Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Flandrian Best

Hushovd shows his Flandrian Flair, even over the actual Flandrian, Boonen. Photo: Kris Claeyé

To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.

The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.

As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.

Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.

When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.

Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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doubleR says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:01 pm

@paolo

@doubleR
Ha ha yeah I know what a joke that is mate. Dead friendly in the LB with the emphasis on dead. I work near there at one of those huge oil refineries near the docks. Sgt is hoping to organize a cogal sometime in Spring of 2012 hopefully we can all meet up.

I work in the port myself, probably just a few miles from you as I write this. Yeah, a SoCal Cogal next year would be way cool.....
TommyTubolare says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:07 pm

@Frank

Open Paves are clinchers.Those are just Paves.
jimmy says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:08 pm

@paolo

@ All. I never metioned a headband or a sweatband. Not once. I'm saying some of those skull caps have a little one built in. The only person on a bike who could wear a head/sweat band was The Professure.
( ps I would go with the cap but they can be too hot. I have seen the cap backwards with the brim pointing out of the back which I am sure is all kinds of wrong but it actually looked good).

Some headbands to consider:
Riddle of Steel says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:17 pm

I tend to agree with most of the points here- in fact, in cooler or wet weather, I tend to forgo the knee warmers, and just stick to bibs with a long-sleeve jersey. I'm pretty impervious to cold, and I kind of like the sting of cold air/rain on the guns.

However, where I live it was -10 degrees on Sunday morning, and climbed up to a balmy -5 without the windchill. In those situations, you're really not going to be dropping layers, so I tend to go with full tights, not to mention balaclava, booties and lobster mitts. At a certain point, aesthetics become somewhat secondary.

My problem tends to be heat. There gets to be an upper limit where it doesn't matter if I have the lightest, most wicking kit, I'm going to start seeing fireflies during the daytime (it doesn't help that being a baldy, like some of the other commenters here, I wear a head covering of some sort when I'm out in the sun, to prevent melanoma, tiger stripes, etc.)
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:20 pm

@Nate

@paolo
I've never had problems with knee warmers falling down "” good experiences with Capo and Rapha.
I will also add, as no one else has mentioned it: Big fan of ditching the knee warmers in the cool and damp in favor of a nice layer of embro and thermal (e.g. Roubaix lined) bibshorts. Soggy knee warmers are worse than useless.
Arm warmers on the other hand are a problem for me, although I use them a lot. My arms are on the grimpeurish side so the warmers are too wide at the top and don't stay all the way up. Anyone have a recommendation?

Yes, wool kneekers and wool arm warmers. My smartwools are great at staying up on my arms which are become more pinner by the day, a fact I'm proud of. I started with XL OTR arm warmers which fit most comfortably, then went to L, and may need to go to M for the same reason. My Smartwools have stood the test of time, on the other hand, and stayed in place through it all.

As for wet kneekers being worse than useless: wool. Wet, dry, or indifferent - always good.
Ron says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:22 pm

Wow, I love crochet gloves! Would like to pick up some nice, quality ones that aren't too expensive. Gonna have to do some searchin'.
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:22 pm

@TommyTubolare

@Nate
Cobbles do not blend well with deep carbon rims.

Fixed your post. Don't think its the tires that are the problem here, mate. Its the lack of box-section rims and 3x spoke pattern that is at the root of it.
marcus says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:26 pm

@frank
M arm warmers on your orangutan arms would be elbow warmers at best.
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:26 pm

@jimmy
I'll just quote @paolo:

The only person on a bike who could wear a head/sweat band was The Professure.

@Greg

@Frank
Apologies. Apparently my reading skills are not up to par. I shall take great care in future to read and re-read before posting!

If you improved your reading skills, then I wouldn't be able to deploy my "condescending paste what I already said" skills. Its a sacred Dutch art, and I'm happy to have the chance to keep using it.
Dr C says:

Dec 14 2011 at 3:27 pm

@frank
Beautiful Fronk, a Dr Seuss fan as well as a Jedi, I'm impressed

Must say, this is one of my favourite articles to date, I have tittered, then squirmed uncomfortably, then tittered again

I wondered why I always look like a dog's dinner in my tights, helped a bit by wearing shorts over them, but ureka, you have just squared my circle for me (mmmmm, that doesn't sound quite right) - I need to get jiggy with the knee warmers

I got some arm warmers during the late summer, and thought I looked friggin cool in them, and they work, but the legs just look all wrong - except when I'm wearing overshoes, but that is because the line of the bottom end is lost

You have made more of a science of this than my MD did of the human body - chapeau

Can't wait to don the knee warmers, which shall of course be of the same brand exactly, as the arm warmers

On the subject of jackets, the big one I bought for commuting looks shite, the small stowaway windbreaker looks awesome

Glad I got the winter hat right first time (skull cap just went over my left shoulder into wastebin)

I think I am nearly there!