Categories: Breaking The RulesKitLa Vie VelominatusLook ProMusings from the V-Bunker

On Rule #28: The Case for Black Socks

The case for black socks...and orange patent leather shoes.

[rule number=28/]

Science has proven that people who wear crazy socks are smarter than those boring snooze factories who wear simple plain socks. I know the data supporting the claims is legitimate because I read it on LinkedIn. Also, when I say “read”, I mean that I glanced briefly at the title while simultaneously performing several other critical activities like checking YouTube for videos of uncoordinated animals and what the weather is like on Mars.

Rule #28 stands out amongst the others as a particularly vague swan for the reasons outlined in the above article, which I assume are that in a world of limited and regimented acceptable conventions in gender style choices, socks present an opportunity to fly our Freak Flag and throw in a few pieces of flair without upsetting the boss, partner, or parents. Even though every Velominatus, the most dedicated and elite of the Cycling Aesthetes, holds white socks in the highest regard, there should always be room for other choices within the Cyclist’s daily style program.

Despite the implication on my intelligence, my own sock choice is rather understated and dictated in part by the employment of the Orange Damsels – my beloved custom orange patent-leather Bont Vaypors. These shoes already make a bit of a statement themselves, so my sock choice needs to be solid and carefully coordinated in order to avoid a conflict between my ankle and foot decorum. For instance, the orange hi-vis DeFeets I ride on the road in bad weather don’t quite match the orange of my shoes, pulling the choke on the ol’ OCD engine. I have therefore allowed myself to wear socks in any color so long as they are either black or white.

The case for white socks is already clear and does not need to be revisited. The case for black socks, however, begins with the principles laid out by Rule #8, wherein the colors of satellite components should normally be matched to their nearest adjacent contact point on the frame. It then follows by extension that the same is true for kit: assuming the mandatory black bibs, black socks bridge the gap between them and whatever shoes you might be wearing. Much like matching the cuffs to the collars, matching the socks to the bibs to black provides a uniform platform from which to build your style program.

Go bold with the choice of socks if you must, but remember to always keep it classy. And, if in doubt, build a solid foundation of color from which to build.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

chris says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:02 pm

@Teocalli

Only time for black socks is winter Rule #9 conditions with full leggings where they can’t be seen.

I'd also argue that they be seen if worn with knee warmers.

But never with black shoes. Black shoes and black socks should only ever be worn with a suit. Do it on a bike and it looks like you've forgotten your trousers.

You might as well start wearing socks with your sandals.
frank says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:20 pm

@Steampunk

Look: it’s very simple, even for keepers with 46.5 IQ points (which, if we’re honest, is flattering Frank no end).

Black shoes. White socks. End of. Otherwise, what you’re really doing is drawing attention away from the bike (which must be pristine) and the guns (which must be magnificent).

Unless, of course, that is the ploy. Maybe Frank’s eyesore orange Bonts help us forget that his “guns” are only marginally thicker than a tent pole (black is also slimming: not a good look here). But just as we tend to our machine, so should we care for our physique to make our cycling aesthetic as fabulous as possible. There is no acceptable workaround. White socks. Only white. Ride harder.

This one lacks vision. Not surprising, but what is surprising to have this all emerging from the most ridiculous mustache ever conceived. Your avatar is too small so I went to your Facebook page to find this one, handsome.

You do bring up one point, even though you're still wrong even then:

black is also slimming: not a good look here

When you don't have calves, the slimming factor of the black socks makes them look less not-calvesey.
frank says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:22 pm

@ccunix

@Steampunk

No, black shoes/socks all the way (although my bad weather shoes are grey, but they were free – hence the bad weather).

Black/black gives a solid foundation to build upon. I will however accept matching such to jersey – if said jersey iinteresting – ie not black

The black shoes don't impact the foundation from a material perspective. The platform is solid irrespective of the shoe color:

Also note the front valve stem is even in the right position despite the fact that I'm moving (slowly).
frank says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:26 pm

@Steampunk

@brett

I earned those by abiding by Rule V.

My recollection of your application of Rule V was spinning out in a switchback, crashing, and walking the rest of the way up the hill.

To be fair, you may have switched to these shoes for the walk up, thereby building your impressive calves.
Steampunk says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:26 pm

@frank

Wow, man. Just: wow.
frank says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:29 pm

@Le Baz

Not sure if it’s just the angle Frank, but the toe section on those Bonts look seriously short and wide. Do you have webbed feet perchance?

The toe box on Bonts are wider than normal in order to let your toes spread out for a better application of V into the pedals. With the Vaypors, the velcro strap (which serve double-duty as a spoiler to keep the whole operation from leaving the ground once you really get the pistons humming, per @wiscot) starts very low on the toe box for better stability. The foot is held in place incredibly well without having to snug the straps down terribly.
frank says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:32 pm

@Steampunk

@frank

Wow, man. Just: wow.

I was being mean. Your design program is exquisite.
Steampunk says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:36 pm

Careful now: you're going to put your back out stooping so low. And then you'll be stuck staring at those black socks. And I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. That's seventh circle of hell aesthetics your hawking. Inappropes, dude. Inappropes. Socks should be white.
frank says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:40 pm

@Kay_Jay

You have 5 choices when it comes to socks…..

1,2,3,4 : white socks

5: who cares, you’re about to be dropped.

+1 badge goes to you, matey. Very strongly played.
Buck Rogers says:

Jun 22 2016 at 3:41 pm

@Kay_Jay

You have 5 choices when it comes to socks…..

1,2,3,4 : white socks

5: who cares, you’re about to be dropped.

Fucking Chapeau! Post of the day right there, Mate!