La Vie Velominatus: Ugly Ducklings

Kelly waddles on the podium at the ’84 Luik-Bastenaken-Luik.

We’re an odd bunch, us Cyclists. Shaved legs, scars, tan lines, muscular legs paired to scrawny upper bodies. These things that make us stand out are some of the things I take great pride in. I marvel at my freshly shaved guns and how smooth they feel under my dress clothes when I’m stuck at the office. I’ll stand in front of the mirror each morning and gauge whether I’m getting fatter or skinnier. I’ll constantly feel my legs to check that they haven’t started to get soft since the morning’s ride. Being a Cyclist, it seems, is a full-time occupation.

Everything in our lives is biased towards riding. On the bike, we are a picture of elegance: perfect kit, tanned guns, magnificent stroke fluidly propelling us along the avenue. Remove us from the bicycle, however, and the graceful Cyclist is transformed instantly into an awkward creature; our legs suddenly look too big, our bodies too small, and we waddle about hopelessly on cleated shoes.

One of the most satisfying experiences of Cycling is to walk in my road shoes. Not only is it a thrill to avoid wiping out down a flight of stairs or in a café, but it marks the start and end of my ride. Kitting up before leaving, I’ll wander to the living room with my shoes in hand. Standing up after strapping them on, I’ll clomp out to the bike, my awkward gait signaling the sweet anticipation of the ride that awaits. Similarly, I cherish clomping back into the house afterwards, the clip-clop of my shoes echoing through the living room and signaling to anyone who is home that I’ve returned from my mission.

I embrace those things that make me strange to the rest of society; we are Cyclists and the rest aren’t meant to understand our ways. But a time will come when we ugly ducklings will blossom into skinny swans.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Jan 30 2014 at 3:25 pm

@actor1

@markpa a quick search on the google box provides this info: http://users.rcn.com/barbara.dnai/lacipale.html a short description of the area.

-while you're in paris, hit up an american's cupcake shop 1 & 1/2 blocks from notre dame:
http://www.bertiescupcakery.com/

-they're both runners/triathletes/bloggers/from DC, but don't hold that against them! he's also known as dc rainmaker, & has excellent gear reviews: http://www.dcrainmaker.com/

bon chance!

May I ask why the fuck you'd buy American food in fucking Paris?
frank says:

Jan 30 2014 at 3:27 pm

@cjcosgrove

My VMH is not exactily enamored with my cycling habitus, specifically the shaved guns. I did not have the forsight to keep them shorn during my dark years away from the bike, when we met. Now I pay penance with all the comments about looking like "I'm on chemo," and what not.

I think she's just jealous.

The only problem we have is that I'm much better at and more diligent with my leg shaving than is the VMH.

Truth be told, she just gets grossed out when she sees men with hairy legs.
Mikael Liddy says:

Jan 30 2014 at 3:42 pm

@cjcosgrove

My VMH is not exactily enamored with my cycling habitus, specifically the shaved guns. I did not have the forsight to keep them shorn during my dark years away from the bike, when we met. Now I pay penance with all the comments about looking like "I'm on chemo," and what not.

I think she's just jealous.

hehe, had a friend who we only see infrequently comment the other day, "shit, you've got skinny, you look like a cancer patient!"

Couldn't wipe the grin off my face for the rest of the day.
xyxax says:

Jan 30 2014 at 4:18 pm

@Buck Rogers

@xyxax Have a margherita pizza for me and the kids if you would! They still talk about the corner restauraunt where we ate and had that pizza. Sooo yummy! And have a nice Sauternes for me if you would!

I will happily have a margherita for each of your young'uns. And if you are ever down in the city en famille, we can do a raclette with Sauterne.

