Guest Article: What You Don’t Know Will Eventually Kill You
@prowrench is throwing down the greasy gauntlet. There is truth in his words. We already understand the gap between the professional cyclist and us civilians extends somewhere over the horizon. We can ride the bikes, wear nice kit and ride the race routes but that’s about as close as we can get. No one is paying us to ride. We are not Pros. But we can work on our own bikes can’t we?
Please also see the required supplemental reading, All You Bike Pricks.
VLVV, Gianni
You got a new bike a few years ago and something magical happened. You realized that when your legs aren’t languishing under a desk at the office or basking under the blue glare of the television that, by some unknown miracle, they can propel you to astounding speeds on your bicycle. You took heart, rode some more and you got quick. You joined a club, subscribed to every magazine and every blog, you learned The Rules and quickly ascended to the ranks of the initiated cyclist. Good for you!
You, the tinkerer, are one savvy fellow. You have examined the simple steed beneath you and with your god given mechanical prowess turned a few screws, fiddled with some barrel adjusters, squirted some lube here and there and tamed a few squeaks and calmed the wild mis-shifts that embarrassed you in front of your friends. You maintain your bike, your brother-in-law’s bike, your neighbor’s bike and the kids’ bikes from the neighborhood. Fueled with a few small successes and powered by the unlimited knowledge bestowed upon you by YouTube University and several forums you are now an expert mechanic. You can turn a wrench with the best of them…right?
Let me introduce you to an idea that may not have crossed your mind: You can’t.
Before you take offense, lend me your ear and I will try to help you to comprehend the vastness of all that you don’t know. As a professional mechanic of 12 years, I would like to introduce you to the subject of bicycle maintenance repair from the point of view of the greasy handed elitists who you have come to defy and will avoid paying at all costs.
Every morning I wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed and go to work; just like you. When I get to work, however, I am greeted by the aroma of tires and a spacious shop filled with expensive specialty tools and all manner of bikes. From the wobbly beginners’ bike to the bike you wish you had but probably never will, I work on them all, every day. Your hobby is my bread and butter.
I have installed thousands upon thousands of tires and tubes and threaded countless cables through more shifters and brake levers than you can begin to imagine. I have turned a million spoke nipples and skillfully negotiated the careful equilibrium of the perfectly trued wheel more times that you have tied your shoes. I remember to meticulously check the tension of every nut and bolt on your bike with precisely calibrated torque wrenches: a thought that you wish had occurred to you and a tool you wish you had. I wrap handlebars with confidence and great care so that the tape overlaps with an even, artful twist and tightens as you grip it instead of unraveling after your first few rides. I obsessively position every component just as it ought to be because every bike deserves to be in tip top shape and it is my livelihood to make it so.
I know you think you understand how your bike works. How hard could it be right? There is nothing hidden. Your bicycle sits before you baring all and yet you could take your bike to your neighborhood shop right now and they could find a thousand things wrong with it and just as many ways to charge you in order to fix it. There is a reason for that and the explanation is on its way.
It has taken me years to hone the skills involved in my craft. I can hear when your rear derailleur hanger is out of alignment by a degree or two and that has only come after listening to thousands of derailleurs ticking away in my work stand. You may as well be stone deaf when it comes to that. I know that dropping your front derailleur a millimeter or so and twisting it out just a hair will help it decisively slam and lock your chain to the big ring in the blink of an eye. You might as well be trying to pilot a spacecraft through an asteroid field with a blindfold on. The mechanics at your local shop have paid the price for the precious knowledge which you have supposed could come so easily. Rather than beleaguer you with further examples of how I am right and you are wrong, I will endeavor to make the process of outsourcing the sacred task of maintaining your bike a smooth and painless one.
Bridging The Gap
Successfully communicating with your local mechanics will be key to finding happiness in this process. Mechanics are a fickle bunch and if you haven’t figured it out by reading thus far, some of us might be a tad egotistical and maybe a touch insecure. I will do my best to set you up for success as you repent and and take your bike in for its first much needed, legitimate service.
