Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Flandrian Best

Hushovd shows his Flandrian Flair, even over the actual Flandrian, Boonen. Photo: Kris Claeyé

To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.

The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.

As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.

Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.

When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.

Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

TommyTubolare says:

Dec 14 2011 at 4:00 pm

@Nate

Look mate or Nate.Frank referred to Open Paves as Hardman's Second Choice for the cobbles.I don't think any hardman rides on clinchers,especially on the cobbles hence my comment.And yes they're lime green.I'm sure you've seen a lime skin color.If not buy a lime and a tire and compare.But which tire are you going to buy?Hardmen tire for sure.
wiscot says:

Dec 14 2011 at 4:10 pm

Gotta chine in here. Big TB fan, but the blue leggings are awful. Knee or leg warmers should be black. If full leg, then overshoes must be black. Colored overshoes can be work with knee warmers if they match the rest of the kit. For gross violations of this rule see pix of Astana in training camp.

As far as temps go, I'd imagine most spring classics are run in 40+ degrees F. Full tights should be unnecessary. When the temps and wind chill are in the teens or 20s, I'm going full tights, I don't care what anyone says. If they fit really well, are all black, and matched with black overshoes, thus giving a totally seamless black lower half, they're all good.

That Farnese Vini rider is deliberately uncool. The socks are too long and to point this out by pulling them over the leg warmers is just unforgivable, Italian or not.

I guess the important thing is, try to look as good as possible, stay as warm/dry as possible, but just make sure you're riding.
jimmy says:

Dec 14 2011 at 4:11 pm

@wiscot

@jimmy
Phil is laughing because LF's headband looks like shit. His cap-over-the-helmet is PRO. Frankly, headbands always look wanky except on Bjorn Borg, as illustrated.

This hat doesn't look so Pro over the hairnet. Even though it's Flemish.
frank says:

Dec 14 2011 at 4:23 pm

@TommyTubolare

@Nate
Look mate or Nate.Frank referred to Open Paves as Hardman's Second Choice for the cobbles.I don't think any hardman rides on clinchers,especially on the cobbles hence my comment.And yes they're lime green.I'm sure you've seen a lime skin color.If not buy a lime and a tire and compare.But which tire are you going to buy?Hardmen tire for sure.

My mistake - slip of the finger. The are PavÃ©s - not Open PavÃ©s. No sane Pro would ever think to ride clinchers on cobbles.
wiscot says:

Dec 14 2011 at 4:44 pm

@jimmy
Jimmy, you are spot on. That 'hat" looks like a knit condom and just because something says "flanders" on it, sure doesn't make it so.
scaler911 says:

Dec 14 2011 at 5:26 pm

NIce article. I go mostly knee warmer with some vaseline on the calfs unless it gets good and cold, then sometimes can't avoid the leg warmers or, rarely, Sugoi tights.
Nate says:

Dec 14 2011 at 5:44 pm

@TommyTubolare
I know what a lime looks like. I also know what the green of a Vittoria Pave looks like; in fact, there are some in my garage right now. They are not the same color.
girl says:

Dec 14 2011 at 6:01 pm

@marcus

@frank

@girl, @paoloI beg to differ. They are exempt from looking like Pro Road Cyclists, but they are not exempt from Looking Fantastic. Just because you have to ride in your speedo doesn't mean you shouldn't try hard to look good doing it.
Demerits.

They are called Speedos not Speedo - just another Australian story.
But calling them budgie smugglers is funnier.

There is a guy (hairy mammoth) in Australia that does Ironman in fluoro budgie smugglers. Poorest example of a triathlete. I'd link a picture but I, and I am sure you do, value your retinas.
scaler911 says:

Dec 14 2011 at 6:18 pm

@gaswepass

out of sheer contrariness, gonna argue for tights in the real cold (<5c). if its gonna heat up 10+C during the ride, go use your leg warmers if you must. Gotta say, bought several pairs of canari tights w gel chamois- used both to race cross and recently in that ridiculous long/cold road ride. They wick hard, screen wind fairly well, and take some gravel spills without shredding (if you're not falling you're not going for it).
cotton cap in the real cold? really?

Really.
I gotta ask about your handle: are you lactose intolerant or do you work at an Shell station in Oregon?
scaler911 says:

Dec 14 2011 at 6:19 pm

@girl

@marcus

@frank

@girl, @paoloI beg to differ. They are exempt from looking like Pro Road Cyclists, but they are not exempt from Looking Fantastic. Just because you have to ride in your speedo doesn't mean you shouldn't try hard to look good doing it.
Demerits.

They are called Speedos not Speedo - just another Australian story.
But calling them budgie smugglers is funnier.

There is a guy (hairy mammoth) in Australia that does Ironman in fluoro budgie smugglers. Poorest example of a triathlete. I'd link a picture but I, and I am sure you do, value your retinas.

Thank you. Please don't. A hairy tri-geek!!??!! Yikes........