@Buck Rogers
Puffy says:

Jan 30 2014 at 4:26 pm

@cjcosgrove

Laying on the bed the other day the VMH says "Most women would kill for legs that shine like that" refering to my guns. I never knew a shine was a goal women were shooting for but appraently mine shine (smoother?) than hers. She also occasionally asks me if when in bed I mistake my legs for hers and caress my own. I replied "Of course I caress my own, but it's no mistake!"
VeloSix says:

Jan 30 2014 at 4:34 pm

@Puffy

@cjcosgrove

Laying on the bed the other day the VMH says "Most women would kill for legs that shine like that" refering to my guns. I never knew a shine was a goal women were shooting for but appraently mine shine (smoother?) than hers. She also occasionally asks me if when in bed I mistake my legs for hers and caress my own. I replied "Of course I caress my own, but it's no mistake!"

Ha, been there....
VeloSix says:

Jan 30 2014 at 4:39 pm

@NICCO

In cycling beauty is the juxtaposition of grace and crudeness and together they evoke a sense of ultimate elegance even while your caked in dirt, and sweat from a lengthy summer ride. We try to be graceful in many ways ie shaving our legs, wearing tight Lyrca, buying expensive bikes, but only through suffering day in and day out can one achieve poise on a bicycle.

I missed this, being lazy and skipping posts. Shame on me, but thanks @Frank for quoting...

I shall do the same and acknowledge the awesomeness! A tip of the hat to you!
markpa says:

Jan 30 2014 at 7:23 pm

@actor1 @xyxax thanks for the extra info.

After I'd google map'd around and found La Cipale I was too excited to do the follow up.

My claim to link it to this thread is who else would appreciate someone being excited by a old bike track named after "Who is this Jacques Anquetil bloke". Who else can get excited by how to look funny when wearing silly shoes.

As a much better rugby player than I'll ever be a bike rider, velodrome with rugby field seems ideal combination but not at the expense of actually being able to ride on it.

We'll certainly be wandering past Bertie's as we head to Notre Dame. If I call in and whisper "The Velominati sent me" in a sinister tone will they be approriately awed. (probably only works for a Keeper)
frank says:

Jan 30 2014 at 8:12 pm

@Ron

I was at a party on Saturday night, discussing the upcoming World CX championships. A guy I play soccer with twice a week asked incredulously, "How do you know all this stuff [about cycling]?" I kind of wanted to ask him how he found it okay to not know more about cycling. I don't really follow much else, but I love checking out the daily cycling news.

This is our frame of reference and it puts us at odds with the world.

It's interesting because a lot of football (american) and football (the real kind) and basketball fans I know are die-hard fans but don't play the sport themselves. I don't know anyone who follows Cycling who isn't a Cyclist. Its a completely different world.

I was at dinner tonight with some peers from work, one of whom is a former NFL Football player. He's a really cool guy and it was fun to talk to him about how he vies the sport now, "Most fans I talk to know a lot more about the sport than I do."
frank says:

Jan 30 2014 at 8:24 pm

@Souleur

I like the routine you have there Frank. You describe a routine I share similarly, but I do have cleat protectors to protect me in the arrival to work as I merge the workout/ride/commute, and daily after I spin in to work, I roll into the open doors of my work, the atrium of the hospital, and get off the bike, and do something similar as you describe. Proud of the guns and the process, I slide in the door, put on the cleat protectors (so i don't bust my ass) and put the glasses in the helmet, undo the helmet and casually deliberately go to my office to clean up.... maybe its just ego speaking here, but we all have one and yes, we all garner a little attention in the stand out

My dad, as many of you know, is a major inspiration for me in Cycling; for sure my main Sensei. But not the way you might think; he is a repeat offender of wearing YJA's (Frank, I like your jersey, but can't you make a yellow one?) .

Anyway, he's a prof at the University I went to, and I'd be studying in the Civil Engineering lounge where he worked and he'd come clopping through the middle of it in his spandex, YJA, cycling shoes and all, just happily on his way to the shower without giving two shits about what all his students thought of him waddling by.

That is one of the major life lessons he taught me at a formative time: if you have a reason why you're doing something and you believe in that reason, who cares what other people think?

I also really enjoy doing this at the local coffee shop, casually sipping the espresso similarly

I wish I had guns like Kelly, but I will have to make do with what I have

I love how you come back to Kelly's Guns. Everything always comes back to Kelly's Guns.