Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Flandrian Best

Hushovd shows his Flandrian Flair, even over the actual Flandrian, Boonen. Photo: Kris Claeyé

To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.

The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.

As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.

Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.

When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.

Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

mcsqueak says:

Dec 15 2011 at 9:31 pm

@frank

In knickers, not tights, I might add.

Yeah I though you'd appreciate that little detail.
Chris says:

Dec 16 2011 at 3:33 am

@girl

I'll take your word for it and retract my statement that he might be quite handy, no need to actually go and read of his exploits.
Marko says:

Dec 16 2011 at 5:20 am

@frank
You going call Phil Gil a sissy Walloon?
Buck Rogers says:

Dec 16 2011 at 6:10 am

@minion

Anyone want to know what I just did?
Sold my tubular wheels online. Packed and sent this morning.
On TradeMe, NZ's fleabay, I just bought NOS Ambrosio Nemesis rims. 2 for 30 bucks from a local.
Universe is telling me something.

Sure, rub it in! Bastard! Guy doesn't happen to have another set laying around the house, does he?

By the way, congrats on a great deal!
Buck Rogers says:

Dec 16 2011 at 6:13 am

@wiscot

@BikeMechNo3
Remember, in what was quite possibly the greatest example of being a "hardman" in cycling - Bernard Hinault's 1980 win in Liege-Bastogne-Liege, it was so cold and wet that he lost feeling in the tips of several fingers permanently. He was a pro and paid to do what he did. We're not. So I say exercise caution and commonsense when the temps get very low. (I live in WI and will go out when the temps are in the low to mid 20s, but if it's really windy or the roads are shitty, I'm staying put and safe).

Wow, what a GREAT topic for discussion: what was the greatest single example of being a hardman in cycling history. I need to think about that one for a while but definitely worthy of more discussion!
Ron says:

Dec 16 2011 at 6:42 am

This discussion & this time of year have me kind of annoyed that it's going to be 67*F here today - I'd like some cold rain and road grit, please!

Coming from the NE U.S. I find it completely unacceptable to be sunny and warm in mid-December. Not a huge Christmas fan, but jeeze, some snow and cold might help me get in the spirit.

Well damnit, Anjin-san, I had just whittled down my "bike wants" list & you put up that rain cape. That would be sweet to have for really wet days. And I want the gilet as well. Thanks. I'm trying to not spend money on new bike gear. But, it's just so damn nice to have the perfect gear for the conditions.
Souleur says:

Dec 16 2011 at 6:50 am

@Buck Rogers

@wiscot

@BikeMechNo3Remember, in what was quite possibly the greatest example of being a "hardman" in cycling - Bernard Hinault's 1980 win in Liege-Bastogne-Liege, it was so cold and wet that he lost feeling in the tips of several fingers permanently. He was a pro and paid to do what he did. We're not. So I say exercise caution and commonsense when the temps get very low. (I live in WI and will go out when the temps are in the low to mid 20s, but if it's really windy or the roads are shitty, I'm staying put and safe).

Wow, what a GREAT topic for discussion: what was the greatest single example of being a hardman in cycling history. I need to think about that one for a while but definitely worthy of more discussion!

great one, i submit the easy...Andy Hampstens pass over Gavia in 88.

but, i also reserve the right to sit and drink another espresso remembering the harder ones in the distant past that we simply don't remember, like Bartali's rides, Gaul's...et al.
wiscot says:

Dec 16 2011 at 7:40 am

@Souleur
Yup, a few articles worthy of writing up. I'll be happy to take a stab at them. While Hampsten's ride was epic, it was part of a stage race and, I think, but I'll check, the stage was shortened. Hinault's L-B-L was full length (approx 260 kms). He attacked 80kms from the finish and won by 10 minutes.

I guess we connect more to Hampsten and Hinault's rides as there is some TV coverage still extant and they happened during (most) of our lifetimes.
wiscot says:

Dec 16 2011 at 7:42 am

@Ron

This discussion & this time of year have me kind of annoyed that it's going to be 67*F here today - I'd like some cold rain and road grit, please!
Coming from the NE U.S. I find it completely unacceptable to be sunny and warm in mid-December. Not a huge Christmas fan, but jeeze, some snow and cold might help me get in the spirit.

Ron, our high in WI will be 33 tomorrow. Happy to swap that for your 67 degrees. Please send by overnight FedEx!
Buck Rogers says:

Dec 16 2011 at 8:33 am

@Souleur
Definitely worthy, in my short memory, and in my opinion. Still one of my very recent favorites has to be K-B-K when Ian stannard took third. But that is very recent. Really need to start combing the books and find some great older ones. We need Oli to weigh in on this one!!! But such a cool topic. I, also, will hit the expresso and contemplate this one!