Categories: Breaking The RulesKitLa Vie VelominatusLook ProMusings from the V-Bunker

On Rule #28: The Case for Black Socks

The case for black socks...and orange patent leather shoes.

[rule number=28/]

Science has proven that people who wear crazy socks are smarter than those boring snooze factories who wear simple plain socks. I know the data supporting the claims is legitimate because I read it on LinkedIn. Also, when I say “read”, I mean that I glanced briefly at the title while simultaneously performing several other critical activities like checking YouTube for videos of uncoordinated animals and what the weather is like on Mars.

Rule #28 stands out amongst the others as a particularly vague swan for the reasons outlined in the above article, which I assume are that in a world of limited and regimented acceptable conventions in gender style choices, socks present an opportunity to fly our Freak Flag and throw in a few pieces of flair without upsetting the boss, partner, or parents. Even though every Velominatus, the most dedicated and elite of the Cycling Aesthetes, holds white socks in the highest regard, there should always be room for other choices within the Cyclist’s daily style program.

Despite the implication on my intelligence, my own sock choice is rather understated and dictated in part by the employment of the Orange Damsels – my beloved custom orange patent-leather Bont Vaypors. These shoes already make a bit of a statement themselves, so my sock choice needs to be solid and carefully coordinated in order to avoid a conflict between my ankle and foot decorum. For instance, the orange hi-vis DeFeets I ride on the road in bad weather don’t quite match the orange of my shoes, pulling the choke on the ol’ OCD engine. I have therefore allowed myself to wear socks in any color so long as they are either black or white.

The case for white socks is already clear and does not need to be revisited. The case for black socks, however, begins with the principles laid out by Rule #8, wherein the colors of satellite components should normally be matched to their nearest adjacent contact point on the frame. It then follows by extension that the same is true for kit: assuming the mandatory black bibs, black socks bridge the gap between them and whatever shoes you might be wearing. Much like matching the cuffs to the collars, matching the socks to the bibs to black provides a uniform platform from which to build your style program.

Go bold with the choice of socks if you must, but remember to always keep it classy. And, if in doubt, build a solid foundation of color from which to build.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Rick says:

Jun 23 2016 at 2:20 am

@frank

@Rick

I had been wearing black socks with my Dark Knights almost exclusively, I know not why. Last weekend, I stopped mid ride at an LBS to buy white socks. I am so freaking sick of black socks with my black widows, I just couldn’t wear anything but white socks again. The next day, with my black shoe white sock combo, I felt liberated, clean, as if I was going faster-it just felt right. I have no idea why I went to the dark side, but if it happens again I will definitely seek help.

Regarding the funny sock thing: I buy identical black socks to wear to work. I go to the same store and buy the same style every time. That way, any time I pull two socks out of my drawer I know they will match. This is especially useful for those dark mornings when turning the light on would awaken someone who may have just pulled a 40 hour shift at the hospital.

Meanwhile, those morons with the unique socks would be either showing up to an important meeting with an unmatched pair of silly socks, or waking up a surgeon who looks like a supermodel. Neither situation is ideal, albeit for very different reasons.

Who seems smart now?

Who puts loose socks in their drawers? This is the first I’ve heard of this strategy. I sort the at laundry time and fold them together like a civilized person.

This resolves every challenge you’ve outlined. Who’s the super model surgeon now, motherfucker?

Socks sometimes have a mind of their own. I sort and fold laundry as well but invariably, I wind up with singles. I have no idea where their mates go.....eaten by the dryer? hiding behind the washer? behind/under the hamper? morphing into coat hangars? The point is, single socks happen, it is a simple fact of life.

If one has never lost a sock, then my system is moot. However, if I lose one sock I have a mate to the next single that shows up for whatever reason. If a silly sock person loses a two singles, they lose two pairs of socks, I am missing only one pair.

If silly socks are your thing that is great. I often have to get dressed in the dark and don't want to wake the doc, so knowing in advance that my socks will be appropriate without having to look is a big advantage.
Rick says:

Jun 23 2016 at 2:51 am

@RobSandy

@frank

@Rick

Who puts loose socks in their drawers? This is the first I’ve heard of this strategy. I sort the at laundry time and fold them together like a civilized person.

This resolves every challenge you’ve outlined. Who’s the super model surgeon now, motherfucker?

