Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Flandrian Best

Hushovd shows his Flandrian Flair, even over the actual Flandrian, Boonen. Photo: Kris Claeyé

To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.

The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.

As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.

Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.

When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.

Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 1:51 pm

@wrench

Am I in violation of Rule #21 if I wear a traditional cap the entire season? I'm bald and would like to protect myself from all the elements yet, fear breaking the rules..

Na, skin cancer is a perfectly good reason to wear a cap. Bretto does it, too - hence the statement, "While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons".

You're good, mate. We wouldn't want you to get a melanoma and then win the VSP in your recovery.

@paolo

Frank, I have a question for you. Little skull caps for the summer with a sweat band built in. Acceptable or no? As one who lives in a hot climate and has a baldy bonce I find them invaluable and they can't really be seen under the helmet. Of course when I stop the cap is removed immediately with the helmet...I'm not a complete idiot.

The short answer is, FUCK NO. The more complicated answer is, well - I've seen Gianni pull it off, so I'm suspect that it might be acceptable given the above criteria.

The sweatbands are handy, especially in the heat, but too ugly to be appropriate. I cut mine down and velcro'd it inside my MTB helmet. You can't see it and it still keeps the sweat out of your eyes. I'm a fuckin' genius, though. I wouldn't expect others to come up with such wildly brilliant plan.
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 2:09 pm

@girl, @paolo
I beg to differ. They are exempt from looking like Pro Road Cyclists, but they are not exempt from Looking Fantastic. Just because you have to ride in your speedo doesn't mean you shouldn't try hard to look good doing it.

@RedRanger
The color is garish, but those are Open PavÃ©s and the Hardman's Second Choice (after FMB P-R's, equally garishly colored); provided you're riding on the cobbles (which Thor is) you are allowed to ride them with no Rule 8 Demerits.
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 2:18 pm

@Oli

How does a cotton cycling cap with the brim cut off fit in? They are awesome for sweat retention and dissipation and temperature regulation, plus they are not a skullcap.

All good. It's a cycling cap. You can do anything with those and still be good. Even cut the top open and turn it into a visor.

@Pedale.Forchetta

At the Lombardia in October...

It doesn't count when it's you behind the camera. You can make anything look good.

it should noted that Pros wear long leg warmers pre-race start to keep warmed up. I think that's what we're seeing, though I admit these do not look bad.
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 2:27 pm

@Pedale.Forchetta
It should also be noted that the key difference between Boonen's wearing of the tights versus your rider is that the socks are pulled OVER the leggings, whereas Boonen pulled the tights over his overshoes, which is just wrong, wrong wrong.

Very disappointing - Boonen is normally such a beacon of style. I'll repeat my warning: tread carefully, even the most reliable aesthetes make mistakes from time to time.
TommyTubolare says:

Dec 14 2011 at 2:27 pm

@RedRanger

It's a fucking good tire though especially for the current season-tubular only I will add.In terms of color Boonen tire looks better IMO.Lime green in the middle and black side walls.
paolo says:

Dec 14 2011 at 2:29 pm

@ All. I never metioned a headband or a sweatband. Not once. I'm saying some of those skull caps have a little one built in. The only person on a bike who could wear a head/sweat band was The Professure.

( ps I would go with the cap but they can be too hot. I have seen the cap backwards with the brim pointing out of the back which I am sure is all kinds of wrong but it actually looked good).
paolo says:

Dec 14 2011 at 2:31 pm

I mean with a helmet and the brim of the cap pointing out of the back of the helmet...Actually now I think about it that should be quiet acceptable. Hmmm maybe I should ditch the skull cap.
Buck Rogers says:

Dec 14 2011 at 2:33 pm

@Souleur

Nothing looks better than arm warmers pulled back to taste, and i may disagree w/mcsqueak here, i love the ability to vary the temp w/the arm warmers.
But, i will also be clear, my current pair of knee warmers are Craft, and i promise, if these fuckers fall down one more time i am throwing them away. Do any of you have the same problem. I has pearl izumis and upgraded to the nordics but these things aren't worth starting a fire over. Thus, nothing is worse than a pair that are falling down, like your condom analogy, thats a bad bad thing fella's.
.

My Pearl Izumi knee warmers are ALWAYS falling down! Drives me crazy! I know one way to fix this is to get bigger guns but, at least for now, they are nothing but an irritant and I just go with the knickers. Never seemed to (purposefully) remove them anyways on cold rides. Arm warmers I pull down onto the wrists but the knee warmers, once on, and if they'll stay up, always are left in place for the ride. Hate stopping to remove them. Disrupts the whole rhyth of the rid ein my opinion.
marcus says:

Dec 14 2011 at 2:35 pm

@frank

@girl, @paoloI beg to differ. They are exempt from looking like Pro Road Cyclists, but they are not exempt from Looking Fantastic. Just because you have to ride in your speedo doesn't mean you shouldn't try hard to look good doing it.
Demerits.

They are called Speedos not Speedo - just another Australian story.

But calling them budgie smugglers is funnier.
eightzero says:

Dec 14 2011 at 2:38 pm

For me, form follows functionality. That which is simple almost always performs best. When layers are called for, the warmers are the way to go. I also find a simple rain jacket at least as versitle as a gillet, so I go with the former.

However, when the ride will be long in the cold, and never forecast to be in the shorts category, I go with tights. Yes, they look gross, but I am secure enough in my passion to know that when comfortable, I rider better, harder and further. Tights functionality is unquestionable, and are better at keeping cold away than warmers in certain conditions. Thus, one is able to Dish More V when comfortable. And push comes to shove: Dishing the merckxdamn V is it. And heed the Badger: don't bitch about it either.