La Vie Velominatus: Ugly Ducklings

Kelly waddles on the podium at the ’84 Luik-Bastenaken-Luik.

We’re an odd bunch, us Cyclists. Shaved legs, scars, tan lines, muscular legs paired to scrawny upper bodies. These things that make us stand out are some of the things I take great pride in. I marvel at my freshly shaved guns and how smooth they feel under my dress clothes when I’m stuck at the office. I’ll stand in front of the mirror each morning and gauge whether I’m getting fatter or skinnier. I’ll constantly feel my legs to check that they haven’t started to get soft since the morning’s ride. Being a Cyclist, it seems, is a full-time occupation.

Everything in our lives is biased towards riding. On the bike, we are a picture of elegance: perfect kit, tanned guns, magnificent stroke fluidly propelling us along the avenue. Remove us from the bicycle, however, and the graceful Cyclist is transformed instantly into an awkward creature; our legs suddenly look too big, our bodies too small, and we waddle about hopelessly on cleated shoes.

One of the most satisfying experiences of Cycling is to walk in my road shoes. Not only is it a thrill to avoid wiping out down a flight of stairs or in a café, but it marks the start and end of my ride. Kitting up before leaving, I’ll wander to the living room with my shoes in hand. Standing up after strapping them on, I’ll clomp out to the bike, my awkward gait signaling the sweet anticipation of the ride that awaits. Similarly, I cherish clomping back into the house afterwards, the clip-clop of my shoes echoing through the living room and signaling to anyone who is home that I’ve returned from my mission.

I embrace those things that make me strange to the rest of society; we are Cyclists and the rest aren’t meant to understand our ways. But a time will come when we ugly ducklings will blossom into skinny swans.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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cjcosgrove says:

Jan 30 2014 at 1:28 pm

My VMH is not exactily enamored with my cycling habitus, specifically the shaved guns. I did not have the forsight to keep them shorn during my dark years away from the bike, when we met. Now I pay penance with all the comments about looking like "I'm on chemo," and what not.

I think she's just jealous.
Ron says:

Jan 30 2014 at 1:30 pm

YES!! Great stuff here, Big D.Monkey.

I swear that more than once the clickity-clack of my cleats on a hard floor has caused an alarmed person to look in my direction with a fearful gaze. "Is that a fucking cross dresser? Is that fucking dude in full Lycra also wearing high heels?!"

Trying to explain Les Pedales Automatiques to people isn't easy either, especially when you live in a place where most people have never, ever downhill skied. That used to make things easier, it's like a ski binding. "What is skiing?"

I was at a party on Saturday night, discussing the upcoming World CX championships. A guy I play soccer with twice a week asked incredulously, "How do you know all this stuff [about cycling]?" I kind of wanted to ask him how he found it okay to not know more about cycling. I don't really follow much else, but I love checking out the daily cycling news.

Such as...Zdenek is racing on Sunday! Only because it's close to his VMH's house. How great is that for a reason to race the WCs?
Souleur says:

Jan 30 2014 at 1:46 pm

@scaler911

Jesus H Merckx on a popsicle stick. To have guns like those (yes, I read the article in case you wondered).

I work in a place that is for the most part, staffed and run by women (which may explain some stuff to you old-timers around here). Getting cat called for tanned, shorn legs by the lady folk was fabulous and off putting at the same time. We are a weird bunch for sure.

yeah, me too, i have looked many times at that photo and just thought....and thought....and thought....what i would do to have guns like that man

I like the routine you have there Frank. You describe a routine I share similarly, but I do have cleat protectors to protect me in the arrival to work as I merge the workout/ride/commute, and daily after I spin in to work, I roll into the open doors of my work, the atrium of the hospital, and get off the bike, and do something similar as you describe. Proud of the guns and the process, I slide in the door, put on the cleat protectors (so i don't bust my ass) and put the glasses in the helmet, undo the helmet and casually deliberately go to my office to clean up.... maybe its just ego speaking here, but we all have one and yes, we all garner a little attention in the stand out

I also really enjoy doing this at the local coffee shop, casually sipping the espresso similarly

I wish I had guns like Kelly, but I will have to make do with what I have
Ron says:

Jan 30 2014 at 1:54 pm

We're having a very, very cold winter by local standards. We even got some snow yesterday. People are freaking out...and not going out, too cold to leave the house.

Then I show up at work or the store on my bike. "You rode a bike here? In this?!"

I love doing my small part to show people that with some good gloves, socks, and a nice winter cap, anything is possible!
VeloSix says:

Jan 30 2014 at 2:07 pm

@cjcosgrove

My VMH is not exactily enamored with my cycling habitus, specifically the shaved guns. I did not have the forsight to keep them shorn during my dark years away from the bike, when we met. Now I pay penance with all the comments about looking like "I'm on chemo," and what not.

I think she's just jealous.

