Look Pro: Flandrian Best
To Look Pro is to strive to Look Fantastic and to be at our ease on a bicycle. It is to walk the line between form and function and is based entirely on the premise that the professional peloton is far more experienced in this endeavour than we shall ever be. Their lessons speak through their actions on the bike, serving as a beacon to provide us the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and triumphs. But this is a dangerous game; being a Pro does not mean one Looks Fantastic. Because of the Commutative Property of Looking Pro, Looking Fantastic does not mean you Look Pro. The Pros are our inspiration, but care must be taken to choose your muse wisely.
Looking Pro in good weather is an simple matter; bibs, jersey, (white) socks, shoes, and helmet. Tan your guns, match your kit properly, and get on with it. But when the chill sets in and layers are added, the matter becomes quite complicated quite quickly. Rule #21 and Good Taste dictate that we dress in our Flandrian Best; we don knickers or knee warmers, gillets, arm warmers, Belgian Booties or shoe covers, slip caps beneath our helmets, and hope to encounter some good old-fashioned gritty roads.
The preference for knee warmers over tights distills down to one elemental fact: no matter how one might try to disguise them, tights are simply not an attractive garment. Not on cyclists. Not on skiers. Not on overweight women at the market. Not on fit women at the Yoga studio. Not on runners, not on swimmers. Not in a box, not on a fox.
As is customary, I will leverage the powers of photography to illustrate my point. A casual glance at this particular photo shows a collection of proper hardmen rattling over the muddy cobbles of Omloop Het Nieuwsblad. It is plainly obvious that perennial hardman Tomeke Boonen was suffering from some kind of mental trauma, as he chose to don full tights rather than his usual knee warmers. These actions are not without their consequence, and you can plainly see he is ill at ease and destined to perform below his best for the remainder of the season. Eddy Boasson Hagen, in the blurry distance, suffered a similar fate and it took him until July to recover from his mistake. Boonen wasn’t so lucky, presumably because such an offense holds greater punishment for actual Flandrians as opposed to étrangers.
Then we have the others. Thor Hushovd, Lars Boom, and Philipe Gilbert all have two things in common: they all Look Fantastic, and they’re all dressed in their Flandrian Best. Hushovd has obviously already taken the safety off the howitzers, while Gilbert, if I’m not mistaken, is smirking – apparently at Boonen’s choice. Boom’s face can’t be read, but his posture is that of a Dutchman with intense Belgian aspirations.
When making decisions about how to dress for the cold and wet, keep the following points in mind.
- Layering offers maximum versatility; forgo jackets and tights for the flexibility of arm and knee warmers which can be pulled up or down, and gillets which can be unzipped or doffed and tucked under your pockets. It is also to be noted that your Flandrian Best should always be close-fitting. Belgian Booties and shoe covers are to fit tightly over the shoe; gloves are to be tight and sleek. (Sorry, Lobster claws, despite your utility, there is no place for you in a rider’s Flandrian Best.)
- Knee warmers are employed to keep the knees warm and protected from the cold, while at the same time allowing the shins to breathe like a fine bottle of wine after uncorking the magnums.
- Maintain order; if it’s cold enough for knee warmers, it’s cold enough for arm warmers. First come arm warmers, then knee warmers.
- While cycling caps may be worn in a variety of conditions for a variety of reasons, cotton cycling caps are to be worn under helmets any time the rain falls or knee warmers are deployed for use. In extreme cold conditions, a winter cycling cap may be considered. Skull caps, due in large part to their condom-like appearance, are to be avoided at all costs.
- Tights are to be avoided whenever possible. If, due to some kind of genetic shortcoming, you find that you simply must wear full-length tights, ensure that they are are straight-ankled and not stirrups. (We’re Cyclists, not dancers.)
@Chris
A fine observation – but I don’t think that it is beyond the realms of possibility that this nuffy actually did the swim with his race number attached.
@ BuckRogers: two thumbs up
@bikemech3: just over the state line here in the ozarks, and yes, you have the wind, but we share the temps, like with wiscot, he probably has it colder in fact.
I submit you can look PRO, ride in cold and be smart all at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive goals. Consider, if its in the single digits out there, no lame brain will go out in embro and shorts or knickers only. Its a base layer up and down, roubaix fabriced goods and a jacket w/glove et al. But, you can do that and get an 1-2 hr ride in safely, with the wind and all. Last year my coldest ride was single digits, and wind chill/ride temp creeping down to -20. Point being, keep it safe.
We are all here, the keepers, very religious. Fervent. Legalists. But, also note, there are a few of us freaks that are here that break the rules, thus the need for pentance, atonement and acenting to the higher levels of PRO.
