Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Flandrian Best

Hushovd shows his Flandrian Flair, even over the actual Flandrian, Boonen. Photo: Kris Claeyé

To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.

The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.

As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.

Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.

When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.

Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next In Memoriam: Unsafe Headgear »

Previous « Guest Article: Just give me something - something I can use

View Comments

frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:40 am

@mcsqueak

"Not in a box, not on a fox."
I must depart with your assertion that tights do not look good on fit women at the yoga studio. Perhaps you need your eyeglasses prescription updated?

I break the arm warmer/knee warmer suggestion all the time unfortunately - my core and upper body are much more sensitive to hot/cold than my lower body, so especially during the spring/fall I will strip off of the arm warmers mid-ride but keep the knee warmers on. Partially because they are a bigger pain in the ass to remove (must actually get off of the bike), but my legs just don't feel easily overheated like my arms will, and I must admit I like the supportive tight feel of the knee warmers over my legs.

That's common - just shove the arm warmers down to the wrists and you're still in compliance. That's why they're designed the way they are. No need to take them off completely.

For example:

As for the Yoga thing, a quick Google Image Search (if apprehensive) turned up this evidence. The tights just don't flatter the legs, while the knickers at the back do.
Cyclops says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:47 am

I wonder if Big George get a discount on Hincapie stuff?
mcsqueak says:

Dec 14 2011 at 10:56 am

@frank

Ugh, I hate bunched down armwarmers. Hate. I remove them as soon as possible, or hope I get to the top and get cold again so I can push them back up. Dunno why I don't like them.

This past year I've been much more into using a LS base layer under a SS jersey. Not as flexible since it's harder to remove, but the material is much thinner so my arms don't overheat as fast and I don't feel the need to remove them. I'll use arm warmers on days where I know it'll get warmer and I'll want to remove them and pack them away for the rest of the ride.

And touchÃ© on your brave Google image search. I had assumed you were also dismissing knick tights as well as the long ones. Yes, the knicks are clearly superior when put in direct comparison to the tights.
DerHoggz says:

Dec 14 2011 at 11:08 am

He really loves branding his name very largely, looks ridiclous.
Steve Wilson says:

Dec 14 2011 at 11:11 am

I dont golf much and Im pretty bad at it. I was told by a really good golfer that its OK to suck if you can look good doing it, have nice gear and golf quickly not slowing others down. I ride a lot and while I work at it am not that great at it either. So same applies: I can look good doing it, have nice gear and not slow others down. Courtesy and respect both go a long way no matter what your doing.
Steve Wilson says:

Dec 14 2011 at 11:15 am

@Buck Rogers

F&*k'ing Boom without gloves. Now THAT's hardcore!

Yes hardcore. Until youre scraping along riding the pave on your bare palms and knuckles. I guess not wearing gloves says quite loudly how you feel about your bike handling skills.
Oli says:

Dec 14 2011 at 11:31 am

@frank
You found it then?
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 11:39 am

@Oli

@frank
You found it then?

Ha, actually - no, I didn't. I did find a few from the same day (Tirreno, evidently) but not the one I was looking for. The quest goes on.

@mcsqueak
Marko says:

Dec 14 2011 at 11:39 am

Of course Thor looks like a badass, he's a Viking. Vikings are badasses, period. As far as tights go, I wear them when it's -5c or colder. Kneewarmers just don't cut it when it's colder than that. A. Because they're not thick enough, B. Because they don't keep the neighborhood warm for the boys. It may not be pro, but then again I don't see a lot of pros when it gets that cold.
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 11:45 am

@Steve Wilson

I dont golf much and Im pretty bad at it. I was told by a really good golfer that its OK to suck if you can look good doing it, have nice gear and golf quickly not slowing others down. I ride a lot and while I work at it am not that great at it either. So same applies: I can look good doing it, have nice gear and not slow others down. Courtesy and respect both go a long way no matter what your doing.

Roger that, mate. Well put. Or, as @Jarvis says, "I'd rather be crap and look good that be good and look crap. But I try to be both."