Categories: La Vie VelominatusMusings from the V-BunkerRiding Ugly

The Climber in a Gorilla Suit

The climber in a gorilla suit is a mysterious beast.

There is a force upon this world which governs all manner of voodoo and wizardry. This force ensures the streak in your windshield wiper is always precisely at eye level. It ensures that the phone call goes to voicemail just as you touch the “answer” button. It ensures that a product which you endlessly encountered but did not need will vanish into oblivion the moment it becomes of use.

The more time I spend as a Cyclist, the more apparent it becomes to me that this force also controls which of us are to become good climbers or bad climbers. I will never be a good climber, however much I enjoy it; I am much too big for it. But I climb well enough for my weight because I enjoy the work and the suffering. I enjoy testing to see how far I can push myself.

I see small, powerful riders and I imagine they must go uphill like a whisper on the wind, but when the climb comes, they drift back in the group and disappear down the road the wrong way. The mysterious force has decreed that they shall not be a good climber, especially for their weight.

Most mysterious is the large rider who goes uphill like a beast; they are too big, too heavy, and too strong to defy gravity like the mountain goats do, with none of the grace and fluidity that the true grimpeur holds. Yet they go to the front and heap coals on the fire, sending everyone on their wheel deep into the pain cave. This rider is the Climber in a Gorilla Suit, and they are the sleeper agents of the peloton.

Look out; there likely is one lurking on the group ride tonight.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

May 4 2016 at 9:00 am

@kixsand

Love it!

There was a big fella on the club ride on Saturday that was a pure marvel – guessing he would go 225lbs or so and he absolutely crushed hills with a cadence usually reserved for track riders and hummingbirds. Looked like he had a 32 on the back and as soon as the roads turned skyward his legs would start to blur and off he’d go!

There was a young buck on the ride I've been doing on Saturdays who holds the same magical power. I'm a classic Rouleur but climb better for my weight than most of the other big fellas.

Very annoying when a heavier rider drops me.
frank says:

May 4 2016 at 9:46 am

@@1km2go

The thought of stage 9, TdF 1995, when Indurain lit it up on his way to second place (behind Alex Zulle) and to hear Phil Ligget say, “is as if someone threw a bomb amongst the breakaway, and spread it all over La Plagne”. It just gives me goosebumps to think about it.

Totally, right? What a race. Mig did a few really good climbs. Oh, how that man must have suffered. Gianni Bugno was another who could go well uphill for being too big to climb like that.
gilly says:

May 4 2016 at 12:41 pm

I don't have any mountains close by, but I do have Dartmoor. You learn a lot about yourself climbing on the moor!
kixsand says:

May 4 2016 at 4:20 pm

@frank

@kixsand

Love it!

There was a big fella on the club ride on Saturday that was a pure marvel – guessing he would go 225lbs or so and he absolutely crushed hills with a cadence usually reserved for track riders and hummingbirds. Looked like he had a 32 on the back and as soon as the roads turned skyward his legs would start to blur and off he’d go!

There was a young buck on the ride I’ve been doing on Saturdays who holds the same magical power. I’m a classic Rouleur but climb better for my weight than most of the other big fellas.

Very annoying when a heavier rider drops me.

Well I certainly wasn't going to let the fat bastard drop me...just took a little longer to reel him in and slide past him before the top of the hill. I was however appreciative of the effort and was happy to provide him with a larger than normal draft so that he could get his shit together once over the hill.
Jay says:

May 4 2016 at 5:41 pm

@hudson

I did presume that you were from Lancaster. Depending on which area of Delaware that you reside I am sure that there are some beautiful rides, albeit, flat. Although, an almost completely flat century ride does have a certain appeal (can you say PR?).
ChrisO says:

May 4 2016 at 11:43 pm

@gilly

I don’t have any mountains close by, but I do have Dartmoor. You learn a lot about yourself climbing on the moor!

You don't need mountains then.

I'm a pretty good climber because I can sit on a decent power number and hold a good pace. So when I went to visit my son at Exeter university last October and thought I'd take a spin around Dartmoor I mapped out a route and didn't really look at the profile. OMG.

Forget steady power, it was out-of-the-saddle maximum effort just to keep the bike moving. I can imagine doing those on a regularly basis would require considerable self-reflection.
Teocalli says:

May 5 2016 at 1:41 am

@gilly

I don’t have any mountains close by, but I do have Dartmoor. You learn a lot about yourself climbing on the moor!

One of the places I fancy doing a loop round. Used to be our CCF playground when I was at school in Taunton. Spent quite a few days tramping and camping around the moor (and the Quantocks) on CCF exercises firing of blanks at each other in .303 rifles. Never be allowed to do that with security these days. Bleeding freezing in winter in days before sewn in groundsheets in tents - and pretty indifferent sleeping bags.
hudson says:

May 5 2016 at 4:40 am

@Jay

Yeah, not from PA, I've just been fortunate enough to ride there. Delaware does have some decent rides, but its really got nothing on PA unless your in love with the beach, which i'm not. But what i'd really like is to point my bike uphill and ride for a few hours, just to see how my body reacts. Inspired by @frank ride.
Sparty says:

May 5 2016 at 7:26 am

@hudson

@Jay

Yeah, not from PA, I’ve just been fortunate enough to ride there. Delaware does have some decent rides, but its really got nothing on PA unless your in love with the beach, which i’m not. But what i’d really like is to point my bike uphill and ride for a few hours, just to see how my body reacts. Inspired by @frank ride.

@hudson @Jay

Maybe we can arrange a PA Cogal later this coming summer. I'll be in Montana for the month of July (fly fishing and riding - life is tough), but I live in PA and would be game for a cogal in early August.
Rusty Gramm says:

May 5 2016 at 7:56 am

@Sparty @hudson @jay i'd be game for a PA cogal, theres probably enough guys in the local club that would be interested to make it an interesting day