On Rule #28: The Case for Black Socks
[rule number=28/]
Science has proven that people who wear crazy socks are smarter than those boring snooze factories who wear simple plain socks. I know the data supporting the claims is legitimate because I read it on LinkedIn. Also, when I say “read”, I mean that I glanced briefly at the title while simultaneously performing several other critical activities like checking YouTube for videos of uncoordinated animals and what the weather is like on Mars.
Rule #28 stands out amongst the others as a particularly vague swan for the reasons outlined in the above article, which I assume are that in a world of limited and regimented acceptable conventions in gender style choices, socks present an opportunity to fly our Freak Flag and throw in a few pieces of flair without upsetting the boss, partner, or parents. Even though every Velominatus, the most dedicated and elite of the Cycling Aesthetes, holds white socks in the highest regard, there should always be room for other choices within the Cyclist’s daily style program.
Despite the implication on my intelligence, my own sock choice is rather understated and dictated in part by the employment of the Orange Damsels – my beloved custom orange patent-leather Bont Vaypors. These shoes already make a bit of a statement themselves, so my sock choice needs to be solid and carefully coordinated in order to avoid a conflict between my ankle and foot decorum. For instance, the orange hi-vis DeFeets I ride on the road in bad weather don’t quite match the orange of my shoes, pulling the choke on the ol’ OCD engine. I have therefore allowed myself to wear socks in any color so long as they are either black or white.
The case for white socks is already clear and does not need to be revisited. The case for black socks, however, begins with the principles laid out by Rule #8, wherein the colors of satellite components should normally be matched to their nearest adjacent contact point on the frame. It then follows by extension that the same is true for kit: assuming the mandatory black bibs, black socks bridge the gap between them and whatever shoes you might be wearing. Much like matching the cuffs to the collars, matching the socks to the bibs to black provides a uniform platform from which to build your style program.
Go bold with the choice of socks if you must, but remember to always keep it classy. And, if in doubt, build a solid foundation of color from which to build.
I have a couple of pairs of black socks, Wool-E-Ators, which I only wear in cooler weather. The only “white” socks are my V-Cog DeFeet which are not solely white. The remainder are striped, neon, and off the fashion charts. Although my favorites are my Lion of Flanders yellow, which match both jersey and frame.
Black or crazy logo/slogan are fine for gravel, cx, or MTB, but white only on the road for me.
Not sure if it’s just the angle Frank, but the toe section on those Bonts look seriously short and wide. Do you have webbed feet perchance?
ommygod. you actually did see that on LinkedIn. hilarious.
@Le Baz
He has flippers. But that photo makes the dogs look short and they aren’t. F-bomb and I share shoe size and IQ, both around 46.5. Bonts do have a wide toe box, they ain’t pretty but they are very comfortable for our toes. I’m a convert.
http://youtu.be/DDLpKrTVJKc
Look: it’s very simple, even for keepers with 46.5 IQ points (which, if we’re honest, is flattering Frank no end).
Black shoes. White socks. End of. Otherwise, what you’re really doing is drawing attention away from the bike (which must be pristine) and the guns (which must be magnificent).
Unless, of course, that is the ploy. Maybe Frank’s eyesore orange bonts help us forget that his “guns” are only marginally thicker than a tent pole (black is also slimming: not a good look here). But just as we tend to our machine, so should we care for our physique to make our cycling aesthetic as fabulous as possible. There is no acceptable workaround. White socks. Only white. Ride harder.
coloured socks, may as well go home when it rains.
For all articles of wardrobe, “little black _____” is always acceptable (or better), if you have the figure to pull it off. This is as true for socks as it is for dresses and bikinis.
Contrariwise, white socks are suitable in only a few, tightly circumscribed, situations. With white linen and minty drinks; white tennis shoes and cropped grass; saddle shoes and poodle dresses; and, yes, gleaming guns and cleated shoes.
