Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Flandrian Best

Hushovd shows his Flandrian Flair, even over the actual Flandrian, Boonen. Photo: Kris Claeyé

To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.

The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.

As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.

Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.

When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.

Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 6:23 pm

@eightzero

For me, form follows functionality. That which is simple almost always performs best. When layers are called for, the warmers are the way to go. I also find a simple rain jacket at least as versitle as a gillet, so I go with the former.
However, when the ride will be long in the cold, and never forecast to be in the shorts category, I go with tights. Yes, they look gross, but I am secure enough in my passion to know that when comfortable, I rider better, harder and further. Tights functionality is unquestionable, and are better at keeping cold away than warmers in certain conditions. Thus, one is able to Dish More V when comfortable. And push comes to shove: Dishing the merckxdamn V is it. And heed the Badger: don't bitch about it either.

This runs contrary to everything Velominati. When you go out to swing your leg over your top tube knowing you look like Hushovd does above and not like some leotard-wearing ice-skater who accidentally found themselves on a bicycle, you will go for a much better ride - and have more fun doing it.

Nothing will make you lay down more of the v than gazing up the road past your cycling cap's brim, with the drops of water from the brim tapping out the rhythm. Then, dropping your chin down to see your legs thrashing away with knickers and shoe covers, inspiring visions of Flandrian Hardness.

If you're after comfort first, I suggest your try your hand at Couch Surfing.
brett says:

Dec 14 2011 at 6:42 pm

Some varying examples from the same race...
RedRanger says:

Dec 14 2011 at 7:01 pm

@brett

Some varying examples from the same race...

The Rabobank rider looks to be spot on. The Leopard rider looks good but I deduct points for the skullcap and his helmet is sitting high and in clear violation of the three-point system, The Lotta rider is in the same violation. the two in the back are whearing tights which is why they are in the back.
mrwiggs says:

Dec 14 2011 at 7:32 pm

@frank
Bless the Velominati. Your response made me feel as giddy as a school girl.
scaler911 says:

Dec 14 2011 at 7:58 pm

@scaler911

@gaswepass

out of sheer contrariness, gonna argue for tights in the real cold (<5c). if its gonna heat up 10+C during the ride, go use your leg warmers if you must. Gotta say, bought several pairs of canari tights w gel chamois- used both to race cross and recently in that ridiculous long/cold road ride. They wick hard, screen wind fairly well, and take some gravel spills without shredding (if you're not falling you're not going for it).
cotton cap in the real cold? really?

Really.
I gotta ask about your handle: are you lactose intolerant or do you work at an Shell station in Oregon?

@all. I'm just fucking with him. He's neither, and probably still at work. Hee!
gaswepass says:

Dec 14 2011 at 8:35 pm

i thought the ice cream incident was a dead issue. damn.
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 8:50 pm

@scaler911
I think @girl might mean this guy?

Check out his shin guards.
RedRanger says:

Dec 14 2011 at 8:53 pm

@frank
I fuckin hate you
eightzero says:

Dec 14 2011 at 9:35 pm

@frank

@eightzero

For me, form follows functionality. That which is simple almost always performs best. When layers are called for, the warmers are the way to go. I also find a simple rain jacket at least as versitle as a gillet, so I go with the former.
However, when the ride will be long in the cold, and never forecast to be in the shorts category, I go with tights. Yes, they look gross, but I am secure enough in my passion to know that when comfortable, I rider better, harder and further. Tights functionality is unquestionable, and are better at keeping cold away than warmers in certain conditions. Thus, one is able to Dish More V when comfortable. And push comes to shove: Dishing the merckxdamn V is it. And heed the Badger: don't bitch about it either.

This runs contrary to everything Velominati. When you go out to swing your leg over your top tube knowing you look like Hushovd does above and not like some leotard-wearing ice-skater who accidentally found themselves on a bicycle, you will go for a much better ride - and have more fun doing it.
Nothing will make you lay down more of The V than gazing up the road past your cycling cap's brim, with the drops of water from the brim tapping out the rhythm. Then, dropping your chin down to see your legs thrashing away with knickers and shoe covers, inspiring visions of Flandrian Hardness.
If you're after comfort first, I suggest your try your hand at Couch Surfing.

I suddenly feel great shame.
itburns says:

Dec 14 2011 at 9:36 pm

Didn't know Chong did triathlons.