Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro: Flandrian Best

Hushovd shows his Flandrian Flair, even over the actual Flandrian, Boonen. Photo: Kris Claeyé

To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.

Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.

The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.

As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.

Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.

When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.

Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Nate says:

Dec 15 2011 at 5:19 pm

@redranger
Ah. I have never seen such hairy road grid.
redranger says:

Dec 15 2011 at 5:21 pm

@frank

@scaler911

@frank
I'm disappointed you even knew how to find that image sir. Damn you!

About a year ago, I was researching (I know, I'm not supposed to do that per my model) an elaborate Rule #42 explanation and my googling turned him up. He's never left me, for obvious reasons. Hence, when @girl mentioned a hairy dude tritard, I went for the jugular.
It was remarkably hard to find, actually.

ha!!!
frank says:

Dec 15 2011 at 5:22 pm

@Souleur

@ BuckRogers: two thumbs up
@bikemech3: just over the state line here in the ozarks, and yes, you have the wind, but we share the temps, like with wiscot, he probably has it colder in fact.
I submit you can look PRO, ride in cold and be smart all at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive goals. Consider, if its in the single digits out there, no lame brain will go out in embro and shorts or knickers only. Its a base layer up and down, roubaix fabriced goods and a jacket w/glove et al. But, you can do that and get an 1-2 hr ride in safely, with the wind and all. Last year my coldest ride was single digits, and wind chill/ride temp creeping down to -20. Point being, keep it safe.
We are all here, the keepers, very religious. Fervent. Legalists. But, also note, there are a few of us freaks that are here that break the rules, thus the need for pentance, atonement and acenting to the higher levels of PRO.

Very well put. And also note, if you're out riding, good on ya. Period. You just might not look like a Pro. And, as another note, this article is on dressing in your Flandrian Best, not about dressing for fucking winter or snow.

If you can layer instead of a jacket, do it. If you can do knickers instead of tights, do it. If not, chuck that shit on and get out on the bike. Just realize you're not looking like a Flandrian. But Flandrians don't ride in the snow (usually).
frank says:

Dec 15 2011 at 5:26 pm

@Anjin-san

What is the Velominati ruling on the Shower Pass Pro Tech ST? Any rule violation there? As a lightweight rain/wind jack made of a breathable material it works really well.
http://www.showerspass.com/catalog/men/mens-jackets/pro-tech-st

VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY FUCKING PRO. Steve Bauer used to race in one of those. Class act. Looked fantastic. The clear racing cape has taken a back seat to the black ones, but its still a great piece.

@G'rilla
+1.
mcsqueak says:

Dec 15 2011 at 5:28 pm

@redranger

Front flats are scary... I had one the other month, and when I went to turn I could feel my tube and tire starting to roll onto the side of my rim! Thankfully I was going slow (had missed a turn and was just going to do a u-turn on a side street to get back on track) and was not flying down a 400m hill like I had been an hour earlier.

Awesome how you were offered bus fair by the homeless gent! Good karma for sure... probably because you were looking PRO.
frank says:

Dec 15 2011 at 5:29 pm

@mcsqueak

Hopefully this makes up for the picture of Marcus' hairy, tan cousin running a triathlon.
One kickass Olympian, Victoria Pendleton:

You're welcome.

In knickers, not tights, I might add.
frank says:

Dec 15 2011 at 5:37 pm

@redranger

@Nate
My guess its road grit. and I assume he meant grit-covered and not grid-covered.

This.

@Nate

@redranger
Ah. I have never seen such hairy road grid.

Really? Do you really - REALLY - think I don't shave my legs on a daily basis? I refuse to ever leave the house with even the slightest hint of leg stubble.
Nate says:

Dec 15 2011 at 5:51 pm

@frank
That's a relief, otherwise I was prepared to have a crisis of faith.
jimmy says:

Dec 15 2011 at 6:13 pm

@frank
I am suprised no one has yet to note the proper spelling of Vlaanderen with the native V.

Not to undermine the look you are promoting of being dressed properly for the task, but I find it also ironic that it was in west Flanders that I was taught to wear full thermal gear; hat, jacket, tights (over bib shorts) long gloves and booties for training in temps 26c and lower. Yeah, nearly 70 fucking F's in styrofoam kit head to toe. The embro and arm warmers for races only.
Otoman says:

Dec 15 2011 at 6:34 pm

Perhaps I didn't see it in the comments, but a Roubaix fleece type bib short paired with knee warmers will get you down to the mid-30's F (near 0 C). You can go below freezing a bit if you put leg warmers with them. I can tell you from personal experience that winter bib shorts, while seeming like an oxymoron, are THE BOMB and should be an essential component of any Hardman's wardrobe. On those days that start below freezing and rise to sunny warmth, you can strip off layers and still be comfortable. Also, with leg warmers, they are no more restrictive than standard bibs, unlike most tights....
From what I understand, they are standard issue to ProTour riders, thusly: PRO.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if some of the bibs shown in the top photo are a Roubaix fleece. Heck, maybe even Chewbacca the Triathlete's Speedo too