If you insist on expressing your individuality via multi-hued or garishly patterned socks, then know that you have thrown down a challenge, as unwise as wearing a pink paisley headband to a Hells Angels ride. Best have the guns to back up the socks, and for V’s sake, harness those guns to a properly big gear. The worst sin is twiddling a puny gear inch in frilly yellow socks bearing a drooping, humiliated Lion of Flanders. Might as well don Birkenstocks and ride a recumbent.
Started wearing black socks around 93 or 94, when I was predominantly a mountain biker and white socks were just a stupid idea (as was wearing lycra, fluoro jerseys and 560mm bars). It was an article on Travis Brown that woke me to them, and also sculpted facial hair. Only the socks remain.
@Steampunk
That’s easy for you to say, Captain Calves.
@Steampunk
No, black shoes/socks all the way (although my bad weather shoes are grey, but they were free – hence the bad weather).
Black/black gives a solid foundation to build upon. I will however accept matching such to jersey – if said jersey iinteresting – ie not black
White shoes, white socks. And that is that.
I’ve got some red socks which match my kit and bike, but I just feel slow when I’m wearing them.
If I had a vintage number I’d go black shoes, black socks. But I don’t.
@RobSandy
Vintage number is assuredly Black shoes and White socks.
I was always black shoes and either black or white socks, even before I knew of the existence of this site and The Rules. Recently I bought a pair of bright orange Sidis, probably subconsciously inspired by Franks Bonts.
Climbing Mont Ventoux out of the trees in thick mist last week I was told that my wee blinking rear red light and orange shoes spinning round in the murk were the first things, maybe the only things that were visible.
Pic 1 from the lower slopes of Ventoux pre mist, it was a club kit day. 2nd pic from Alpe D’Huez/ Col de Sarenne a few days before
@Teocalli
We’re not savages…
I am of the firm opinion that ones shoes should be black. Socks I am a little more open on. Not fluro, though. Never fluro.
But then again I do wear Fizik MB5s whilst atop my road bike, so what the fuck do I know?
M3B. Hells bells I can’t even name my gear… What a travesty of man that is dinosaurJR…
velOCDminati…
Like my black sock/white Giro combo,seen here on the Tour of Cambridgeshire;
I know it’s classic but not really a fan of white socks,always reminds me of these two;
I’ll only ever wear black socks.
Unless I’m wearing some white ones. Or my garish fluoro ones.
@Steampunk
Fer Fuck’s Sake, Spot on Steamy!!!
Maybe this is a test of the true Velominati. A ploy in the sense that it is trying to draw people out of the black-sock-wearing closet and the non-black shoe wearing secret society.
What the fuck? White socks, black shoes. It’s not that hard and it sure is fucking obvious.
Black socks … what the fuck???
Well, fuuuuck. Kind of ruins my rant when I post the wrong Big Lebowski quote!
@John Liu
When wearing white socks under white tie outfit, during my initiation rite as a student, I was taught this important lesson that white socks have no place under a suit and I never wear them even at work or with slacks. I still remember me staring into the fire as I had to take off my white (Boss!) socks and throw them into the fire… But when cycling, white only, definitely.
@brett
I earned those by abiding by Rule V.
@Buck Rogers
That just made my day. Rant followed by random internet meme. We should make that a thing. Bad Frank! Bad article! Misleading cyclists everywhere. Black socks are for people who can’t do laundry good.
For what it’s worth: I have a collection of SAKO 7 socks. But I only wear them for work. Never on the bike.
I can’t wait for Frank’s next article: “8 Reasons Why Lance Can Totally Make a Comeback in 2017.” I don’t want to spoil it, but #7 will be black sock related.
I think a case should be made for not having shoes straps that double as aircraft wings. Or is this some kind of aerofoil to keep the wheels on the ground as Frank applies massive doses of V?
BTW, white socks. Always. The Tour of America’s Dairyland was in my home town on Monday night. A lot of fine riders, awesome bikes, great racing, but too many poor sock choices on view.
@Steampunk
Reminds me of the time when I was going through Medical Officer Basic Training in Texas and we were all sleeping in GP Medium tents and pulling guard duty out in the field.
