually a good thing to clear the sinuses, yet suggested that swallowing was actually better replaced by spitting the gunk out. I claimed a moral victory over mum, as much as an eight year old can over their much wiser matriarch. And so I went through my youth and adolescence into my adult years reinforced with the belief that the guttural snorting and consequent ejection of my snot rockets was in fact something to be proud of and even healthy. Not that I flaunted it, but whenever a girlfriend, mate or colleauge would roll their eyes and declare what a pig I was, I could confidently refute their assertions with the endorsement of the good doctor. I really should have had him write me out a disclaimer note to produce on cue and validate my excuse, and pinned it to the nearest wall with a sticky green exclamation mark.
Of course, it’s not the kind of habit that one just practices whenever the need arises, and carefully timed and stealthily executed ejections became the order of the day. But whenever I got on my bike, the need to clear the passages became more evident and necessary, compounded by the deep breathing and extra work the lungs and throat were required to undertake. Riding a bike and spitting seem to go together like fucking and orgasms (I’m speaking for myself here, but you get my drift). It’s a ritual that is inherent in the ranks from the recreational rider through to the pros. But even among my riding peers, there are always those who share my mother’s view that I’m nothing more than a snot riddled pig and that I should just put up with the discomfort of limited oxygen transportation and the inconvenience of a throat/nose full of lung butter.
So through necessity I’ve been forced to develop over the years a series of methods and moves designed to lessen the impact on my fellow Velominati, and still allow me to keep operating efficiently. Here are some of my top snot tips for the mucously challenged Velominatus.
Just don’t let my mum see you.
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Ah yes. The snot rocket.
I'm a both barrels over the left shoulder kinda guy. For some reason the urge rarely strikes when I'm riding in a paceline. Whatever.
Three anecdotes.
1. The year that I started racing, I was spectating with the father of one of my teammates. The race was for one of our more accomplished riders a few categories up. At one point during the race as the pack went by, a snot rocket was launched by said teammate directly onto father. He took it extraordinarily well.
2. Memories of a photo of Sean Kelly in Winning circa late 80's during one of the filthy weather spring classics. Clear as day, was the most massive snot blob on his leg, obviously from the rider in front. Kelly was so hard that a) he didn't notice, or b) he didn't give a shit.
3. Of late I've been racing dirt crits here in Melbourne. Short course mountain bike races of about 50mins duration at night. As we have to use lights, it is quite amazing to see what sort of stuff hangs in the air as your'e barreling down the singletrack. Long story short, the rider in front launched a snot rocket whose trajectory would be considered acceptable, but the high powered LED's highlighted the cloud of microscopic mucus and other such goo that I had little choice but to ride through. My first thought was to be grateful for wearing my glasses, and my second thought was, whatever, just keep going.
@Nate
What do you think tubular glue is? Nothing but someone else's @Marcus
Everyone you know will thank me later.
Oops sorry that was a formatting error I thought I'd deleted the comment about tubular Glue. I wasn't inferring what it looks like.
Frank, Bretto can you delete that one please?
Snot rocketeers might heed the advice of Astronautics Magazine (Issue 38, 1937).
"A good rule for rocket experimenters to follow is this: always assume that it will explode."
Having suffered the collateral damage of ballistic mucus - both self-launched and neighbour-launched - I long ago decided it was not an art to master, and one best left to exiled Nazi scientists and Russian dog-killers.
Also I tend to have a fairly constant run, in colder weather, which would not have the coherency to be ejected effectively.
My technique is the snot flick, using thumb and forefinger to squeeze rapidly down the nose and then flicking away at the end. It stays together and can be flicked fairly accurately with practice, avoiding any spray or unhappy landings.
@minion
...the story almost always ends with one wondering into LBS and dropping some coin.
@minion
+1 - my agony is somewhat abated by that
My late father - a man who never owned a car and cycled (very slowly) everywhere was an expert on mobile bodily functions. His masterpiece was a sneeze that ejected his false teeth sufficiently far in front to allow him to run them over. Remarkably he managed to effect an emergency repair and they served him well for many more years - his pride in them often extended to removing them at the dinner table and giving them a good old clean. Happy days.
@the Engine
Wobble to the right during snot rocket? Clear sign for unbalanced core strength. Work needed here...
@Pete F
Could be - I suspect that core strength issues may be at the root of my back problem. I'll use the leftward snot bias as evidence in my talk with the physio.
@brett. I suspect this article was just an excuse to show off your impressive collection of mucous-related euphamisms.