I dare not mention trying to improve my climbing weight to my VMH.
VeloSix says:

Jan 30 2014 at 2:08 pm

@wiscot

@VeloSix

@wiscot

@VeloSix

Those look like bowling shoes... except that upon further review, the placement of the duct tape, and near tissue paper covered guns, one would immediately realize that this individual likely cannot hold a bowling ball, let alone toss it 63 feet with enough force to knock down a feather....

Oh I don't know. If Kelly took his bowling as seriously as his bike riding, he'd be smashing those pins. Remember, he's an Irish farm boy (I remember a pic in Winning of him howking tatties, so throwing a bowling ball would be a piece of cake.

and thus, the youth and ignorance of my cycling history is exposed...

Shame on me

No worries! This is from Kelly's wikipedia page. A hardman's training for sure! The bit about DeGribaldy driving around the Irish countryside looking for the tractor-driving Kelly is classic.

For eight years he attended Crehana National School, ................Metz, where the club had offered him better terms than before.[7]

Great stuff, thanks for sharing! A far cry from the "talent camps" of today
frank says:

Jan 30 2014 at 2:45 pm

@Nate

Standing up after strapping them on, I'll clomp out to the bike, my awkward gate signaling the sweet anticipation of the ride that awaits. Similarly, I cherish clomping back into the house afterwards, the clip-clop of my shoes echoing through the living room and signaling to anyone who is home that I've returned from my mission.

What happened to the Adilettes?

Routine is the same with or without them, at least in the winter. Summertime I may shoe up outside.

As for the Adeilettes, my last pair died after an introduction to our pitbul puppy. New ones on the way, don't worry. Was trying to get orange ones.
frank says:

Jan 30 2014 at 2:50 pm

@Gianni

@JCM

Nothing ugly about Kelly's guns, white socks, and black shoes! You can tell that the spectators are both fascinated and terrified.

I'd never noticed the little kid staring between Kelly's ankles before.

Those Brancale shoes and duct tape where the toe clip straps went across his badass feet. I wonder what that was all about? Kelly was not worried about fashion, that's for sure. I bought my wife those very same shoes for her first pair of proper cycling shoes. I hate to admit how old that makes us. Fuck it, it makes us as old as Sean Kelly, nothing wrong with that. He could still kick yer teef in!

I'd be fucking proud as shit if I was Kelly's age. Hard men were forged in that era.

@scaler911

@Gianni

@JCM

Nothing ugly about Kelly's guns, white socks, and black shoes! You can tell that the spectators are both fascinated and terrified.

I'd never noticed the little kid staring between Kelly's ankles before.

Those Brancale shoes and duct tape where the toe clip straps went across his badass feet. I wonder what that was all about? Kelly was not worried about fashion, that's for sure. I bought my wife those very same shoes for her first pair of proper cycling shoes. I hate to admit how old that makes us. Fuck it, it makes us as old as Sean Kelly, nothing wrong with that. He could still kick yer teef in!

So the clips could "slide" a little and not create hot spots on the top of his feet, while remaining secure, 'cause the toe straps were probably tightened by a couple of Eastern Bloc weightlifters. Just a guess.

I was thinking the same, or possibly to combat stretching of the leather uppers during the race so they don't get looser during the ride.

@NICCO

In cycling beauty is the juxtaposition of grace and crudeness and together they evoke a sense of ultimate elegance even while your caked in dirt, and sweat from a lengthy summer ride. We try to be graceful in many ways ie shaving our legs, wearing tight Lyrca, buying expensive bikes, but only through suffering day in and day out can one achieve poise on a bicycle.

THIS.
frank says:

Jan 30 2014 at 2:56 pm

@AussieKopite

I used to put my shoes on before stepping outside the house, until I forgot one day and stood on a step heel first and ended up doing the splits across four stairs... Now they are the last thing I do before hopping on my bike outside.

CafÃ© Cleats on Time's road shoes are the bomb digity.

@Rom

Have we learnt nothing from our Tri cousins?

Simply leave your shoes on your pedals, all lined up with natty elastic bands, insert your feet once underway, then crash into the undergrowth, fence, or your riding buddies.

SOLID. FUCKING. GOLD.

@Deakus

I'm afraid that's @scaler911's department.

@Mike_P

you don't understand me and I'm loving that

Sing it brother!
frank says:

Jan 30 2014 at 3:24 pm

@VeloSix

Those look like bowling shoes... except that upon further review, the placement of the duct tape, and near tissue paper covered guns, one would immediately realize that this individual likely cannot hold a bowling ball, let alone toss it 63 feet with enough force to knock down a feather....

HA!

@wiscot

@VeloSix

Those look like bowling shoes... except that upon further review, the placement of the duct tape, and near tissue paper covered guns, one would immediately realize that this individual likely cannot hold a bowling ball, let alone toss it 63 feet with enough force to knock down a feather....

Oh I don't know. If Kelly took his bowling as seriously as his bike riding, he'd be smashing those pins. Remember, he's an Irish farm boy (I remember a pic in Winning of him howking tatties, so throwing a bowling ball would be a piece of cake.

That might be the most efficient way to produce mulch.