We had this dentist who did not give a FUCK about anything Army but had a military scholarship to pay off so he was there as well. It was his turn at 0200 to pull guard duty but he slept through the first part. One of the Drill Instructors came in our tent just RAVING MAD and screaming at him. He gets up all bleary-eyed and stumbles off to pull guard duty. About 1 minute later we hear more mad screaming from another DI outside and then a few seconds later the dentist comes back in the tent, says, “Apparently we are supposed to take our rifles with us when we are on guard duty. Who knew?” and then stumbles back out again.
Loved that guy!
@Buck Rogers
Not sure I’d want him as a dentist……..
Who knew that drilling out a root canal would hurt so much and need anaesthetic…….
@Steampunk
@Buck Rogers
@wiscot
Thank you all for your vehement stand on black socks. They are rubbish. And special thanks to Buck for posting the wrong meme too, that makes me giggle. Those fucks who don’t answer texts! Bastards.
@fenlander
Those white Giros would look even more awesome with white socks. I’ll give you a lot of leeway for invoking Beavis and Butthead into this argument though. Very nice.
@fenlander
Looking pretty pro there Mr. Fenlander! I didn’t know Cambridgeshire had hills . . .
@Teocalli
Agreed. I think we’re allowed one place in our life to be in disarray but our work, one’s appearance, the bike, are not be included.
Ironically, it’s the sock drawer for me. OCD has its limits of reach.
@Buck Rogers
Awesome! And if he’s a dentist, does that mean he rides a Serotta now? Because that seems to be a dentist thing to do.
@Gianni
It shouldn’t need to be said, mate. It shouldn’t need to be said at all. Get your house in order. This place is going to shit.
@Steampunk
This.
I have tried to wear black socks. In fact, I’ve even got as far as *almost* getting onto my bike in them before before coming to my senses and going back inside to change them. It’s like driving without a seatbelt – it just doesn’t feel right.
Pristine, Goldilocks-length white socks are the ticket
anyevery day of the week … ’nuff said.@Nik_L
Black socks = poor excuse for not being able to look after your kit.
Only time for black socks is winter Rule #9 conditions with full leggings where they can’t be seen.
You have 5 choices when it comes to socks…..
1,2,3,4 : white socks
5: who cares, you’re about to be dropped.
@Teocalli
I’d also argue that they be seen if worn with knee warmers.
But never with black shoes. Black shoes and black socks should only ever be worn with a suit. Do it on a bike and it looks like you’ve forgotten your trousers.
You might as well start wearing socks with your sandals.
@Steampunk
This one lacks vision. Not surprising, but what is surprising to have this all emerging from the most ridiculous mustache ever conceived. Your avatar is too small so I went to your Facebook page to find this one, handsome.
You do bring up one point, even though you’re still wrong even then:
When you don’t have calves, the slimming factor of the black socks makes them look less not-calvesey.
@ccunix
The black shoes don’t impact the foundation from a material perspective. The platform is solid irrespective of the shoe color:
Also note the front valve stem is even in the right position despite the fact that I’m moving (slowly).
@Steampunk
My recollection of your application of Rule V was spinning out in a switchback, crashing, and walking the rest of the way up the hill.
To be fair, you may have switched to these shoes for the walk up, thereby building your impressive calves.
@frank
Wow, man. Just: wow.
@Le Baz
The toe box on Bonts are wider than normal in order to let your toes spread out for a better application of V into the pedals. With the Vaypors, the velcro strap (which serve double-duty as a spoiler to keep the whole operation from leaving the ground once you really get the pistons humming, per @wiscot) starts very low on the toe box for better stability. The foot is held in place incredibly well without having to snug the straps down terribly.
@Steampunk
I was being mean. Your design program is exquisite.
Careful now: you’re going to put your back out stooping so low. And then you’ll be stuck staring at those black socks. And I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. That’s seventh circle of hell aesthetics your hawking. Inappropes, dude. Inappropes. Socks should be white.
@Kay_Jay
+1 badge goes to you, matey. Very strongly played.
@Kay_Jay
Fucking Chapeau! Post of the day right there, Mate!