@prowrench is throwing down the greasy gauntlet. There is truth in his words. We already understand the gap between the professional cyclist and us civilians extends somewhere over the horizon. We can ride the bikes, wear nice kit and ride the race routes but that’s about as close as we can get. No one is paying us to ride. We are not Pros. But we can work on our own bikes can’t we?
Please also see the required supplemental reading, All You Bike Pricks.
VLVV, Gianni
You got a new bike a few years ago and something magical happened. You realized that when your legs aren’t languishing under a desk at the office or basking under the blue glare of the television that, by some unknown miracle, they can propel you to astounding speeds on your bicycle. You took heart, rode some more and you got quick. You joined a club, subscribed to every magazine and every blog, you learned The Rules and quickly ascended to the ranks of the initiated cyclist. Good for you!
You, the tinkerer, are one savvy fellow. You have examined the simple steed beneath you and with your god given mechanical prowess turned a few screws, fiddled with some barrel adjusters, squirted some lube here and there and tamed a few squeaks and calmed the wild mis-shifts that embarrassed you in front of your friends. You maintain your bike, your brother-in-law’s bike, your neighbor’s bike and the kids’ bikes from the neighborhood. Fueled with a few small successes and powered by the unlimited knowledge bestowed upon you by YouTube University and several forums you are now an expert mechanic. You can turn a wrench with the best of them…right?
Let me introduce you to an idea that may not have crossed your mind: You can’t.
Before you take offense, lend me your ear and I will try to help you to comprehend the vastness of all that you don’t know. As a professional mechanic of 12 years, I would like to introduce you to the subject of bicycle maintenance repair from the point of view of the greasy handed elitists who you have come to defy and will avoid paying at all costs.
Every morning I wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed and go to work; just like you. When I get to work, however, I am greeted by the aroma of tires and a spacious shop filled with expensive specialty tools and all manner of bikes. From the wobbly beginners’ bike to the bike you wish you had but probably never will, I work on them all, every day. Your hobby is my bread and butter.
I have installed thousands upon thousands of tires and tubes and threaded countless cables through more shifters and brake levers than you can begin to imagine. I have turned a million spoke nipples and skillfully negotiated the careful equilibrium of the perfectly trued wheel more times that you have tied your shoes. I remember to meticulously check the tension of every nut and bolt on your bike with precisely calibrated torque wrenches: a thought that you wish had occurred to you and a tool you wish you had. I wrap handlebars with confidence and great care so that the tape overlaps with an even, artful twist and tightens as you grip it instead of unraveling after your first few rides. I obsessively position every component just as it ought to be because every bike deserves to be in tip top shape and it is my livelihood to make it so.
I know you think you understand how your bike works. How hard could it be right? There is nothing hidden. Your bicycle sits before you baring all and yet you could take your bike to your neighborhood shop right now and they could find a thousand things wrong with it and just as many ways to charge you in order to fix it. There is a reason for that and the explanation is on its way.
It has taken me years to hone the skills involved in my craft. I can hear when your rear derailleur hanger is out of alignment by a degree or two and that has only come after listening to thousands of derailleurs ticking away in my work stand. You may as well be stone deaf when it comes to that. I know that dropping your front derailleur a millimeter or so and twisting it out just a hair will help it decisively slam and lock your chain to the big ring in the blink of an eye. You might as well be trying to pilot a spacecraft through an asteroid field with a blindfold on. The mechanics at your local shop have paid the price for the precious knowledge which you have supposed could come so easily. Rather than beleaguer you with further examples of how I am right and you are wrong, I will endeavor to make the process of outsourcing the sacred task of maintaining your bike a smooth and painless one.
Bridging The Gap
Successfully communicating with your local mechanics will be key to finding happiness in this process. Mechanics are a fickle bunch and if you haven’t figured it out by reading thus far, some of us might be a tad egotistical and maybe a touch insecure. I will do my best to set you up for success as you repent and and take your bike in for its first much needed, legitimate service.
