Gunslinger

Keep the guns under cover until it's time to fight.

It is well known that knee warmers look better than leg warmers. Which isn’t to say leg warmers can’t look the business as well, but they will never look as good as knee warmers. The science is very clear on this.

Nevertheless, I’ve been enjoying wearing full leg warmers even when the weather doesn’t necessarily require them. Something about the orange bands getting nice and cozy with my orange Bonts has me mesmerized. But, since they were designed for the Classic V-Kit with the chevrons running along the cuffs, they don’t properly match the VLVV V-Kit. Which presents a small challenge because then the cuffs on the jersey doesn’t match the cuffs on the leg warmers, so that shit needs to be covered up. Which means if I’m riding in that kit with leg warmers, I’m compelled to wear overshoes irrespective of the weather. Which are also orange and also mesmerizing.

This is all very natural, there is nothing mysterious in it.

But what has always been mysterious is how a rider with the kind of impeccable taste, style, and class like Tom Boonen could suffer the indignity of wearing his leg warmers over the legs of his bibs. Everyone knows they go under the bibs and booties, and over the socks. Basic laws of Physics, right there with gravity and e=mc². Tom often wears them properly in training, so it is obvious he understands this. It has, until recently, completely dumbfounded me.

Thanks to me being a strangely obsessive individual with a unjustifiable willingness to ask near-strangers to clarify things that should not be kicking around in anyone’s head in the first place, I have managed to gain clarity on this matter. One evening during the Rouleur Classic at a noisy hotel bar, the question was loudly posed to none other than Chris Juul-Jensen, whose approachable nature made him seem like the right guy to ask. He raised an eyebrow and immediately agreed that it looks completely rubbish and he would never do it himself. But he went on: it turns out that the big boys in the bunch do this as a statement that their race does not start until 50 km from the finish. In a race of 250 kilometers, only the last fifth matters, and it is more important to Look Fantastic on the finish line than on the start line. Particularly if you happen to be the one with their arms in the air. Until then, the gunslingers are just sitting in and trying to stay warm while the domestiques are flogging themselves to bits on the front.

If you’re a gunslinger, and you’re bringing your game to the party, then this is how you tell the wee folk that you’re what’s going to happen.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next An Argument About Gloves »

Previous « Guest Article: Awesome British Women - Beryl Burton

View Comments

osbk67 says:

Jan 28 2016 at 11:34 pm

@Pete

@Buck Rogers

Kudos to Paolini for wearing the same colour leg warmers as knicks. If you need to wear them then they should match.

Two wrongs don't make a right.
PT says:

Jan 29 2016 at 2:30 am

@Buck Rogers

Well fuck, and here I thought class was not using the “C” word around here.

What, Chipollini? Or was it Chiapucci? Surely not Coppi?

Whatever....what the fuck did they ever do to us?
Oli says:

Jan 29 2016 at 4:13 am

@Fred

He's thinning the field with three laps and four hours to go.
wiscot says:

Jan 29 2016 at 5:42 am

I don't know the name of the climb in the lead photo, but isn't it a bit of a tradition that Tommeke "stretches" his legs here and strings out the peloton?

Also, I think Boonen prefers no gloves. Doesn't wear them in Paris-Roubaix. Maybe he believes that he can "feel" the road better? I don't know, I'm just making this stuff up.
Buck Rogers says:

Jan 29 2016 at 6:13 am

@wiscot

I don’t know the name of the climb in the lead photo, but isn’t it a bit of a tradition that Tommeke “stretches” his legs here and strings out the peloton?

Also, I think Boonen prefers no gloves. Doesn’t wear them in Paris-Roubaix. Maybe he believes that he can “feel” the road better? I don’t know, I’m just making this stuff up.

Yeah, the "Hardest" thing in this photo for me is the no gloves. I have always ridden with gloves, it seems so strange to me to go without. Suppose I should try it sometime. Kind of like my helmet.
wiscot says:

Jan 29 2016 at 7:12 am

@Buck Rogers

@wiscot

I don’t know the name of the climb in the lead photo, but isn’t it a bit of a tradition that Tommeke “stretches” his legs here and strings out the peloton?

Also, I think Boonen prefers no gloves. Doesn’t wear them in Paris-Roubaix. Maybe he believes that he can “feel” the road better? I don’t know, I’m just making this stuff up.

Yeah, the “Hardest” thing in this photo for me is the no gloves. I have always ridden with gloves, it seems so strange to me to go without. Suppose I should try it sometime. Kind of like my helmet.

Agreed. For me riding without gloves is like riding without a helmet or leaving the house not wearing a watch. It just feels weird, like something's missing.
chuckp says:

Jan 29 2016 at 8:20 am

@wiscot

@Buck Rogers

Yeah, the “Hardest” thing in this photo for me is the no gloves. I have always ridden with gloves, it seems so strange to me to go without. Suppose I should try it sometime. Kind of like my helmet.

Agreed. For me riding without gloves is like riding without a helmet or leaving the house not wearing a watch. It just feels weird, like something’s missing.

Riding without gloves is all V, hard man, and cool ... until you crash. Been there done that. Not so much fun. When I was still riding sportbikes, one of my mentors always said, "Dress for the crash, not the ride." While bicycles aren't nearly as dangerous as sportbikes, at least when it comes to gloves I abide by that same rule.
Ron says:

Jan 29 2016 at 9:12 am

Can someone please misspell another Italian name? It has been a few posts since that happened.

Wear gloves if you want, or don't wear them. But if you think I'm going to base my estimation of your Vness on that, you're wrong.
chuckp says:

Jan 29 2016 at 9:32 am

@Ron

Can someone please misspell another Italian name? It has been a few posts since that happened.

Bafungu! Which is the Americanized slang and should really be Vaffanculo!
frank says:

Jan 29 2016 at 9:33 am

@Buck Rogers

@Philonius

@Buck Rogers

Paolini.

Of course, that’s just a theory. I personally think that it was Tyler’s unborn twin that used the coke. Of perhaps Contador’s rangy beef???

Solid, 24 karat gold right there!

@DavyMuur

@Philonius

I’m with you on this one. Paoloni is a legend and one of the most individual riders in the peloton. Plus, he’s my excuse for flagrantly breaking Rule #50.

I don't understand how it's possible that he looks so good in that fugly helmet and fugly shades. That is style, my friends.

@Buck Rogers

Well fuck, and here I thought class was not using the “C” word around here.

There are only two situations where its acceptable to call someone a cunt. When they are one, and when they're not.