@hungsolo
Go with the really hot mad alchemy (comes in three levels)… you will never be cold! Just make sure you put the chamois creme on before the embro… I like the Tea, but haven’t tried the coffee version yet.
Thanks, Frank! Yep, was directed at you. Ha, I was running out the door to go for a ride, didn’t see my mistake.
That’s been my experience as well – waterproofs just don’t work when you are really out riding. Yep, around town or commuting when you are going half the speed, sure. A simple gilet does a pretty good job in most rainy conditions for me.
AND, we need to cut down on all this talk about tri folks, regardless of if they are Chong or not.
What is the Velominati ruling on the Shower Pass Pro Tech ST? Any rule violation there? As a lightweight rain/wind jack made of a breathable material it works really well.
http://www.showerspass.com/catalog/men/mens-jackets/pro-tech-st
@frank
How about Panatani-esque clear rain jackets – surely pro?
I humbly submit that as while as Velominati we must Obey the Rules, there’s no rule requiring us to submit our wardrobes for Keeper approval. Below 10, I’m wearing tights. Under the bibs. Got some new Castelli’s to go with the V-Kit I’m going to break in this weekend.
And a white skull cap. So there.
@girl
The triathlon equivalent of a fanny pack. And I’d like to use the word fanny in the British sense.
Does anybody use wool caps for the winter, or do most stick with cotton caps?
@Chris
Gentlemen, let’s not waste our time trying to justify this man’s choices of activity or apparel. He’s wrong on all counts.
@Souleur
Amen, sir, amen.
@sgt
A-Merckx, brother. I’m sure Frank has better things to do than adjudicate on multiple variations and permutations of kit. If you have to ask, the answer is probably no.
Or ask WWJD. (What Would Jens Do?)
@wiscot
A what? A who?
Proposed Rule #998:
When replying to a post that includes an unsavory photo of Budgie Man, Lampre Man, or Cipo molesting a pair of White Ladies, USE THE REPLY BUTTON not the quote button.
Those who care to see Budgie Man five or more times can scroll up and find him.
Failure to use THE REPLY BUTTON will receive an immediate one level demotion of their avatar badge.
@DerHoggz
Not a cap but I have this. It’s rather fine and not at all condom like under a helmet but I’d also like to give this a go. Merino is the way to go.
@wiscot
There was no attempt at all to justify the man’s actions, although I have a sneaking suspicion that he may be quite handy.
@G’rilla
Spot on old chap.
@frank
@Farnk (!) has a point here. However, there is a *huge* thermodynamic difference between the wet coming from the sky at 40degF and the wet coming from the 98degF + from inside. Keeping the cold water off you while riding reduces the amount of work your body has to do to warm the muscles. The effect is not small. Energy spent warming muscles is energy wasted that could be used to generate V. And the Merckxdamn V is it.
OK, I am now going back to Couch Surfing where I am much more comfortable, and where I still feel great shame.
@G’rilla
This.
@Harminator
My apologies: A-Merckx, sir, A-Merckx.
@G’rilla
Spot on indeed
Hopefully this makes up for the picture of Marcus’ hairy, tan cousin running a triathlon.
One kickass Olympian, Victoria Pendleton:
You’re welcome.
double discs…double V!
nice one mcsqueak! thanks for that
I was on my way home from a 50 k ride today and half a block from my apartment I flatted out my front tire(damn thorns, but this is the desert). since I was so close to home I decide to walk it. A homeless guy on a bike rides by, asks me if Im ok and if I need bus fair. that really made my day.
It was a awesome day, 7 degrees and sunny. No warmers to be seen on me, just sporting the V-jersey.
@marcus
Excellent point. He is a tool. He would be thinking it would save loads of time in transition.
@mcsqueak
That’s Victoria just on her way to her yoga class. I hear she does a one hour class in 4 minutes even.
@girl
Enough with the cricket talk. Or maybe I am confused and you are talking about Austrialian Rules Football?
Nothing, NOTHING, will make you feel like a Flandrian the way a patch of grit-covered flesh exposed between the kneekers and shoe covers. See below, taken during my 4C rainy ride this afternoon.
@frank
What is that stuff on the back of your calf? Looks like you either need to clean the lens on your iPhone camera, or spend some time meditating on Rule #33.
@Nate
My guess its road grit. and I assume he meant grit-covered and not grid-covered.
@scaler911
About a year ago, I was researching (I know, I’m not supposed to do that per my model) an elaborate Rule #42 explanation and my googling turned him up. He’s never left me, for obvious reasons. Hence, when @girl mentioned a hairy dude tritard, I went for the jugular.
It was remarkably hard to find, actually.
@redranger
Ah. I have never seen such hairy road grid.
