The road to Chapman Peak south from Cape Town, South Africa.

I’ve never been to Africa before, although I’m not sure Cape Town counts as “Africa”. One thing I noticed is that everyone here is very skinny. I also noticed that the meal proportions served at restaurants are very modest. That shows the difference between prevention and treatment when dealing with obesity; whereas in the United States we are taking the approach of eating our way through to the other side, in Cape Town they are simply not getting fat to begin with. Interesting tactic, I wonder if there’s anything to it.

The people here are skinny skinny, not fat skinny like I am. Nothing like sitting at a beach overflowing with 20-somethings with zero body fat in swim trunks and bikinis to make you realize that you’re an old fat fuck. But I digress.

I also never imagined that I would regret not bringing my bike to Africa. In fact, I regret not bringing two bikes to Africa; on the flight from Johannesburg to Cape Town, I spied with my little eye many a twisty gravel road snaking their way over mountains in the desert. Gravelbone abounds, provided one isn’t taken down by a cobra or a rhino or a tiger or an elephant or a leopard. Especially that last one, there’s no outspeeding those.

Driving the spectacularly undulating, winding roads down to the Cape of Good Hope was a study in how to build the perfect road for Cycling. People here also don’t drive very fast, so the lack of a shoulder doesn’t even seem suicidal. Whats worse is the multitudes of skinny riders making excellent use of the riding bounties to be had. Climbone abounds.

I’m a bit angry with myself for not bringing my bike(s) or even my Cycling kit, but I intend to rectify the situation by ordering double-portions of food and looking for fitness in the bottom of wine bottles as I am given to understand you can find the solution to loads of problems there, like fortune cookies for alcoholics.

In any case, Cape Town now holds a prominent place on my list of places to ride. I’ll be buggered if I’m not bringing my bike next time.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @GogglesPizano

    Meanwhile up here in Canada Rule #9 prevails over all

    Fat people... body image... tigers... bloody hell people! Can we not start immediately commenting on the awesomeness of a Colnago in snow? No cantis and he should be going uphill, but SNOW!

  • @wiscot

    What about tame tigers? What about cougars? Any wild cougars in Africa? That might add some spice to the whole sheebang.

    You don't have to leave the continental US for cougars. They're all over in the PNW, including right in our freaking neighborhood. And there you are on your bike, looking for all the world to that cougar like venison.

    Just recently a friend got screamed at by a cat just a mile or so behind me on mountain bike ride. And that guy knows a woman in our town who was commuting home using panniers and wound up playing tug o' war over her bike with a cougar. Still has the panniers that still have the claw marks.

  • @DeKerr

    @GogglesPizano

    Meanwhile up here in Canada Rule #9 prevails over all

    Fat people... body image... tigers... bloody hell people! Can we not start immediately commenting on the awesomeness of a Colnago in snow? No cantis and he should be going uphill, but SNOW!

    That looks like that heavy wet sloppy snow too.

  • @VeloSix

    Yes HEAVY and wet - I figured that when I shouldered my bike there was what felt like 5kg of snow on it ... 

     

    @DeKerr

    @GogglesPizano

    Meanwhile up here in Canada Rule #9 prevails over all

     

    Fat people... body image... tigers... bloody hell people! Can we not start immediately commenting on the awesomeness of a Colnago in snow? No cantis and he should be going uphill, but SNOW!

    That looks like that heavy wet sloppy snow too.

  • @Ron

    Frank - I feel your pain. Prince Edward Island a couple years ago. A dedicated trail across the island, drivers that drive below the speed limit...and I was without a bike. Oh man, did I regret that.

    Meanwhile, up here in Canada... next time you're on PEI check out Outer Limit Sports in Charlottetown. Last month I rented a half decent bike and had a blast between conference sessions.

  • The overwhelming presence of inexpensive (for a Westerner) quality wine in south Africa could make a person swear off beer.  It's crazy. I craved a bike when I was there, but time and budget would not allow.  I also felt insecure about being able to stay on the correct side of the road...

  • @Mikael Liddy

    survival of the fittest does not mean "those who are trim and in shape", but rather, those who are best adapted to their environment,   Or, those who "Fit" the best. Frankly, today's society is more geared towards fatties with cars that fit people on bikes. It's a damn shame.

  • @frank. Don't underestimate the Rhino Frank... Fast as fuck, even with your sprint!

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