Categories: Breaking The RulesKitLa Vie VelominatusLook ProMusings from the V-Bunker

On Rule #28: The Case for Black Socks

The case for black socks...and orange patent leather shoes.

[rule number=28/]

Science has proven that people who wear crazy socks are smarter than those boring snooze factories who wear simple plain socks. I know the data supporting the claims is legitimate because I read it on LinkedIn. Also, when I say “read”, I mean that I glanced briefly at the title while simultaneously performing several other critical activities like checking YouTube for videos of uncoordinated animals and what the weather is like on Mars.

Rule #28 stands out amongst the others as a particularly vague swan for the reasons outlined in the above article, which I assume are that in a world of limited and regimented acceptable conventions in gender style choices, socks present an opportunity to fly our Freak Flag and throw in a few pieces of flair without upsetting the boss, partner, or parents. Even though every Velominatus, the most dedicated and elite of the Cycling Aesthetes, holds white socks in the highest regard, there should always be room for other choices within the Cyclist’s daily style program.

Despite the implication on my intelligence, my own sock choice is rather understated and dictated in part by the employment of the Orange Damsels – my beloved custom orange patent-leather Bont Vaypors. These shoes already make a bit of a statement themselves, so my sock choice needs to be solid and carefully coordinated in order to avoid a conflict between my ankle and foot decorum. For instance, the orange hi-vis DeFeets I ride on the road in bad weather don’t quite match the orange of my shoes, pulling the choke on the ol’ OCD engine. I have therefore allowed myself to wear socks in any color so long as they are either black or white.

The case for white socks is already clear and does not need to be revisited. The case for black socks, however, begins with the principles laid out by Rule #8, wherein the colors of satellite components should normally be matched to their nearest adjacent contact point on the frame. It then follows by extension that the same is true for kit: assuming the mandatory black bibs, black socks bridge the gap between them and whatever shoes you might be wearing. Much like matching the cuffs to the collars, matching the socks to the bibs to black provides a uniform platform from which to build your style program.

Go bold with the choice of socks if you must, but remember to always keep it classy. And, if in doubt, build a solid foundation of color from which to build.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Oli says:

Jun 22 2016 at 6:01 am

I'll only ever wear black socks.

Unless I'm wearing some white ones. Or my garish fluoro ones.
Buck Rogers says:

Jun 22 2016 at 6:27 am

@Steampunk

Look: it’s very simple, even for keepers with 46.5 IQ points (which, if we’re honest, is flattering Frank no end).

Black shoes. White socks. End of. Otherwise, what you’re really doing is drawing attention away from the bike (which must be pristine) and the guns (which must be magnificent).

Unless, of course, that is the ploy. Maybe Frank’s eyesore orange Bonts help us forget that his “guns” are only marginally thicker than a tent pole (black is also slimming: not a good look here). But just as we tend to our machine, so should we care for our physique to make our cycling aesthetic as fabulous as possible. There is no acceptable workaround. White socks. Only white. Ride harder.

Fer Fuck's Sake, Spot on Steamy!!!

Maybe this is a test of the true Velominati. A ploy in the sense that it is trying to draw people out of the black-sock-wearing closet and the non-black shoe wearing secret society.

What the fuck? White socks, black shoes. It's not that hard and it sure is fucking obvious.

Black socks ... what the fuck???
Buck Rogers says:

Jun 22 2016 at 7:41 am

Well, fuuuuck. Kind of ruins my rant when I post the wrong Big Lebowski quote!
KogaLover says:

Jun 22 2016 at 7:55 am

@John Liu

Contrariwise, white socks are suitable in only a few, tightly circumscribed, situations. With white linen and minty drinks; white tennis shoes and cropped grass; saddle shoes and poodle dresses; and, yes, gleaming guns and cleated shoes.

When wearing white socks under white tie outfit, during my initiation rite as a student, I was taught this important lesson that white socks have no place under a suit and I never wear them even at work or with slacks. I still remember me staring into the fire as I had to take off my white (Boss!) socks and throw them into the fire... But when cycling, white only, definitely.
Steampunk says:

Jun 22 2016 at 7:58 am

@brett

I earned those by abiding by Rule V.
Steampunk says:

Jun 22 2016 at 8:01 am

@Buck Rogers

Well, fuuuuck. Kind of ruins my rant when I post the wrong Big Lebowski quote!

That just made my day. Rant followed by random internet meme. We should make that a thing. Bad Frank! Bad article! Misleading cyclists everywhere. Black socks are for people who can't do laundry good.
Steampunk says:

Jun 22 2016 at 8:03 am

For what it's worth: I have a collection of SAKO 7 socks. But I only wear them for work. Never on the bike.
Steampunk says:

Jun 22 2016 at 8:06 am

I can't wait for Frank's next article: "8 Reasons Why Lance Can Totally Make a Comeback in 2017." I don't want to spoil it, but #7 will be black sock related.
wiscot says:

Jun 22 2016 at 9:40 am

I think a case should be made for not having shoes straps that double as aircraft wings. Or is this some kind of aerofoil to keep the wheels on the ground as Frank applies massive doses of V?

BTW, white socks. Always. The Tour of America's Dairyland was in my home town on Monday night. A lot of fine riders, awesome bikes, great racing, but too many poor sock choices on view.
Buck Rogers says:

Jun 22 2016 at 9:41 am

@Steampunk

Reminds me of the time when I was going through Medical Officer Basic Training in Texas and we were all sleeping in GP Medium tents and pulling guard duty out in the field.

We had this dentist who did not give a FUCK about anything Army but had a military scholarship to pay off so he was there as well. It was his turn at 0200 to pull guard duty but he slept through the first part. One of the Drill Instructors came in our tent just RAVING MAD and screaming at him. He gets up all bleary-eyed and stumbles off to pull guard duty. About 1 minute later we hear more mad screaming from another DI outside and then a few seconds later the dentist comes back in the tent, says, "Apparently we are supposed to take our rifles with us when we are on guard duty. Who knew?" and then stumbles back out again.

Loved that guy!