First, take everything that you have come to know about working on bikes and stick it in your pocket. Mechanics know how to work on bikes and they don’t care much for hearing what you think it entails. From the moment the mechanic lays eyes on your bike, seeing your terrible attempt at wrapping bars, your grossly over lubed drivetrain or the hack job that you did running and ugly web of too long or too short cables and housing all over your bike, he will know, and it will go without saying, what it is that you have been up to. Don’t be too proud of your work because it will only result in heartbreak.
Second, bear in mind that time and expertise are never on closeout and it will cost you to have the pros lay their hands on your beloved bike and resuscitate it to full health. It will be important for your mental well-being to consult with your cohorts and settle on a mechanic that everyone can agree bills repair work fairly and is worth the money that you’ll spend. Since you have been maintaining your bike, you have been letting basic things go through the cracks. The mechanic will want to fix all of these before you get your bike back so your first visit could cost a small fortune. Take heart though, because once this is out of the way, subsequent visits will consist of simple adjustments mainly and will be relatively inexpensive.
Thirdly and most importantly, be kind. I provide whatever service is due to every customer based on what they pay, even if they treat me like scum. For the nice customer however, I always go above and beyond. As the owner of my shop always says, “It is nice to be nice to the nice”. Kindness is currency but even more importantly, currency is currency. A little gratuity goes a long long way at the bike shop. Cash or beer are customary.
Taking your bike to the shop can be a hard step for the committed and self-assured home mechanic. Before the sum of what you don’t know piles up and results in your untimely mid-club-ride death, consider my words and come to the light! Hang up your mail order toy toolset and take your bike to the pros. You deserve it. Your bike deserves it. A-Merckx.
@gravity bob
That’s fine, but you should slaughter your own meat.
@Chris
Road bikes are a relatively small proportion of the work that gets done in an LBS. Bread and butter is commuting bikes ridden a lot and cared for very little, and Sunday rides for people who want a bike to ride on sunny days and are surprised when it doesnt’ work.
The time consuming ones are mountain bikes, with suspension servicing – consider that there are a number of fork, shock, brake and component companies that are hell bent on changing their products every five minutes.Im sure you could service a Cannondale lefty fork, but doing it in a way that makes money for yourself and/or the shop is a different story. The easy money is in fixing up shit that people have tried to do at home, while the tricky stuff is customers wanting to change their set up because they can – for instance setting up a single ring set up with FSA afterburner cranks with aftermarket rings, or lightening Ksyriums by rebuilding with different spokes.
When I worked with Bretto in WGTN I had a customer who insisted on speaking German to me who wanted a 40 spoke touring wheel built with wheelchair spokes (DTSWiss Alpine 3) and a white industries tandem hub. When preteen twats use the acronym “FML” I get all nostalgic about that guy.
It’s not rocket science but there’s more to wrenching than road bikes, which are relatively simple.
@ChrisO I didn’t see a tool for that in the Park catalog…
@Marko
That’s the classic “two turns past stripped, back it off half a turn” No torque wrench? There could be a slight hint of delamination within the lay ups. Some carbon repair guys use a ultrasound machine to check the carbon layers.
If living dangerously, measure the crack now and after a few rides. If the crack lengthens, time for repair/replacement.
@sthilzy I use a torgue wrench. I think it’s just fatigued. I’ve had consistent problems with seat pins and this bike. First there was the Orchilles pin, then I put a Alu one in and that got warped some how (fucking weird seeing an alu pin get pinch marks), now this. Strangely, each new pin I’ve put in has had a different tolerance. I had a carbon cyrano that was too small, an FSA and Easton that fit but broke, a ProVibe alu that warped, and now this alu cyrano that was tight. It’s a flawed design.
