La Vie Velominatus: Ugly Ducklings

Kelly waddles on the podium at the ’84 Luik-Bastenaken-Luik.

We’re an odd bunch, us Cyclists. Shaved legs, scars, tan lines, muscular legs paired to scrawny upper bodies. These things that make us stand out are some of the things I take great pride in. I marvel at my freshly shaved guns and how smooth they feel under my dress clothes when I’m stuck at the office. I’ll stand in front of the mirror each morning and gauge whether I’m getting fatter or skinnier. I’ll constantly feel my legs to check that they haven’t started to get soft since the morning’s ride. Being a Cyclist, it seems, is a full-time occupation.

Everything in our lives is biased towards riding. On the bike, we are a picture of elegance: perfect kit, tanned guns, magnificent stroke fluidly propelling us along the avenue. Remove us from the bicycle, however, and the graceful Cyclist is transformed instantly into an awkward creature; our legs suddenly look too big, our bodies too small, and we waddle about hopelessly on cleated shoes.

One of the most satisfying experiences of Cycling is to walk in my road shoes. Not only is it a thrill to avoid wiping out down a flight of stairs or in a café, but it marks the start and end of my ride. Kitting up before leaving, I’ll wander to the living room with my shoes in hand. Standing up after strapping them on, I’ll clomp out to the bike, my awkward gait signaling the sweet anticipation of the ride that awaits. Similarly, I cherish clomping back into the house afterwards, the clip-clop of my shoes echoing through the living room and signaling to anyone who is home that I’ve returned from my mission.

I embrace those things that make me strange to the rest of society; we are Cyclists and the rest aren’t meant to understand our ways. But a time will come when we ugly ducklings will blossom into skinny swans.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Jan 30 2014 at 8:28 pm

@markpa

I'm slightly filled with rage that you're in Paris and I'm not. Just FYI. Amazing city.
markpa says:

Jan 30 2014 at 10:37 pm

@frank

@markpa

I'm slightly filled with rage that you're in Paris and I'm not. Just FYI. Amazing city.

Not there until July, just booking everything in and picking the "route" for 10 days in Paris with the family.
Will be in a little village not far from Oderen and stage 10 of le Tour on Bastille Day.

All up we'll be in Europe till October and leave from Milan after the Giro di Lombardia.

The expression "happy as a pig in mud" comes to mind.
Mike_P says:

Jan 31 2014 at 2:44 am

@wiscot

They found him and went to Kelly's stepbrother's house.

It's funnier than this. When I was at his book signing in December, he said that his mother was there at the time and when deGribaldy stepped out of the taxi in the farmyard, dressed in his Italian suit and wearing aviator sunglasses, she thought Sean had got in with the local mob and they'd come to beat the crap out of him. Brilliant!
wiscot says:

Jan 31 2014 at 5:29 am

@Mike_P

@wiscot

They found him and went to Kelly's stepbrother's house.

It's funnier than this. When I was at his book signing in December, he said that his mother was there at the time and when deGribaldy stepped out of the taxi in the farmyard, dressed in his Italian suit and wearing aviator sunglasses, she thought Sean had got in with the local mob and they'd come to beat the crap out of him. Brilliant!

Thanks for that! Just makes a great story even better!
VeloSix says:

Jan 31 2014 at 5:44 am

@wiscot

@Mike_P

@wiscot

They found him and went to Kelly's stepbrother's house.

It's funnier than this. When I was at his book signing in December, he said that his mother was there at the time and when deGribaldy stepped out of the taxi in the farmyard, dressed in his Italian suit and wearing aviator sunglasses, she thought Sean had got in with the local mob and they'd come to beat the crap out of him. Brilliant!

Thanks for that! Just makes a great story even better!

Absolutely!
VirenqueForever says:

Jan 31 2014 at 7:00 am

Sorry - not on topic but so much rolled into 1 small page, Van den broeck's Ex, Cyclocross...couldn't resist

http://www.sudinfo.be/914/article/sports/cyclisme/2014-01-29/les-photos-sexy-de-femke-herygers-dans-un-maillot-retro-photos
Mike_P says:

Jan 31 2014 at 7:12 am

@VirenqueForever Oh dear
henrik says:

Jan 31 2014 at 8:15 am

Talking about big legs and cycling, these are just silly.
Steve-o says:

Jan 31 2014 at 9:24 am

My now 24 year old daughter told me a story just a couple of weeks ago about having a friend of hers at the house for a sleepover years ago and they heard me clip-clopping around the house before a Sunday ride. Her friend remarked that it sounded like I was wearing woman's shoes. My daughter's response was "He rides a bike." But she did like to boast to her friends that her daddy does 100 mile bike rides all the time.
Gianni says:

Jan 31 2014 at 12:27 pm

@wiscot

This Kelly pic is one of my favorites - I think I first saw it in the much-missed Winning. Couple of key things here - those shoes had plastic soles - not carbon, carbon-composite, but friggin' plastic. This lack of "stiffness" was clearly no impediment to dishing out The V. That being said, they were still probably lighter than many shoes around today because of their sheer simplicity - sole, upper, laces. The duct tape (very carefully applied and trimmed just-so), is surely there to prevent issues with loose laces.

Are they Brancales? I know Kelly rode Puma shoes for a while and then Gaernes and Vittorias too for a while.

Finally, the socks = perfection. Fully adhering to the Goldilocks Principle.

You are the man. My brother in sock height. You get it.

The reason I think they were Brancale shoes is I'm familiar with their funky plastic mesh look and Sean did wear the most hideous Brancale helmet for a bit. He defiled Milan-Sanremo by winning in that helmet. Maybe he had a package deal, shoes and helmets. And I think Pumas were actually much cooler looking than what's on his feet.