To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.
Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.
The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.
As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.
Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.
When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.
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Another great piece, very amusing!
I may however need to reconsider some of my winter riding attire.....
Uh, Boonen's a Walloon--not a Flandrian, which is perhaps why it's OK for him to wear tights.
@Rich
Gilbert is the Walloon - Tomeke is was born in Mol, and lived in Balen, both in North Flanders.
That aside - being a Waloon is no excuse for tights, please note Gilbert in the background.
Sorry Frank but although this site has guided me like a beacon, ...
"forgo jackets" - wtf? it's below freezing and snowing/sleeting over here. All my layers have long sleeves and I'm only trying to figure out how to get more layers on.
"forgo jackets"
nice ...
So no rain jackets and/or windstoppers?
"Dutchman with Belgian aspirations". That is an awesome line, though I would have said "Flemish aspirations". I HAVE to use that on may Dutch in-laws. Nothing bothers them more than not being able to measure up to the Flemish Hardness Scale (FHS).
Chapeau Frank... apostrophetically perfect I think.
You only lose marks for being semi-American.
Apparently the concept of offence/offense licence/license with one being a noun and the other a verb is too difficult, but that's not your fault. Carry on...
Why is Gilbert not wearing arm warmers then, Frank? Looks to me like gloves, bare arms and knee warmers.
Dear Mr Gilbert, please "Maintain order; if it's cold enough for knee warmers, it's cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers." Thank you.
F&*k'ing Boom without gloves. Now THAT's hardcore!
"while Gilbert, if I'm not mistaken, is smirking - apparently at Boonen's choice"
Classic!