Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Drink Properly

Minnie Phinney takes a swig. Photo: Pedale.Forchetta

Riding a bicycle involves much more than just pushing the pedals around in a perfect sweep of muscular elegance while Looking Fantastic at all times. There are all sorts of soft skills involved like learning to shift properly, learning to corner properly, learning to crash properly, learning to criticize a fellow rider’s puncture-repair technique, learning to chide a struggling rider in a language you don’t speak, and learning to drink from your bidon¹ while in full flight.

One of the cornerstones of being Casually Deliberate is the art of gracefully sipping from your bidon while riding butt-to-check-to-shoulder-to-elbow in the bunch at 50 kmph or while suffering on the wheels in the gutter. Ain’t no one gonna wait for your sissy ass while you ask everyone to slow down because you’re a bit parched. Whats worse is having to look down and take your eyes off the road and the rider in front of you as your hand flails about in search of the bidon.

To drink from a bidon is to sip from it in a graceful and fluid manner while maintaining direction and speed without making an embarrassing faux pas such as looking down at your hand as you reach for it, not holding your line, slowing down, allowing a bit of precious fluid to escape somewhere other than into your mouth, or – Merckx forbid – dropping it. Just like the art of sensing what gear you’re in or being aware that your tires are about to slip while cornering or climbing, we must learn to retrieve our bidon from its cage, take a drink, and return it without your eyes ever leaving the road or rider in front of you or swerving.

On the rivet, one must also learn to drink in a manner that allows for breathing while avoiding the aspiration of fluid, resulting in what Science calls “choking”. There is no set technique for this; for me I usually drink in frequent small sips, but I will also chug in massive bursts of bidon-crushing squeezes when the occasion calls for it.

As for whether one is to grab the bidon upside down or rightside up, I grab mine rightside up but the population appears to divided along what I call the “Hamburger Divide”. This divide is defined by the inexplicable tendency for people to flip their hamburgers over and lay them upside down on their plate, twisting their hands around, and flipping the burger over during its journey to the mouth where it is (hopefully) eaten. This technique seems woefully rife with superfluous movements. Nevertheless, preliminary survey data suggests that those individuals who eat their burgers this way also grab their bidon upside down. Admittedly, Jan Ullrich made drinking from a bidon in this fashion look hella tough, so I’m not about to impose a new Rule insisting on its abolishment. I’m also betting he made eating a hamburger look pretty awesome, mostly because everything he did was art.

¹Pronounce it correctly: bee’ don

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

vespertine says:

May 2 2014 at 9:24 am

Excuse me, but just what the fuck is all this Bidon pop swankery without mention of the fact that this gentleman is wearing Beats by Dr Dre. It has not gone unnoticed that they are becoming a common sight in situations such as this. I do believe that there is even colour matching going on.

Now if that isn't over matching then there is fuck else that is.

However that is not the worst of it. Just what exactly has a Hip-Producer cashing in on his somewhat dubious past a part Gangster come Blunt Smoking Home Boy associated with Niggers With Attitude got to do with the beautiful history of the sport of cycling?

It has nothing to do with sound quality, any audiophile will tell you that those cans cost a lot of money and sound like you are listening to your tunes through a deep layer of mud.

This must have been brought to your attention before, yet I see no mention of it. Sometimes it takes fresh eyes. So you are welcome. However please refrain from causing me further distress by posting pictures of cyclists come "Homeslices" no matter the point that you are trying to illustrate. Thank You.
cyclebrarian says:

May 2 2014 at 9:54 am

@Haldy

@frank

@Haldy

@wiscot

@Haldy

@frank

@Ccos

Le Professor was the man. Fantastic photo.

Yes, he was. As @Gianni says, if Figgles did it, then it was mucho Pro.

Love this shot too, although I can't understand why he'd be on Canti's on a mountain stage.

Ran out of spare bikes, and broke out a training bike? There is no race number on the bike he's riding....

Because they were lighter and better than the Campagnolo Deltas the other riders are using?

In which case he still could be using the standard calipers, since they still made them? I still think it is some sort of back up bike since it doesn't have a race number on it and he had some sort of mechanical prior to this point of the race.

If it was weight, they'd have ridden Chorus Monoplanars like PDM did - and his training bikes would all have been road bikes; the CX rig would have different geometry, most notably the higher BB. Not to mention that the canti braking power would have been much, much, much reduced over calipers, another thing you'd not want during a mountain descent.

Reduced braking power....isn't that what you want on a descent? After all brakes only slow you down. I seem to remember Fignon having lost it on a descent in the '87 tour and I am pretty sure he had calipers on that day. :-)

All kidding aside, that set up is probably more powerful than standard calipers. Having worked on more than a few set-ups like that myself over the years. If set up correctly (and I am assuming the team mechanic knew what he was doing..) those levers have a greater mechanical advantage than the mountain bike levers those cantis would have been normally paired with.