@frank
ha!!!
@Souleur
Very well put. And also note, if you’re out riding, good on ya. Period. You just might not look like a Pro. And, as another note, this article is on dressing in your Flandrian Best, not about dressing for fucking winter or snow.
If you can layer instead of a jacket, do it. If you can do knickers instead of tights, do it. If not, chuck that shit on and get out on the bike. Just realize you’re not looking like a Flandrian. But Flandrians don’t ride in the snow (usually).
@Anjin-san
VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY FUCKING PRO. Steve Bauer used to race in one of those. Class act. Looked fantastic. The clear racing cape has taken a back seat to the black ones, but its still a great piece.
@G’rilla
+1.
@redranger
Front flats are scary… I had one the other month, and when I went to turn I could feel my tube and tire starting to roll onto the side of my rim! Thankfully I was going slow (had missed a turn and was just going to do a u-turn on a side street to get back on track) and was not flying down a 400m hill like I had been an hour earlier.
Awesome how you were offered bus fair by the homeless gent! Good karma for sure… probably because you were looking PRO.
@mcsqueak
In knickers, not tights, I might add.
@redranger
This.
@Nate
Really? Do you really – REALLY – think I don’t shave my legs on a daily basis? I refuse to ever leave the house with even the slightest hint of leg stubble.
@frank
That’s a relief, otherwise I was prepared to have a crisis of faith.
@frank
I am suprised no one has yet to note the proper spelling of Vlaanderen with the native V.
Not to undermine the look you are promoting of being dressed properly for the task, but I find it also ironic that it was in west Flanders that I was taught to wear full thermal gear; hat, jacket, tights (over bib shorts) long gloves and booties for training in temps 26c and lower. Yeah, nearly 70 fucking F’s in styrofoam kit head to toe. The embro and arm warmers for races only.
Perhaps I didn’t see it in the comments, but a Roubaix fleece type bib short paired with knee warmers will get you down to the mid-30’s F (near 0 C). You can go below freezing a bit if you put leg warmers with them. I can tell you from personal experience that winter bib shorts, while seeming like an oxymoron, are THE BOMB and should be an essential component of any Hardman’s wardrobe. On those days that start below freezing and rise to sunny warmth, you can strip off layers and still be comfortable. Also, with leg warmers, they are no more restrictive than standard bibs, unlike most tights….
From what I understand, they are standard issue to ProTour riders, thusly: PRO.
I wouldn’t be surprised at all if some of the bibs shown in the top photo are a Roubaix fleece. Heck, maybe even Chewbacca the Triathlete’s Speedo too
@jimmy
I’m afraid I’m not sure I understand. Lots of results on the proper spelling,, including one called the Ever-present V: Ronde van “V”laanderen.
West Flanders is close to the water and awfully close to those sissy Waloons. That’s probably why they’re wearing thermals!
(That cold feeling you have right now is my thinly veiled jealousy of the fact that you’ve ridden/raced with the hard bastids in VVV. That’s THREE FUCKING V’s, because a W for West is just two V’s put together.)
@redranger
Things like this reaffirm my faith in the human race. Nice.
@frank
Did you know your bike #1 made it to Ryan T Keel’s SLAMTHATSTEM web site?here
Or maybe I missed it.
@redranger
Tritard.
Yes! Love it! That was your term, right redranger?
@frank
I meant in the article title similar to the VVorkshop article.
The jealousy is mine for your upcoming trip. I experienced zero art, good food or history up close. Someday though, I’ll take my boy, maybe watch the Ghent 6 get him his first bier.
@Harminator
Word.
@jimmy
Oh, I’m pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down now. We’ll miss you in Vlaanderen.
Raised as a European, I had my first beer at home with my dad after a 16-hour mountainbike ride in Sun Valley – I’m guessing I was maybe 12. Campfire-side. I had it in a goblet from Grumpies, but I’ve lost the glass, unfortunately.
I think that if you serve him his first beer when he’s under-age and after a rockin’ ride (like the six-days), you’ll make alcohol such a different thing to him than all his douchebag friends that he’ll never abuse it the way those kids do. It will just be a cool, mellow thing, not some crazy shit to get pissed on.
@frank
Next time, just ask, I could have linked it in seconds. He has a personal website where he boasts about his average performance in races and blames everything/one for not doing well.
I hate to think about the variety of down right scary images you came across when searching for that one.
@frank
Of course. Just fucking with you.
Anyone want to know what I just did?
Sold my tubular wheels online. Packed and sent this morning.
On TradeMe, NZ’s fleabay, I just bought NOS Ambrosio Nemesis rims. 2 for 30 bucks from a local.
Universe is telling me something.