Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Flandrian Best

Hushovd shows his Flandrian Flair, even over the actual Flandrian, Boonen. Photo: Kris Claeyé

To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.

The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.

As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.

Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.

When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.

Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:19 am

@al

Sorry Frank but although this site has guided me like a beacon, ...
"forgo jackets" - wtf? it's below freezing and snowing/sleeting over here. All my layers have long sleeves and I'm only trying to figure out how to get more layers on.
"forgo jackets"
nice ...

*sigh*. Have you learned nothing, Pedalwan? Dress however you need to in order to ride. Nevertheless, it's important to understand when you look good, and when you don't. Not looking good is no excuse for not riding, but you should at least be aware of it.

First paragraph, last two sentences:

But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

This is an article in the "Look Pro" series, not about riding in snow or sleet. Time to face facts: you will not Look Pro riding in jackets (with the exception of all-black rain capes to be used only in torrential downpours), woolie hats, or Lobster claws. But, you can still look good. If you must wear a jacket, make sure it's close-fitting, not bulky and loose.

It may also be a good time to remind everyone that Hinault rode in snow and sleet, looked very Pro and Fantastic, and did it without leggings of any kind and just a thick long-sleeve jersey. He also managed this without complaining, I might add.

Everyone's got "their" weather that they feel escuses them from dressing in a way that looks good or using an EMPS. The PWN and the UK has lots of rain and wind (we ride in the cold and snow as well, by the way), the midwest their sub-zero winter temps, the Southwest their heat. Tell yourself whatever you need to to sleep better at night, but whatever choices you make, none of them are an excuse to look good doing it.

If you need a jacket to get out, fine, put on a jacket. I have a cold-weather Assos airblock jersey I use in extreme conditions, but I'm well aware that it represents a hail-mary to get out on the bike, and that it comes at the expense of Looking Pro.

The point is, don't wear a jacket when a LS jersey and gillet will do. Don't wear an LS Jersey when a SS jersey with arm warmers and a vest will do, and so on.
Dashiell says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:21 am

What's that under Thor's helmet? looks dangerously like a skull condom to me..
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:23 am

@Greg

Why is Gilbert not wearing arm warmers then, Frank? Looks to me like gloves, bare arms and knee warmers.

I'll quote again:

But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Gilbert is a repeat offender. There actually is a pre-race photo of him with arm warmers, so he doffed them. He's also wearing a skull cap, which is another offense. He also often wears a cap under his helmet with the brim up, a tertiary offense.

@Dashiell

What's that under Thor's helmet? looks dangerously like a skull condom to me..

I think it might be. I thought it was a backwards cap (which is also suspect) but I think you might be right. Its better that its white as its less obvious. On the other hand, a skull cap is still just...wrong.
mcsqueak says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:26 am

"Not in a box, not on a fox."

Brilliant, Frank. Made me snicker out loud. However, I must depart with your assertion that tights do not look good on fit women at the yoga studio. Perhaps you need your eyeglasses prescription updated?

I break the arm warmer/knee warmer suggestion all the time unfortunately - my core and upper body are much more sensitive to hot/cold than my lower body, so especially during the spring/fall I will strip off of the arm warmers mid-ride but keep the knee warmers on. Partially because they are a bigger pain in the ass to remove (must actually get off of the bike), but my legs just don't feel easily overheated like my arms will, and I must admit I like the supportive tight feel of the knee warmers over my legs.
Cyclops says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:30 am

Well done, Fronk. Sometimes I wonder, since Velominati.com is known to the pro peloton whether guys like Boonen read this stuff and bemusedly shake their heads or if they think "I better Rule 5 it and square my shit away."

By the way, my wife thinks I look pretty sexy in my winter bib tights.
Cyclops says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:30 am

But what does she know?
Bintang says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:32 am

By the way, the links to pictures in the last paragraph ("straight-ankled" and "stirrups") do not work?
Buck Rogers says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:34 am

@Cyclops

Well done, Fronk. Sometimes I wonder, since Velominati.com is known to the pro peloton whether guys like Boonen read this stuff and bemusedly shake their heads or if they think "I better Rule #5 it and square my shit away."

Exactly!

I wonder the same thing and, after my comments on here, I was always looking over my shoulder for a one-nutted, epo-denying, better-late-than-never-steroid-exemption producing ego-maniac driving a truck while riding the Austin Cogal a few weeks ago!
mcsqueak says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:36 am

@Cyclops

But what does she know?

She knew enough to marry a masters cat4 BEFORE he was a masters cat4!

Though the move to Idaho is questionable.
RedRanger says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:38 am

Or do what I do. Wear my summer kit all the time. Actually that not really a good idea. @frank has a much more practical approach.