First, take everything that you have come to know about working on bikes and stick it in your pocket. Mechanics know how to work on bikes and they don’t care much for hearing what you think it entails. From the moment the mechanic lays eyes on your bike, seeing your terrible attempt at wrapping bars, your grossly over lubed drivetrain or the hack job that you did running and ugly web of too long or too short cables and housing all over your bike, he will know, and it will go without saying, what it is that you have been up to. Don’t be too proud of your work because it will only result in heartbreak.
Second, bear in mind that time and expertise are never on closeout and it will cost you to have the pros lay their hands on your beloved bike and resuscitate it to full health. It will be important for your mental well-being to consult with your cohorts and settle on a mechanic that everyone can agree bills repair work fairly and is worth the money that you’ll spend. Since you have been maintaining your bike, you have been letting basic things go through the cracks. The mechanic will want to fix all of these before you get your bike back so your first visit could cost a small fortune. Take heart though, because once this is out of the way, subsequent visits will consist of simple adjustments mainly and will be relatively inexpensive.
Thirdly and most importantly, be kind. I provide whatever service is due to every customer based on what they pay, even if they treat me like scum. For the nice customer however, I always go above and beyond. As the owner of my shop always says, “It is nice to be nice to the nice”. Kindness is currency but even more importantly, currency is currency. A little gratuity goes a long long way at the bike shop. Cash or beer are customary.
Taking your bike to the shop can be a hard step for the committed and self-assured home mechanic. Before the sum of what you don’t know piles up and results in your untimely mid-club-ride death, consider my words and come to the light! Hang up your mail order toy toolset and take your bike to the pros. You deserve it. Your bike deserves it. A-Merckx.
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Talking of gumption depletion, had quite a non ride this morning. Out with Mrs Mersault, planning on 25kms or so, as she is just starting out cycling. At furthest point on the loop get a puncture, 2mm glass shard on the cycle path. Remove glass, check for anything else sharp, then replace tube and (mini) pump. Five seconds later puncture. Remove tube, patch with Lezyne sticky. Put back together and pump, looking good! Unscrew Lezyne mini pump flex hose. Whoosh! All the air goes. The part of Presta valve that can unscrew does. Put back together pump. Five seconds later puncture. Obscenities now audible in next county. Use last sticky and pump again. Now whenever I have pumped to reasonable pressure, the top part of valve will not lock, no matter how hard I hand tighten. Argh!! Four mile walk home in the cleats, as I don't really want to disturb anyone with a phone call on Sunday am.
Once back home, allow three hours to restore gumption, and all is now repaired and good, including replacement cleats. I have no idea what the moral is, and sorry for a boring story, but I had to tell somebody. Thanks for reading.
@meursault Yes I've had that happen with valve cores and Lezyne pumps - it's one of the drawback to the screw-o hose system, if the core is not screwed in very tight, and you don't really know until it happens.
@ChrisO
The first thing you should do with a valve core is take it out, put on some plumber's tape, and reinsert it tightly. It will never happen again.
If you were a pro mechanic you would know that.
@James
Brilliant!!
@frank
Another method that I've had success with is Loctite.
With regard to the Lezyne pump removing the valve, the trick is to unscrew the adapter head off the pump line, to release the pressure, before removing it from the valve, its the pressure in the line from the pump that binds the valve core to the adapter
Lezyne now offer a replacement adapter head with a built in pressure release for their older pumps as its such a common problem.
@mike Mine still does it even with the built in pressure release. Super frustrating in those hurried last few minutes before a ride. Plumbers tape/Loctite it is.
@xyxax
The valve core escape scenario is especially annoying/soul destroying when it strikes in the middle of of gluing tubulars - you've mounted the tubular, add some more air to get it seated nicely before filling it too maximum pressure.
I didn't need to do that more than once to start using loctite.
@meursault
Happened to me in spookily similar circumstances on Thursday - bent the valve core clean off with my Lezyne Flex hose - thanks to @Upthetrossachs for the spare.
@the Engine
try not to unscrew the valve all the way; 1/2 is plenty to inflate and won't bend that shit.
If you were a Pro Mechanic you would know that.
@frank
The LBS compare me unfavourably to the Muppets when it comes to my wrenching skills and I am under strict instructions not to fuck with #1 bike - #2 I have some leeway with