Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Flandrian Best

Hushovd shows his Flandrian Flair, even over the actual Flandrian, Boonen. Photo: Kris Claeyé

To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.

The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.

As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.

Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.

When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.

Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 11:57 am

@Dashiell

What's that under Thor's helmet? looks dangerously like a skull condom to me..

So it is. Two hardness demerits.
paolo says:

Dec 14 2011 at 12:01 pm

ermmm I think you messed that quote up Frank. ( Isn't it great how everyone jumps on your shit first chance they get )

I'm pretty lucky since here in So Cal winter gear is a base layer, arm/knee warmers and a gillet. And thats on a really bad day. Anyhow great article. This is what I have been saying of late. Looking good matters and it's an endless fascinating debate as to what constitues looking good.

Personally I think bunched arm warmers are a disgrace to mankind and a fau pas of epic proportions.

It's good to be reminded that the Pros don't always get it right, it makes them more human.
zalamanda says:

Dec 14 2011 at 12:01 pm

frahnk quoting Dr Seuss's 'Fox in Socks' I like it, shows that some of you Yanx have a sense of humour. However you haven't mentioned where Van Hooydonck's come in this wintry post. I agree with Marko, when the Hg drops to zero its tights for me, legwarmers just don't cut it. Can you do tricks with bricks?
wrench says:

Dec 14 2011 at 12:03 pm

Am I in violation of Rule #21 if I wear a traditional cap the entire season? I'm bald and would like to protect myself from all the elements yet, fear breaking the rules..
paolo says:

Dec 14 2011 at 12:03 pm

Frank, I have a question for you. Little skull caps for the summer with a sweat band built in. Acceptable or no? As one who lives in a hot climate and has a baldy bonce I find them invaluable and they can't really be seen under the helmet. Of course when I stop the cap is removed immediately with the helmet...I'm not a complete idiot.
razmaspaz says:

Dec 14 2011 at 12:15 pm

@mcsqueak

However, I must depart with your assertion that tights do not look good on fit women at the yoga studio. Perhaps you need your eyeglasses prescription updated?

Agreed. Can't say I spend much time in a Yoga studio, but this is not only a genuine exception to the tights rule, it should meet with an exception to Rule #22 variants, wherein fit women in Yoga tights can wear them wherever they damn well please.

@frank
I think your reference offense falls into a grey area between pants and tights, those particular leggings do not make a full stop at the ankle, but rather muddy the waters with a flare at the base. A more traditional tighted look may make for a better comparison. That said, I will concede that the knickers look a degree more flattering.
Greg says:

Dec 14 2011 at 12:26 pm

@Frank

Apologies. Apparently my reading skills are not up to par. I shall take great care in future to read and re-read before posting!
Souleur says:

Dec 14 2011 at 12:37 pm

great one yet again frank

Its a tough one this time of the year, but hey, thats why we're here...right. Its raining out, 55* and i can't wait to get out when i am done here, because this is hot this time of the year here.

Ever since donning the arm warmers and knee warmers, i promise you will never go back. I got the full leggins, but agree, its december, i have rode into the teens to work and not donned the full leggins yet, but will prob in january.

Nothing looks better than armwarmers pulled back to taste, and i may disagree w/mcsqueak here, i love the ability to vary the temp w/the arm warmers.

But, i will also be clear, my current pair of knee warmers are Craft, and i promise, if these fuckers fall down one more time i am throwing them away. Do any of you have the same problem. I has pearl izumis and upgraded to the nordics but these things aren't worth starting a fire over. Thus, nothing is worse than a pair that are falling down, like your condom analogy, thats a bad bad thing fella's.

as to paolo, not to speak before frank, but only because i peek in once a day or so, but you ask can you wear a headband in summer. I am glad you take interest in this, because wearing a headband is seriously not PRO. Its akin to walking into your local pub in a blue leisure suit, a nice pot gut, white belt and white suede shoes...you cannot pull it off, so please don't even try. I sweat enough, that seriously, my ritchey bars last year eroded where the ergo lever clamp clamped, the alloy disolved from 3 years of sweat running down my hands over this sucker, so i sweat, and use no head band. Just used your water bottle, drench yourself every now and then and repeat as needed. Its even better if you pull back to the innocent passer byer, hang onto their mirror and ask for another water bottle in exchange.
paolo says:

Dec 14 2011 at 12:43 pm

@paolo

Frank, I have a question for you. Little skull caps for the summer with a sweat band built in. Acceptable or no? As one who lives in a hot climate and has a baldy bonce I find them invaluable and they can't really be seen under the helmet. Of course when I stop the cap is removed immediately with the helmet...I'm not a complete idiot.

Cheers Souler....please improve upon your reading skillzzzzz.
anotherdownunder says:

Dec 14 2011 at 12:43 pm

So true on so many levels but totally, totally agree on not wearing knee warmers unless wearing arm warmers, it is just how it must be.

Pet hate is triafletes riding on Beach Road in a sleeveless jersey and leg/knee warmers.

I am gathering it is getting cold and wet on your side of the planet, the weather here just gets better and better.

Good article Frank.