I’ll measure some cracks by putting some marks on with a sharpie. Then again, the VMH and I are having the twins ultrasounded next week. Maybe our doc is a velominata and wouldn’t mind scoping the frame for me.
This has to be a joke so i wanted to put some humour back in to it.
You have trued more wheels than times i have tied my shoelaces?
I am 31, I have tied my shoelaces on average twice a day, everyday for the last 26 years…
So – That’s an average of 730 times a year.
730 X 26 = 18980
I have tied my shoelaces 18980 times in my lifetime. so far. At 60 Years old this figure will have increased to 40150 times.
It is not possible by any stretch of the imagination you have trued this many wheels.
Basically, like some mechanics i have met before – You took a sharp intake of breath, exhaled slowly and made something up. Insufferable, egotistical mad man.
Spaceship, asteroids, front derailleur??? Are you on the EPO?
Why would i let someone with this mentality touch my bike, complacent, cocky and so full of your own self importance it’s unlikely you would give customers bikes the attention it deserves.
I will keep replacing my own tubes, and tuning my own gears (a job completed six monthly to be safe) and go to a bike shop with problems i am unable to fix. Where I will have to trust that someone like you will make the best job of it possible.
SPACESHIP, ASTEROID BELT, BLINDFOLD…
ACE :)
@Marko
I would bring in the frame and ask as straight faced as I could. Maybe some liquid Belgian persuasion.
There’s nothing quite like a two-wheeled grease monkey who overstates his ability compared to others to repel me from crossing the threshold of any bike shop (unless it’s a warranty issue) to get any spannering done. With the probable exception of Di2(!) bicycles are pretty basic: you don’t need to be a PhD Engineer to figure it out: push/pull lever one end – bit moves commensurate amount at the other end, adjust tension to make it move where it supposed to – how hard is that? Yes, I do have a torque wrench and know how to use it …something else not especially hard. I admit to having a good mate who handles wheelbuilding (in exchange for beer, naturally). So, to sum up: would I take my trusty steed to a spotty teenage bike shop mechanic who spends 99% of his time tinkering with £99 wonders to do something I can happily and confidently do myself? -no thanks. Of course, if you really haven’t got a fucking clue then leave it to the spotty kid in the bike shop. May Merckx have mercy on you soul.
@ChrisO
Well, you should, once or twice anyway, just for the hell of it.
I’m fairly big on the division of labor–we get a lot of cool stuff out of it. But even Adam Smith, somewhere in The Wealth of Nations, says that ultimately it makes us idiot pinheads who can’t even wipe our own asses without assistance from trained and accredited ass-wipe consultants.
Well said. I couldn’t agree more. A tray of beer at Xmas goes a long way..!
Talking of gumption depletion, had quite a non ride this morning. Out with Mrs Mersault, planning on 25kms or so, as she is just starting out cycling. At furthest point on the loop get a puncture, 2mm glass shard on the cycle path. Remove glass, check for anything else sharp, then replace tube and (mini) pump. Five seconds later puncture. Remove tube, patch with Lezyne sticky. Put back together and pump, looking good! Unscrew Lezyne mini pump flex hose. Whoosh! All the air goes. The part of Presta valve that can unscrew does. Put back together pump. Five seconds later puncture. Obscenities now audible in next county. Use last sticky and pump again. Now whenever I have pumped to reasonable pressure, the top part of valve will not lock, no matter how hard I hand tighten. Argh!! Four mile walk home in the cleats, as I don’t really want to disturb anyone with a phone call on Sunday am.
Once back home, allow three hours to restore gumption, and all is now repaired and good, including replacement cleats. I have no idea what the moral is, and sorry for a boring story, but I had to tell somebody. Thanks for reading.
@meursault Yes I’ve had that happen with valve cores and Lezyne pumps – it’s one of the drawback to the screw-o hose system, if the core is not screwed in very tight, and you don’t really know until it happens.
