Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Drink Properly

Minnie Phinney takes a swig. Photo: Pedale.Forchetta

Riding a bicycle involves much more than just pushing the pedals around in a perfect sweep of muscular elegance while Looking Fantastic at all times. There are all sorts of soft skills involved like learning to shift properly, learning to corner properly, learning to crash properly, learning to criticize a fellow rider’s puncture-repair technique, learning to chide a struggling rider in a language you don’t speak, and learning to drink from your bidon¹ while in full flight.

One of the cornerstones of being Casually Deliberate is the art of gracefully sipping from your bidon while riding butt-to-check-to-shoulder-to-elbow in the bunch at 50 kmph or while suffering on the wheels in the gutter. Ain’t no one gonna wait for your sissy ass while you ask everyone to slow down because you’re a bit parched. Whats worse is having to look down and take your eyes off the road and the rider in front of you as your hand flails about in search of the bidon.

To drink from a bidon is to sip from it in a graceful and fluid manner while maintaining direction and speed without making an embarrassing faux pas such as looking down at your hand as you reach for it, not holding your line, slowing down, allowing a bit of precious fluid to escape somewhere other than into your mouth, or – Merckx forbid – dropping it. Just like the art of sensing what gear you’re in or being aware that your tires are about to slip while cornering or climbing, we must learn to retrieve our bidon from its cage, take a drink, and return it without your eyes ever leaving the road or rider in front of you or swerving.

On the rivet, one must also learn to drink in a manner that allows for breathing while avoiding the aspiration of fluid, resulting in what Science calls “choking”. There is no set technique for this; for me I usually drink in frequent small sips, but I will also chug in massive bursts of bidon-crushing squeezes when the occasion calls for it.

As for whether one is to grab the bidon upside down or rightside up, I grab mine rightside up but the population appears to divided along what I call the “Hamburger Divide”. This divide is defined by the inexplicable tendency for people to flip their hamburgers over and lay them upside down on their plate, twisting their hands around, and flipping the burger over during its journey to the mouth where it is (hopefully) eaten. This technique seems woefully rife with superfluous movements. Nevertheless, preliminary survey data suggests that those individuals who eat their burgers this way also grab their bidon upside down. Admittedly, Jan Ullrich made drinking from a bidon in this fashion look hella tough, so I’m not about to impose a new Rule insisting on its abolishment. I’m also betting he made eating a hamburger look pretty awesome, mostly because everything he did was art.

¹Pronounce it correctly: bee’ don

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

May 1 2014 at 8:55 am

@Ron

Can "soft skills" cancel out HardMan status?

Or, if executed properly, do they act to enhance each other?

No, soft skills are acquired through our journey towards becoming hardmen and hardwomen. By the time such status is achieved, the rider in question has immaculately cared-for machines, perfect technique, perfect kit, and executes all of it with an air of being Casually Deliberate.
frank says:

May 1 2014 at 8:58 am

@ryecycle

Grab it from the top, flip it, drink it from the side of mouth. I've always done this, and have been poked fun at for it since I can remember. Now I know it was just to allow me to keep my eyes in front, and continue to dish The V (safely).

The guy below is the best picture I could find depicting my style.

Is that a Sriracha bottle?

@bici

but what about his knee-length socks - in black! - and the open zip of his skin suite? Is this according to the rules?

No, its not, although he's obviously taking the piss out of himself with everything he's go going on. Some degree of leeway is also given on account of it being a warmup; once he's on the road he generally Looks Fantastic as All Times.
frank says:

May 1 2014 at 9:02 am

@GogglesPizano

@ChrisO

@JCM

@Hammer

I'm in the bidon swap caste as well.

@sthilzy

To finish drinking properly looking pro, don't forget to jettison the bidon properly;

one must also learn to drink in a manner that allows for breathing while avoiding the aspiration of fluid

This is one thing yet to master.

I wish I had a cleaning crew following me like I do on Haleakala; nothing better than blowing by your DS, VMH, and DS's VMH cheering at the roadside, chucking the bidon as you crawl by at an imperceptible rate of speed and wait for the car to come back up so you can sticky-bottle the next one onto the rig.
frank says:

May 1 2014 at 9:21 am

@piwakawaka

@Teocalli.

On rides long enough to justify two bidons pure water on the down tube and energy drink on the seat tube. For some reason I flip it by chucking in the air (only a little way) and catching it again - always done it that way and never dropped one yet - that's put the mockers on that!

I drink right handed from the down tube and store on the seat tube, I grab the top of the bidon and also throw it up, just enough to catch it around the waist and drink into the side of my mouth.

I almost never drink whilst on the rivet, probably not on it for long enough... There will always be a moment of peace, quick, drink.

This throwing the bidon in the air bizniz has my mind blown. I'm going to need a video in order to comprehend and then pass judgement.

@Geraint

Wow, I'm really not feeling the silver & green Empires & black stockings, especially not with BMC team kit. I originally thought there was a typo in the caption, but on second thoughts it may have been judicious:

I'll fix the spelling when he starts winning. Until then, I'll just be proud that you got the joke.
Steve-o says:

May 1 2014 at 9:22 am

@frank It's good to be the king.
Ccos says:

May 1 2014 at 9:32 am

@frank

@Ron

Can "soft skills" cancel out HardMan status?

Or, if executed properly, do they act to enhance each other?

No, soft skills are acquired through our journey towards becoming hardmen and hardwomen. By the time such status is achieved, the rider in question has immaculately cared-for machines, perfect technique, perfect kit, and executes all of it with an air of being Casually Deliberate.

Soft skills can be faked too. How I long for the days of friction shifting, when by the silence of the shift, you could asses the skill of the cyclist.

Technology can't help you fake the "float" over pave though. No matter what the big S says.
frank says:

May 1 2014 at 10:18 am

@minion

I can't wait for Mini Phinney to start winning something other than fashion-mag-esque posing contests for the cameras, cos when the other foot falls and he learns how to win, it's gonna be on.

(Deluding myself this much is quite unprecedented)

He's a ponce for sure, but I love it. His dad did a lot of legg talking, but he certainly also had a flair for style.

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Souleur says:

May 1 2014 at 10:22 am

@scaler911

Racing Masters sometimes you get newb's in the bunch (when races are not split according to Cat, just age) that can't seem to manage pulling out a bidon, taking a swig, and putting it back without looking down. Gets all squirrely. Proper removal and return of the bidon should be practiced over n over till it's just second nature. It looks Pro, and it keeps everyone around you safe.

That, or you get your buddies to stand at points along the route and just throw it at your face.

yep, thats me, in reality, thankful if I can drink and breath without choking due to the pace

in the ethereal realm of my mind, I would much rather take the Bidon...top first, sit up from my pull of the entire pack as we are souplesse-lee cruising at 50kph....flip the fucker over in mid air, catch it and take but a sip, and throw it back down again til next need....

but no, I'm more the sucker off the back, just glad to get a sip and breath....
Gianni says:

May 1 2014 at 10:30 am

@Buck Rogers

Any chance of Buck showing up in Manny Hattie on Saturday?
Ron says:

May 1 2014 at 10:45 am

@frank

@Ron

Can "soft skills" cancel out HardMan status?

Or, if executed properly, do they act to enhance each other?

No, soft skills are acquired through our journey towards becoming hardmen and hardwomen. By the time such status is achieved, the rider in question has immaculately cared-for machines, perfect technique, perfect kit, and executes all of it with an air of being Casually Deliberate.

Got it! Thank you.