Categories: La Vie VelominatusMusings from the V-BunkerRiding Ugly

The Climber in a Gorilla Suit

The climber in a gorilla suit is a mysterious beast.

There is a force upon this world which governs all manner of voodoo and wizardry. This force ensures the streak in your windshield wiper is always precisely at eye level. It ensures that the phone call goes to voicemail just as you touch the “answer” button. It ensures that a product which you endlessly encountered but did not need will vanish into oblivion the moment it becomes of use.

The more time I spend as a Cyclist, the more apparent it becomes to me that this force also controls which of us are to become good climbers or bad climbers. I will never be a good climber, however much I enjoy it; I am much too big for it. But I climb well enough for my weight because I enjoy the work and the suffering. I enjoy testing to see how far I can push myself.

I see small, powerful riders and I imagine they must go uphill like a whisper on the wind, but when the climb comes, they drift back in the group and disappear down the road the wrong way. The mysterious force has decreed that they shall not be a good climber, especially for their weight.

Most mysterious is the large rider who goes uphill like a beast; they are too big, too heavy, and too strong to defy gravity like the mountain goats do, with none of the grace and fluidity that the true grimpeur holds. Yet they go to the front and heap coals on the fire, sending everyone on their wheel deep into the pain cave. This rider is the Climber in a Gorilla Suit, and they are the sleeper agents of the peloton.

Look out; there likely is one lurking on the group ride tonight.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Erik says:

May 3 2016 at 8:37 am

@Rusty Gramm

i’m a sadist not a climber

I find the steep hills just to feel the pain

even when i’ve been dropped

i like to see the elevation gain

It does clear the mind, doesn't it?
Jay says:

May 3 2016 at 5:37 pm

@hudson

Start with Hawk Mountain Road from either side, although the approach to the top is longer from the Kempton side, so maybe a little more difficult. The ride up from Drehersville isn't long, but the grade near the summit is a killer (my car doesn't like it). Or try Route 501 from Pine Grove to Bethel, its just a long grind.

There are probably some other routes that are equally tough either to the west or east, but these are not too far from Lancaster County. I think that the Hawk Mountain route was included in the Tour Du Pont back when that race still existed.
GoldenGorilla says:

May 3 2016 at 7:40 pm

Gorilla in a Gorilla suit here. No fooling anyone on that. I just settle into my rhythm and I'm good to go for a long time. I don't even really enjoy the climbs but living in CO does make it a bit difficult to avoid them.

I recently traveled to Chicago and was very surprised that we tipped less than 200m of climbing on an 86 km ride. I think half of that came from riding up onto an overpass and an elevated train track converted to bike path . I don't have many options from home where I can avoid that on the first 10 km of a ride.
markpa says:

May 3 2016 at 10:35 pm

@frank you published this too early.
It's only May the Fourth be with you day today.
The Grande Fondue says:

May 4 2016 at 12:34 am

I assumed this was going to be about Carlos Betancur

In the first of Movistar’s winter training camps, Carlos Betancur didn’t look like a cyclist. “He was, how to say it, chubby”, said one member of staff....

The kid had talent. He had proved himself as a sparkling climber in the Giro and as a powerful uphill finisher by putting two stages and the GC of the 2014 Paris-Nice under his (tight) belt, all while being 5kg above his ideal weight....

“It takes guts to be like him”, one summarised. “He is hors de logique — beyond any logic — and we don’t quite understand him”, then-teammate Jean-Christophe Péraud said in an interview from last year.

http://cyclingtips.com/2016/05/class-over-kilos-the-promising-return-of-carlos-betancur/
hudson says:

May 4 2016 at 3:33 am

@Rusty Gramm

@Jay

I believe there is an assumption that i live in PA, I freakin wish, beautiful state, love the hills too. I'm in DE (no hills). I was riding in PA on a weekend trip. However, next time i'm there i will be looking for those roads (and maybe some folks to suffer with).
Rusty Gramm says:

May 4 2016 at 4:08 am

@hudson

I hear Amish country and I usually assume PA or OH, not Delaware, but any time you need a tour guide in Lancaster, hit me up.
Rusty Gramm says:

May 4 2016 at 4:11 am

@Erik

@Rusty Gramm

i’m a sadist not a climber

I find the steep hills just to feel the pain

even when i’ve been dropped

i like to see the elevation gain

It does clear the mind, doesn’t it?

you can usually only think one of three thoughts: 'why am i doing this' or 'just a little farther' or 'you can do this you fat lug' but usually, no thoughts occur, just breathing and pain
wiscot says:

May 4 2016 at 5:07 am

@GoldenGorilla

Gorilla in a Gorilla suit here. No fooling anyone on that. I just settle into my rhythm and I’m good to go for a long time. I don’t even really enjoy the climbs but living in CO does make it a bit difficult to avoid them.

I recently traveled to Chicago and was very surprised that we tipped less than 200m of climbing on an 86 km ride. I think half of that came from riding up onto an overpass and an elevated train track converted to bike path . I don’t have many options from home where I can avoid that on the first 10 km of a ride.

Sounds about right. I go to Chicago regularly and overpasses would be about the biggest "hills" they have. Go to go to southern IL for the hills, but then you're in southern IL . . . just head north to WI and all's good!
mulebeatsdrums says:

May 4 2016 at 8:39 am

Dumoulin sprung to my mind too, especially after his terrific Vuelta effort last year.

I walk a thin line between being a fairly good and not-great grimpeur, depending on what weight I'm at. In 2014, I was 1.78 m and 72 kg, but not training as much as I'd have liked. Then I got married and started training more (and riding to work, on my surprisingly heavy Boardman), and have shifted up to a concerning 85 kg. Some of that is definitely muscle mass, as my guns are in the best shape they've ever been, but equally my mid-section is carrying far more than 18 months ago.

I think if I maintained the level of training I'm at now, and lost a bit of the belly, I could transition into this gorilla-suited climber Frank describes. There's a target for me!