Categories: La Vie VelominatusMusings from the V-BunkerRiding Ugly

The Climber in a Gorilla Suit

The climber in a gorilla suit is a mysterious beast.

There is a force upon this world which governs all manner of voodoo and wizardry. This force ensures the streak in your windshield wiper is always precisely at eye level. It ensures that the phone call goes to voicemail just as you touch the “answer” button. It ensures that a product which you endlessly encountered but did not need will vanish into oblivion the moment it becomes of use.

The more time I spend as a Cyclist, the more apparent it becomes to me that this force also controls which of us are to become good climbers or bad climbers. I will never be a good climber, however much I enjoy it; I am much too big for it. But I climb well enough for my weight because I enjoy the work and the suffering. I enjoy testing to see how far I can push myself.

I see small, powerful riders and I imagine they must go uphill like a whisper on the wind, but when the climb comes, they drift back in the group and disappear down the road the wrong way. The mysterious force has decreed that they shall not be a good climber, especially for their weight.

Most mysterious is the large rider who goes uphill like a beast; they are too big, too heavy, and too strong to defy gravity like the mountain goats do, with none of the grace and fluidity that the true grimpeur holds. Yet they go to the front and heap coals on the fire, sending everyone on their wheel deep into the pain cave. This rider is the Climber in a Gorilla Suit, and they are the sleeper agents of the peloton.

Look out; there likely is one lurking on the group ride tonight.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

hudson says:

May 5 2016 at 9:17 am

@Rusty Gramm

@Sparty

@Jay

I see whats happening here, "lets take the guy from delaware and drag him through the hills" .....sure, i'm down. Gonna need a fair bit of notice to make the trip happen though, I better start chatting up the boss now. Any luck and i can bring some other flatlanders with me.
anthony says:

May 6 2016 at 12:51 am

There is a former team-mate of mine who fits this description very well. Im around 56kg & 1.70m and this SOB must have been 70kg+ and 1.75m but fuck me if he couldn't make me work to keep up with him sometimes. I have seen it in soccer as well. The fucking bowling ball with an extra set of wheels that can run everybody off the God damn Pitch! They are just true athletes. Freaks of beautiful nature. My self well I should be a better climber but Im on the wrong side of 40 and spent too many years fucking off, but I still look fantastic for an old bastard.

P.S. relocating to Seattle from Los Angeles and curios about long climbs in the area. I guess I am asking Frank this.
Teocalli says:

May 6 2016 at 4:19 am

@anthony

There is a former team-mate of mine who fits this description very well. Im around 56kg & 1.70m and this SOB must have been 70kg+ and 1.75m but fuck me if he couldn’t make me work to keep up with him sometimes. I have seen it in soccer as well. The fucking bowling ball with an extra set of wheels that can run everybody off the God damn Pitch! They are just true athletes. Freaks of beautiful nature. My self well I should be a better climber but Im on the wrong side of 40 and spent too many years fucking off, but I still look fantastic for an old bastard.

P.S. relocating to Seattle from Los Angeles and curios about long climbs in the area. I guess I am asking Frank this.

Shit - not sure that 1.75 and 70Kg is really in the TFTC category! A Merckx though 56 KG, what do you eat, grass?
oligali says:

May 6 2016 at 6:10 am

@Teocalli

@anthony

There is a former team-mate of mine who fits this description very well. Im around 56kg & 1.70m and this SOB must have been 70kg+ and 1.75m but fuck me if he couldn’t make me work to keep up with him sometimes. I have seen it in soccer as well. The fucking bowling ball with an extra set of wheels that can run everybody off the God damn Pitch! They are just true athletes. Freaks of beautiful nature. My self well I should be a better climber but Im on the wrong side of 40 and spent too many years fucking off, but I still look fantastic for an old bastard.

P.S. relocating to Seattle from Los Angeles and curios about long climbs in the area. I guess I am asking Frank this.

Shit – not sure that 1.75 and 70Kg is really in the TFTC category! A Merckx though 56 KG, what do you eat, grass?

This was exactly what I thought, being 1.74 and 70 kg I don´t consider myself a bowling ball on wheels. SOB then would probably nail it better.

And I don´t think I´m TFTC but being mid-aged and just plain weak works good enough for me...
RobSandy says:

May 6 2016 at 6:52 am

@Teocalli

@anthony

There is a former team-mate of mine who fits this description very well. Im around 56kg & 1.70m and this SOB must have been 70kg+ and 1.75m but fuck me if he couldn’t make me work to keep up with him sometimes. I have seen it in soccer as well. The fucking bowling ball with an extra set of wheels that can run everybody off the God damn Pitch! They are just true athletes. Freaks of beautiful nature. My self well I should be a better climber but Im on the wrong side of 40 and spent too many years fucking off, but I still look fantastic for an old bastard.

P.S. relocating to Seattle from Los Angeles and curios about long climbs in the area. I guess I am asking Frank this.

Shit – not sure that 1.75 and 70Kg is really in the TFTC category! A Merckx though 56 KG, what do you eat, grass?

Try hauling yourself up a mountain when you're 85kg. Fortunately, I'm strong as fuck...
Teocalli says:

May 6 2016 at 7:46 am

@RobSandy

I think the term you are after is "built like a brick shithouse".

@oligali

Yeah at a spit under 170 and 67-68 kilo I don't think I have excessive excess baggage that would be easy to shed. My problem is that I'm plain old.

That has me thinking, when does one move from having "amazing muscle definition" to "wirey old man"?
oligali says:

May 6 2016 at 8:04 am

@Teocalli

That has me thinking, when does one move from having “amazing muscle definition” to “wirey old man”?

That, amongst other things, lies in the eye of the beholder, I´m afraid.
anthony says:

May 6 2016 at 12:30 pm

@oligali

My bad typo 80kgs not 70kgs sorry bout that boys! He is still fucking way faster than he should be.

P.S i eat beer mostly
Teocalli says:

May 6 2016 at 1:47 pm

@anthony

@oligali

My bad typo 80kgs not 70kgs sorry bout that boys! He is still fucking way faster than he should be.

P.S i eat beer mostly

Phew. I can look in a mirror again.
gilly says:

May 6 2016 at 4:33 pm

@ChrisO

@gilly

I don’t have any mountains close by, but I do have Dartmoor. You learn a lot about yourself climbing on the moor!

You don’t need mountains then.

I’m a pretty good climber because I can sit on a decent power number and hold a good pace. So when I went to visit my son at Exeter university last October and thought I’d take a spin around Dartmoor I mapped out a route and didn’t really look at the profile. OMG.

Forget steady power, it was out-of-the-saddle maximum effort just to keep the bike moving. I can imagine doing those on a regularly basis would require considerable self-reflection.

You're not wrong. Aside from the terrain it's got it's' own micro climate too so I generally dress for the worst of weathers even if I leave home in glorious sunshine