I’m just going to comment on an OCD issue pertaining to socks. I have 5 pairs of brightly coloured work socks with Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday written on them. I’ve worn the right pair on the right day to work, every day (with a few upsetting exceptions ) for EIGHTEEN MONTHS.

My reply when anyone on the office comments on me always wearing the right day is ‘would you expect anything less?’.

In the past eighteen months, I have had zero upsetting sock exceptions (that is the whole point) and therefore am able to focus my OCD issues elsewhere.

Also, what happens if the washer eats a Tuesday sock? The whole week is shot to hell.

My black sock system (BSS) makes sorting and folding easy. Any two socks that I grab get folded together without thought because I am 100% sure that they will match. I figure this gives me about an hour more per year that I can spend in the saddle instead of sorting socks.
sthilzy says:

Jun 23 2016 at 2:53 am

Fill in the blanks?

Black shoes = _________ sock colour

White shoes = _________ sock colour

Blue shoes  = _________ sock colour

Orange shoes  = _______ sock colour

Silver shoes  = ________ sock colour

Red shoes  = _________ sock colour

Yellow shoes = ________ sock colour
Teocalli says:

Jun 23 2016 at 3:02 am

@Rick

It's all explained here in a different parallel universe http://www.earthstar.co.uk/biros.htm
Rick says:

Jun 23 2016 at 3:29 am

@frank

@Rick

I had been wearing black socks with my Dark Knights almost exclusively, I know not why. Last weekend, I stopped mid ride at an LBS to buy white socks. I am so freaking sick of black socks with my black widows, I just couldn’t wear anything but white socks again. The next day, with my black shoe white sock combo, I felt liberated, clean, as if I was going faster-it just felt right. I have no idea why I went to the dark side, but if it happens again I will definitely seek help.

Regarding the funny sock thing: I buy identical black socks to wear to work. I go to the same store and buy the same style every time. That way, any time I pull two socks out of my drawer I know they will match. This is especially useful for those dark mornings when turning the light on would awaken someone who may have just pulled a 40 hour shift at the hospital.

Meanwhile, those morons with the unique socks would be either showing up to an important meeting with an unmatched pair of silly socks, or waking up a surgeon who looks like a supermodel. Neither situation is ideal, albeit for very different reasons.

Who seems smart now?

Who puts loose socks in their drawers? This is the first I’ve heard of this strategy. I sort the at laundry time and fold them together like a civilized person.

This resolves every challenge you’ve outlined. Who’s the super model surgeon now, motherfucker?

That would be the person who is often next to me when I wake up. She is also the person whose ire I would not want to garner by turning on the light and rummaging around my sock drawer to make sure my socks are appropriate for the day. I am not stupid after all!
Rick says:

Jun 23 2016 at 3:36 am

@Teocalli

@Rick

It’s all explained here in a different parallel universe http://www.earthstar.co.uk/biros.htm

Thanks for clearing that up!
Oli says:

Jun 23 2016 at 3:53 am

@Buck Rogers

BZZZZT! Wrong!!
RobSandy says:

Jun 23 2016 at 4:15 am

@sthilzy

Fill in the blanks?

Black shoes = _________ sock colour

White shoes = _________ sock colour

Blue shoes = _________ sock colour

Orange shoes = _______ sock colour

Silver shoes = ________ sock colour

Red shoes = _________ sock colour

Yellow shoes = ________ sock colour

White.
chris says:

Jun 23 2016 at 4:17 am

@frank

@chris

@Teocalli

Only time for black socks is winter Rule #9 conditions with full leggings where they can’t be seen.

I’d also argue that they be seen if worn with knee warmers.

But never with black shoes. Black shoes and black socks should only ever be worn with a suit. Do it on a bike and it looks like you’ve forgotten your trousers.

You might as well start wearing socks with your sandals.

Oooooooooh. The woolies in Birkenstock Grunger from the 90’s! Haven’t seen that animal since, oh, long before you were born!

I'm with Buck on this, you've lost the plot.

I've been around for a long, long year, since long before you and grunge were born. This is what I refer to, much more horrific:
Steampunk says:

Jun 23 2016 at 4:41 am

@sthilzy

Fill in the blanks?

Black shoes = _________ sock colour

White shoes = _________ sock colour

Blue shoes = _________ sock colour

Orange shoes = _______ sock colour

Silver shoes = ________ sock colour

Red shoes = _________ sock colour

Yellow shoes = ________ sock colour

Answer to question 1 is WHITE. Every other question is a trick question, because your shoes should be black.