@ChrisO
The first thing you should do with a valve core is take it out, put on some plumber’s tape, and reinsert it tightly. It will never happen again.
If you were a pro mechanic you would know that.
@James
Brilliant!!
@frank
Another method that I’ve had success with is Loctite.
With regard to the Lezyne pump removing the valve, the trick is to unscrew the adapter head off the pump line, to release the pressure, before removing it from the valve, its the pressure in the line from the pump that binds the valve core to the adapter
Lezyne now offer a replacement adapter head with a built in pressure release for their older pumps as its such a common problem.
@mike Mine still does it even with the built in pressure release. Super frustrating in those hurried last few minutes before a ride. Plumbers tape/Loctite it is.
@xyxax
The valve core escape scenario is especially annoying/soul destroying when it strikes in the middle of of gluing tubulars – you’ve mounted the tubular, add some more air to get it seated nicely before filling it too maximum pressure.
I didn’t need to do that more than once to start using loctite.
@meursault
Happened to me in spookily similar circumstances on Thursday – bent the valve core clean off with my Lezyne Flex hose – thanks to @Upthetrossachs for the spare.
@the Engine
try not to unscrew the valve all the way; 1/2 is plenty to inflate and won’t bend that shit.
If you were a Pro Mechanic you would know that.
@frank
The LBS compare me unfavourably to the Muppets when it comes to my wrenching skills and I am under strict instructions not to fuck with #1 bike – #2 I have some leeway with
@the Engine
Forgive me, but “inflating your tires” does not constitute “wrenching”.
If you were a Pro Mechanic, you would know this.
@frank
No – but I’d submit that “putting on your tyres the right way round” is wrenching knowledge that must be learned the hard way
@Chris
So painful. Is this listed as a specific cause of apoplectic stroke and bent rims?
If I were a Pro Mechanic, I would know this.
@paolo
You could only be New Money to talk like that. So very vulgar.
@Marko
Is that a euphemism for dirty sex talk or are you really having twin Carlsons? But haven’t you been on a kayak for the last six months? errr…ahem…awkward silence…brilliant day, whot?
@Gianni
yes
@gravity bob You don’t have to rely on your dinner to hold together while descending at break-neck speeds.
You may keep cooking your own meals… unless you are eating puffer fish, then leave the preparation to a pro.
@prowrench
You’re obviously not doing dinner right.
@James Lets do the math just for kicks…
I work 52 5-day weeks a year give or take a few days for overtime or vacation. I tune 10-15 bikes a day from spring to the end of summer and sometimes much more and in the winter it tapers a bit. Lets say I average 10 bikes a working day year round multiplied by 2 wheel trues… multiplied by 12 years.
Do some math and you’ll see that I am not off base here. I really do true wheels more than you have tied your shoes.
@prowrench I usually only tie my shoe when I first buy them.
@prowrench
Ha! Knew you’d blow your cover eventually, 52 weeks my arse, only those of us who own a hospitality business do those kind of hours and we don’t get the weekends either, I bet you don’t true both wheels on half the bikes you service everyday so my maths puts you around a mere 20 thousand wheels! I love my bike mechanic, I always take my bike in clean and apologise for its filthy state, I deliver coffee and gift beer at appropriate times, servicing is where your LBS can make a living go on give it to ’em they deserve it.
@piwakawaka
I don’t think it was meant literally anyway… obviously it refers to any wheel-based activity.
@ChrisO
It’s like any trade, they all want you to think it is rocket science, the real skill lies in working on 10-15 bikes a day and moving seamlessly from high end to retro cool to kids and back giving each the benefit of knowledge AND experience, most people can do all sorts of stuff, but it will take longer and perhaps may not be quite as well done, throwing out the safety line is a classic better leave it to the experts tactic.
@piwakawaka
It was a joke, Joyce…
I think the obvious lesson here is there are good mechanics, there are bad mechanics.
