Categories: Guest Article

Guest Article: What You Don’t Know Will Eventually Kill You

Indian Bicycle Mechanic. photo: Sue Darlow

@prowrench is throwing down the greasy gauntlet. There is truth in his words. We already understand the gap between the professional cyclist and us civilians extends somewhere over the horizon. We can ride the bikes, wear nice kit and ride the race routes but that’s about as close as we can get. No one is paying us to ride. We are not Pros. But we can work on our own bikes can’t we?

Please also see the required supplemental reading, All You Bike Pricks.

VLVV, Gianni

You got a new bike a few years ago and something magical happened. You realized that when your legs aren’t languishing under a desk at the office or basking under the blue glare of the television that, by some unknown miracle, they can propel you to astounding speeds on your bicycle. You took heart, rode some more and you got quick. You joined a club, subscribed to every magazine and every blog, you learned The Rules and quickly ascended to the ranks of the initiated cyclist. Good for you!

You, the tinkerer, are one savvy fellow. You have examined the simple steed beneath you and with your god given mechanical prowess turned a few screws, fiddled with some barrel adjusters, squirted some lube here and there and tamed a few squeaks and calmed the wild mis-shifts that embarrassed you in front of your friends. You maintain your bike, your brother-in-law’s bike, your neighbor’s bike and the kids’ bikes from the neighborhood. Fueled with a few small successes and powered by the unlimited knowledge bestowed upon you by YouTube University and several forums you are now an expert mechanic. You can turn a wrench with the best of them…right?

Let me introduce you to an idea that may not have crossed your mind: You can’t.

Before you take offense, lend me your ear and I will try to help you to comprehend the vastness of all that you don’t know. As a professional mechanic of 12 years, I would like to introduce you to the subject of bicycle maintenance repair from the point of view of the greasy handed elitists who you have come to defy and will avoid paying at all costs.

Every morning I wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed and go to work; just like you. When I get to work, however, I am greeted by the aroma of tires and a spacious shop filled with expensive specialty tools and all manner of bikes. From the wobbly beginners’ bike to the bike you wish you had but probably never will, I work on them all, every day. Your hobby is my bread and butter.

I have installed thousands upon thousands of tires and tubes and threaded countless cables through more shifters and brake levers than you can begin to imagine. I have turned a million spoke nipples and skillfully negotiated the careful equilibrium of the perfectly trued wheel more times that you have tied your shoes. I remember to meticulously check the tension of every nut and bolt on your bike with precisely calibrated torque wrenches: a thought that you wish had occurred to you and a tool you wish you had. I wrap handlebars with confidence and great care so that the tape overlaps with an even, artful twist and tightens as you grip it instead of unraveling after your first few rides. I obsessively position every component just as it ought to be because every bike deserves to be in tip top shape and it is my livelihood to make it so.

I know you think you understand how your bike works. How hard could it be right? There is nothing hidden. Your bicycle sits before you baring all and yet you could take your bike to your neighborhood shop right now and they could find a thousand things wrong with it and just as many ways to charge you in order to fix it. There is a reason for that and the explanation is on its way.

It has taken me years to hone the skills involved in my craft. I can hear when your rear derailleur hanger is out of alignment by a degree or two and that has only come after listening to thousands of derailleurs ticking away in my work stand. You may as well be stone deaf when it comes to that. I know that dropping your front derailleur a millimeter or so and twisting it out just a hair will help it decisively slam and lock your chain to the big ring in the blink of an eye. You might as well be trying to pilot a spacecraft through an asteroid field with a blindfold on. The mechanics at your local shop have paid the price for the precious knowledge which you have supposed could come so easily. Rather than beleaguer you with further examples of how I am right and you are wrong, I will endeavor to make the process of outsourcing the sacred task of maintaining your bike a smooth and painless one.

Bridging The Gap

Successfully communicating with your local mechanics will be key to finding happiness in this process. Mechanics are a fickle bunch and if you haven’t figured it out by reading thus far, some of us might be a tad egotistical and maybe a touch insecure. I will do my best to set you up for success as you repent and and take your bike in for its first much needed, legitimate service.

First, take everything that you have come to know about working on bikes and stick it in your pocket. Mechanics know how to work on bikes and they don’t care much for hearing what you think it entails. From the moment the mechanic lays eyes on your bike, seeing your terrible attempt at wrapping bars, your grossly over lubed drivetrain or the hack job that you did running and ugly web of too long or too short cables and housing all over your bike, he will know, and it will go without saying, what it is that you have been up to. Don’t be too proud of your work because it will only result in heartbreak.

Second, bear in mind that time and expertise are never on closeout and it will cost you to have the pros lay their hands on your beloved bike and resuscitate it to full health. It will be important for your mental well-being to consult with your cohorts and settle on a mechanic that everyone can agree bills repair work fairly and is worth the money that you’ll spend. Since you have been maintaining your bike, you have been letting basic things go through the cracks. The mechanic will want to fix all of these before you get your bike back so your first visit could cost a small fortune. Take heart though, because once this is out of the way, subsequent visits will consist of simple adjustments mainly and will be relatively inexpensive.

