Gunslinger

Keep the guns under cover until it's time to fight.

It is well known that knee warmers look better than leg warmers. Which isn’t to say leg warmers can’t look the business as well, but they will never look as good as knee warmers. The science is very clear on this.

Nevertheless, I’ve been enjoying wearing full leg warmers even when the weather doesn’t necessarily require them. Something about the orange bands getting nice and cozy with my orange Bonts has me mesmerized. But, since they were designed for the Classic V-Kit with the chevrons running along the cuffs, they don’t properly match the VLVV V-Kit. Which presents a small challenge because then the cuffs on the jersey doesn’t match the cuffs on the leg warmers, so that shit needs to be covered up. Which means if I’m riding in that kit with leg warmers, I’m compelled to wear overshoes irrespective of the weather. Which are also orange and also mesmerizing.

This is all very natural, there is nothing mysterious in it.

But what has always been mysterious is how a rider with the kind of impeccable taste, style, and class like Tom Boonen could suffer the indignity of wearing his leg warmers over the legs of his bibs. Everyone knows they go under the bibs and booties, and over the socks. Basic laws of Physics, right there with gravity and e=mc². Tom often wears them properly in training, so it is obvious he understands this. It has, until recently, completely dumbfounded me.

Thanks to me being a strangely obsessive individual with a unjustifiable willingness to ask near-strangers to clarify things that should not be kicking around in anyone’s head in the first place, I have managed to gain clarity on this matter. One evening during the Rouleur Classic at a noisy hotel bar, the question was loudly posed to none other than Chris Juul-Jensen, whose approachable nature made him seem like the right guy to ask. He raised an eyebrow and immediately agreed that it looks completely rubbish and he would never do it himself. But he went on: it turns out that the big boys in the bunch do this as a statement that their race does not start until 50 km from the finish. In a race of 250 kilometers, only the last fifth matters, and it is more important to Look Fantastic on the finish line than on the start line. Particularly if you happen to be the one with their arms in the air. Until then, the gunslingers are just sitting in and trying to stay warm while the domestiques are flogging themselves to bits on the front.

If you’re a gunslinger, and you’re bringing your game to the party, then this is how you tell the wee folk that you’re what’s going to happen.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Jan 29 2016 at 9:34 am

@Pete

@Buck Rogers

Kudos to Paolini for wearing the same colour leg warmers as knicks. If you need to wear them then they should match.

And be black.

The designer of Katusha kit is obviously colour blind but the D/S is really the one who should be shot for allowing red knicks.

Maybe this is why Paolini got so whacked out… saw his team kit made him look like one of those clowns that get shot out of a cannon in the circus and just couldn’t face it.

I can only assume the safety pin has come from his dealer.

...and a second helping of coffee on the keyboard!
frank says:

Jan 29 2016 at 9:39 am

@osbk67

@Fred

So, why is he on the front with his leg warmers on if “his race hasn’t started yet?”

His may not have started yet, but he can certainly end the race of a few others fighting for the gutter a hundred riders back. That’s where the real gutterbitching goes on…

This....

@Oli

@Fred

He’s thinning the field with three laps and four hours to go.

And this. (Except I think it's Oomloop and no laps...)

@wiscot

I don’t know the name of the climb in the lead photo, but isn’t it a bit of a tradition that Tommeke “stretches” his legs here and strings out the peloton?

Also, I think Boonen prefers no gloves. Doesn’t wear them in Paris-Roubaix. Maybe he believes that he can “feel” the road better? I don’t know, I’m just making this stuff up.

It's the Taaienberg; great little climb with an incredibly smooth gutter and they basically do a sprint to get to the base of the climb in front so they can ride it up. It's short and steep and in the gutter you can pop right up it, but if you are on the stones, it is a real brute.
frank says:

Jan 29 2016 at 9:40 am

@Ron

Can someone please misspell another Italian name? It has been a few posts since that happened.

Wear gloves if you want, or don’t wear them. But if you think I’m going to base my estimation of your Vness on that, you’re wrong.

...and third helping of coffee on the keyboard! What a great morning read this has been.
Buck Rogers says:

Jan 29 2016 at 10:05 am

@Ron

Can someone please misspell another Italian name? It has been a few posts since that happened.

You mean like LeMan and Cappuccino here???
litvi says:

Jan 29 2016 at 2:33 pm

@Ron

Can someone please misspell another Italian name? It has been a few posts since that happened.

You must mean like Tyler Ferrari?

Oh wait... no, he's not Italian. I was thinking of Enzo Farrar

Wait... Shit. Forget it.
pete says:

Jan 29 2016 at 3:31 pm

@PT

@Buck Rogers

Well fuck, and here I thought class was not using the “C” word around here.

What, Chipollini? Or was it Chiapucci? Surely not Coppi?

Whatever….what the fuck did they ever do to us?

I'm a bit slow... are you being ironic by misspelling Choppi?
litvi says:

Jan 29 2016 at 4:06 pm

back on topic... Looking tight.

Option 1:

Option 2:

Take your pick, bitches.
minion says:

Jan 29 2016 at 4:41 pm

@Shane Courtney

The leg warmers over bibs is a track riders thing……. don’t know why, but it is.

BITD rubberised rack skin suits were a ton tighter than the current versions, so the leg warmers would go over for the warmup. Come off at the last minute, when you're about to walk on. Now in indoor tracks they crank the heat up, so warm ups are normally done in less clothing than the riders race in.

Additionally, if you can't remove clothing like shoe covers and leg warmers while riding, you're probably not in the pro peloton. Those riders are normally there for a reason.
PT says:

Jan 29 2016 at 5:28 pm

@pete

@PT

@Buck Rogers

Well fuck, and here I thought class was not using the “C” word around here.

What, Chipollini? Or was it Chiapucci? Surely not Coppi?

Whatever….what the fuck did they ever do to us?

I’m a bit slow… are you being ironic by misspelling Choppi?

You may well be slow but you spotted it. Did you also note my deliberate misspelling of Ciapucchi? Probably.
Pete says:

Jan 29 2016 at 9:34 pm

@PT

I always try and double check my name spelling for typos but I generally misspell something else.

The thing is if you do get somebodies name wrong then you come across as a real chunt.