The problem I often find with high-end bike shops is they can be a bit like the guitar shops I used to go in back in the day, for some reason the staff thought they were above me ‘cos they work in a guitar shop.
If you get the wrong feeling about a shop then give it a wide berth and move on to the next one. It’s like anything, you’ve got to try them out until you find a good one, just don’t give them your best bike to start with!
I’d like to think that no mechanic would do what I did when I built my De Rosa, I tried fitting the BB at midnight over the Christmas hols after several rather large Gin and Tonics.
I didn’t realise the downtube was fouling on the bike stand at the time, next morning I spotted the inch long, deep scratch right through the logo.
I cried that day for the first time since my daughter was born…
Stay safe!
I’ve spent so many years wearing shoes with Boa closure systems I’m now unable to tie my own shoe laces. A professional bike mechanic warned me off buying some new Giro shoes with laces on the grounds they may be too complicated for me to adjust.
@minion
Which makes it even more disappointing when work is carried out poorly.
@Chris
I spent yesterday morning re-cabling my bike. One of my shifters got rather out of shape a few weeks ago when my son and I managed to end up in a heap on the road and I’d decided that it was a good opportunity to refresh the bar tape and cables.
Before I’d finished the job though I got told that I would have to spend some time with the family so I had to put it away before I’d tuned the gears up. The kids elected for a bike ride which meant that I chased the faster two on my BMX for 45 minutes. My youngest then decided that his bike was too small and took off on my bike leaving me to finish on foot.
Anyway, later that evening I got back into the garage to finish the job off. My two pedalwan learners came with me and started asking lots of questions. Explaining that the first task would be to check the alignment and adjustment of the front dérailleur against the chain rings, I rotated the cranks at which point we all noticed that the big ring was rather wavy to the point that one of the chain ring bolts had popped out.
It means that I’m unlikely to have a chance to get a replacement chain ring and finish the job before going to France next Monday so the new bike shop will get it’s chance to impress.
@Velocitractor
Similarly i tried to install ultratorque cups on my rain frame without realising campag had moved to powertorque….no harm done but plenty of expletives whilst consuming post ride recovery beverages!
I talk to my mechanic. He guides me. He will not let me falter. I seldom make any adjustments without his advice. I always ask. After having taken his basics class, if heading into untried waters, he give me good advice. Sometimes that advice is “Leave your bike here.”
Our mechanic, who art in back,
Rust-free be thy wrench.
Thy shop is clean.
Thy tips be done in basement as in shop.
Teach us this day our daily lube
And forgive us our wrenching
As we forgive those who over-wrench at home.
And lead us not into over confidence
But deliver us from WD40.
For thine is the shop bench, the knowledge and the tools
now and forever. Amen
@ChrisO
Blessed be the wheelmakers……
( its a shame you had to spoil the joke by explaining it to a numpty)
I’ve done things. Dumb things. Things I’d rather not discuss.
I also got my new bike back from its 30-day tune-up (at a premier shop in Portland) with the asymmetric chain on wrong side out and with a loose headset. A noticeably loose headset. The service manager was quite responsive, but still. Somebody was wrenching stoned.
Man, this article reminds me of the time I did some part time wrenching in a bike shop in Terre Haute. A woman bought a POS from an outfit called Service Merchandise where it had been loving assembled by monkeys with only an adjustable spanner on hand. She suspected it wasn’t right and seemed offended when I told her how much it would cost to get her bike fixed. I think when I used the phrase “you have been sold a death trap” might have worried her. (Headset loose, brake pads not hitting the rims and a host of other issues were obvious.) Amazing how it could actually be sold to be honest.
The advice I always gave when a mom or dad brought the bike that the kid had worked on in – “Hide the ViceGrips and WD-40.”
One of my favorites though was when a customer brought in a bike with a flat;
“I just bought a brand new tube from you and it’s already flat.”
“Did you make sure that what ever made it flat in the first place wasn’t still in the tire?”