I love those old school Coke bidons! In fact, I bought this one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007HZYB1K/ref=oh_details_o04_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 on Amazon. I know it's not exactly like the one The Prof is sporting, but...And yes, I took off the top clear plastic thing.
wiscot says:

May 2 2014 at 10:09 am

@unversio

@frank

This is my approach...

Fab Sinatra wearing helmet askew again.

His helmet is not "askew." Fabs is wearing it at a rakish angle.
KW says:

May 2 2014 at 11:41 am

@vespertine

Excuse me, but just what the fuck is all this Bidon pop swankery without mention of the fact that this gentleman is wearing Beats by Dr Dre. It has not gone unnoticed that they are becoming a common sight in situations such as this. I do believe that there is even colour matching going on.

Now if that isn't over matching then there is fuck else that is.

However that is not the worst of it. Just what exactly has a Hip-Producer cashing in on his somewhat dubious past a part Gangster come Blunt Smoking Home Boy associated with Niggers With Attitude got to do with the beautiful history of the sport of cycling?

It has nothing to do with sound quality, any audiophile will tell you that those cans cost a lot of money and sound like you are listening to your tunes through a deep layer of mud.

This must have been brought to your attention before, yet I see no mention of it. Sometimes it takes fresh eyes. So you are welcome. However please refrain from causing me further distress by posting pictures of cyclists come "Homeslices" no matter the point that you are trying to illustrate. Thank You.

Nice rant. I particularly liked the "Bidon pop swankery" part--gave me a good chuckle.
frank says:

May 2 2014 at 12:33 pm

@Buck Rogers

@frank

@Brianold55

@andrew Hi mate. Nothing wrong with thinking. Relatively flabby because its almost winter here my friend. I think Lightening the Fuck Up was what I was advocating.

Love the old pic above

Surely if its almost winter, shouldn't your guns be magnificent, honed and tan from a summer of crushing fools? And if you're coming out the other end of winter, wouldn't your guns would still be honed because you'd be out killing it in Rule #9 conditions or slaving away on the turbo?

Sorry, can't understand why guns should ever be flabby. But to your point, no need to read the hundred or so posts about drinking from a bidon. In fact, no need to even read the article. Especially if this shit doesn't appeal to you.

Hell, we all know that we are only here for the photos. It's like BigRingRiding around here with a bunch if usless text thrown in between the pics!

So what you're saying is Velominati is the exact opposite of Playboy?
Mike_P says:

May 2 2014 at 12:48 pm

@frank

@Mike_P

@frank

But nothing wrong with this one, either:

Flip forward 80 years from when this shot was taken and it could be you and Gianni sat outside the Rapha Club.

This is gonna rule. Can't wait to see my boy Gianni. And @spankles. And my nephew who I have seen in ages who will be making the trip up to NYC from DC.

Hope it goes really well. Have a ball and several beers.
the Engine says:

May 2 2014 at 1:17 pm

@frank

@Haldy

@wiscot

@Haldy

@frank

@Ccos

Le Professor was the man. Fantastic photo.

Yes, he was. As @Gianni says, if Figgles did it, then it was mucho Pro.

Love this shot too, although I can't understand why he'd be on Canti's on a mountain stage.

Ran out of spare bikes, and broke out a training bike? There is no race number on the bike he's riding....

Because they were lighter and better than the Campagnolo Deltas the other riders are using?

In which case he still could be using the standard calipers, since they still made them? I still think it is some sort of back up bike since it doesn't have a race number on it and he had some sort of mechanical prior to this point of the race.

If it was weight, they'd have ridden Chorus Monoplanars like PDM did - and his training bikes would all have been road bikes; the CX rig would have different geometry, most notably the higher BB. Not to mention that the canti braking power would have been much, much, much reduced over calipers, another thing you'd not want during a mountain descent.

Picture has been reviewed elsewhere on the interweb - best I can deduce he thought 1991 era cantis had better stopping power. But then elsewhere on the web it goes on about faked moon landings and black helicopters so I don't really know.
Brianold55 says:

May 2 2014 at 6:07 pm

@frank So you would read Playboy for the articles? I read this stuff for the great photos and odd incisive comment and inspiring, nay beautiful turn of phrase that illuminates a little more the Path to be followed. And probably hard on myself but there is always a difference in my mind between the magnificence my guns should aspire to and where I think they actually are.
Brianold55 says:

May 2 2014 at 6:08 pm

Fuck. Think I clicked reply instead of quote...
Timojhen says:

May 4 2014 at 6:22 pm

@frank enjoyed meeting the four of you. One of the highlights (the highlight?) of a quick NYC trip, especially appreciative since we didn't think we'd get there in time. Regards.