Thirdly and most importantly, be kind. I provide whatever service is due to every customer based on what they pay, even if they treat me like scum. For the nice customer however, I always go above and beyond. As the owner of my shop always says, “It is nice to be nice to the nice”. Kindness is currency but even more importantly, currency is currency. A little gratuity goes a long long way at the bike shop. Cash or beer are customary.

Taking your bike to the shop can be a hard step for the committed and self-assured home mechanic. Before the sum of what you don’t know piles up and results in your untimely mid-club-ride death, consider my words and come to the light! Hang up your mail order toy toolset and take your bike to the pros. You deserve it. Your bike deserves it. A-Merckx.

prowrench

I have been on bikes my whole life. I used to ride cross country mountain bikes until about 6 years ago when I fell head-over-heals in love with road cycling. I have worked in bicycle shops for around 10 years now as a mechanic and I love working on bicycles as much as I like to ride them.

View Comments

  • Also, if you're scared of carbon or BB30 or whatever, then you shouldn't be riding it. Harrumph.

  • @Marko

    So I'm inflating my tyres for the first ride of the season and I notice these cracks in the integrated seatmast clamp on my BMC. What I do know is they are there. What I don't know is if they will eventually kill me. I'd like to at least get a few more months out of the bike before replacing the frame. There is a crack on each side of the clamp. Any thoughts?

     
     

     

     
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     Marko - you do not need to be riding that frame until it's been evaluated by someone more qualified than those that lurk here.
    And after seeing you standing on the side of the pavé there in France, I figured you'd be a bit more leary of riding broken stuff.
  • @Marko

    @Bill Yeah but look how much material is still left there. C'mon man, let me live dangerously.

    You have for the past 60 days.  And came home to a complete home

  • @Marko

    So I'm inflating my tyres for the first ride of the season and I notice these cracks in the integrated seatmast clamp on my BMC. What I do know is they are there. What I don't know is if they will eventually kill me. I'd like to at least get a few more months out of the bike before replacing the frame. There is a crack on each side of the clamp. Any thoughts?

    I've decided to sit this post out. However, while it appears there is "a lot of material there", it's right up next to the spit for the seat post. Totally agree with @Bill. Don't make a decision based on a couple of photos and the opinions of a bunch of jackholes that must be drunk on a Friday night. (welcome back. Jealous of your adventure).

  • An interesting perspective, but one I am afraid I don't agree with.  The article basically touts the attitude "give up hope and give it to your local wrencher".

    Personally I would say, try all you can, youtube, look on blogs and websites, hey even do that old fashioned thing of speaking to a friend or your local cycling club (if you are a member!)...GIVE IT A GO!  Only by attempting, failing and doing it again do we learn.

    If you get stuck, then by all means take it to your local trustworthy mechanic and ask for his help.  When the bill arrives and it is the size of the GDP of a small nation, smile sweetly and say thank you in the knowledge that he has just helped you out of a hole you got yourself in to.

    But NEVER just take it to your mechanic at the first sign of a challenge.  That is a sure path to a lighter wallet and a lifetime of ignorance and that, sadly, is the same path of those who take their bikes to the LBS for a tyre change....

  • Yarp. Shock horror but most LBS customers don't give that much of a shit about their bikes and just want to fork over notes to fix it. The commentators on this thread do fall into two categories, one are the good customers who, even if they don't buy much or anything, you dont' mind serving because they know a bit but they're aware they don't know everything, and don't mind listening to someone else before deciding if they're right or not.

    The others are fucking engineers. Or they think they are. I had a gentleman trying to explain to me that Shimano should use a corkscrew - like drum inside their shifters to wind the cable around so there would be even tension on the cable, and all the cable strands would be under the same tension, rather than a few strands on the inside bend of the cable taking the majority of the strain which was his key complaint. He had an 8 speed drive train that he'd owned since new and, if Shimano had fixed this issue, he wouldn't have to replace his cables every 2 years. I didn't have the heart to tell him, I couldn't give a flying fuck about his stupid idea and that it would be a massive pain in the hole for a bunch of different reasons, and that gear cables are pretty overbuilt for the relatively small amount of strain they are under.

    Additionally, we were inside and didn't take his sunglasses off for the 8 minutes it took to explain his retarded concept. If you do that I'm going to assume you're a syphillitic deviant and the only thing I'm thinking of doing while you talk is waterblasting you out of the door.

  • @Marko Get it checked out ASAP, in my experience cracks in the paint mean cracks in the frame.

    Generally, many good points made in the article and by the posters.  I did find it a bit condescending though.  I love to work on my bike and can take on nearly all bike related tasks competently.  My bike never drops the chain while my riding partner's often does it twice in a ride and his is maintained at the LBS.  I do support them though, bought my latest bike there and I know they are good mechanics, they just don't have the same time available that I can put into working on my bike.

    Of course, some people just aren't suited to some tasks, we live in communities and need each other at some point.

  • Re the BMC seatpost. Rule 5. Go to your local hardware store and find the right size hose clamp. Apply it yourself, or pay a mechanic if you must. Eddy would.

    Re the warranty, that's why they put the torque setting on the post. 5 for the upper bolt, 8 for the lower. It's so they can blame you for tightening it too much, and knock your claim back. Disappointingly cynical, but it's a sad fact of retail life for most.

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