You silently smile to yourself as you see “realization” slowly creep into their brains and yet they always say “Yes.”
Well said. That hit on all the important parts.
@mike
Just to be clear – you are saying leave the hose attached to the pump itself but screw the head off the hose, leaving it on the tube valve, then remove it separately?
Plumbers tape. Do you mean around the removable core then screwing it back in? Or just around the outside of the valve stem?
I am not a pro mechanic.
I always get a good laugh when I’m out cycling and a car goes by making an assortment of sounds which it should not be making. Damn, if the bicycle is not Silent, I try to sort it out immediately. I would never, ever drive some road unworthy cars people pilot around. I guess they do have that whole metal box thing to protect them from pavement, but some sound as if they might explode at any moment.
@Wold Man Actually Di2 adjusts itself ;0)
As a professional mechanic myself, I can see where @prowrench is coming from. I work on aircraft for a living- can’t pull over on a cloud if something breaks- so I know a thing or 2 about precision and doing things right. However, to talk down to someone who tried something and failed-even if they didn’t know it yet, is wrong. In fact, it should be rejoiced. If everyone did everything correctly, you would soon be out of a job. And you have to admit, doing tune-ups all day everyday would get very boring if you didn’t go “WTF?!” atleast once a week. And lets not forget, you too, were once inexperienced and clueless.
“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” Arthur Clark.
The same Pro bike mechanic that looks down at his clients attempts at being self-sufficient will at some point bring his car to me for service and I will get to listen to him go on about what he did or did not do and what he thinks is wrong with his car. He might also call me to repair the HVAC system on his house or install a roll cage in his race car. I am a paid Pro in the above trades as well as in welding and machining.
For every well trained seasoned bike mechanic there are at least 3 fresh faced scrubby chinned guys that are doing the job for the love of cycling or the love of money or a mix of both. Does anyone strive to achieve a career as a bike shop mechanic? I would bet that few do as it pays little. One reason it pays little is the fact that most of the work is quite simple to do and can be mastered without many years of training or elite intellect. Sure there are some more complex tasks such as shock rebuilds and the like but the vast majority of the work is stone simple work for any reasonably handy person with some basic training and the tools needed. SOP for most independent shops is a skilled shop owner will hire a bike loving young guy or gal and train them. The budding mechanic learns on client bikes not at some school for pro bike repair. Just as some Pro shop mechanics are not tops in their craft some of us that visit the LBS to purchase a bike or parts for said bike are not stupid ham fisted hammer swingers. Some of us spend the time to learn the systems of the bike they ride and maintain them well. These are the people the Pro wrenches don’t see much. We are riding, wrenching and purchasing the odd part from time to time. I have had every system on my road bike apart for service and after 8500 kilometers it works better than they day I took it home. When I purchase a set of derailleur cables and don’t ask how to install them I don’t need to be told they are hard to install and I should bring the bike in before I work on it. I don’t go around spouting off that the Pro wrench work assembling and testing my bike was lacking. It was and I somewhat expected to be. The Pro putting it together was unboxing and assembling bike #4 of the 6 or so he had to do that day. My focus is on one bike the one I bought, his on many things.
Just as the clients come in all forms so do mechanics. The difference is the client is paying for a service, not to be talked down to or have his bike languish for a lack of a “relationship with the shop”.
Just as you can laugh and shake your head at what bike shop clients do to their bikes, some of us can laugh and shake our heads at what bike shop mechanics do. But we don’t. Well, some of us don’t. Skip that, we do laugh but we don’t go spouting off allover about it.
Rule #43 applies to all.
Wiscot, I am sorry to hear you lived in Terre Haute at one time. Seeing as how you were employed, you were not doing time at the federal penitentiary, I’m guessing. Did you work at TH Cycling at 7th & Springhill? I myself only escaped there 5 or so years ago after 18 years of exile (job, you know). Glad you made it out alive!