Categories: La Vie VelominatusLook ProMusings from the V-Bunker

On Looking Fantastic

Forgiving the triple and EPMS, Pineapple Bob shows us how Looking Fantastic is done.

Whenever I do anything, I try my best to project the confidence of Han Solo leaving the cantina after cooking Greedo which has been scientifically proven to be the maximum possible score on the Casually Deliberate Scale. Being Casually Deliberate comes down to two fundamental units of knowledge that you must hold unwaveringly within your heart: That you Look Fantastic and that You are Awesome at What You Do. Greedo never stood a chance; he hardly had a name tag.

I consider it my personal and professional responsibility to Look Fantastic at All Times whether on the bike, at the office (nothing but Maison Martin Margiela touches this body), at home, or at social engagements (at which times I will allow Rick Owens to mingle in the palate). The secret being, of course, that if you Look Fantastic, you appear twice as competent as you actually are to the casual observer – which is almost everyone these days because no one pays attention anymore.

The Cogal of the Falling Leaves was a cruel mistress, almost sinister. I dreaded the ride a bit, cursing Midsummer Frank who chose such a tough route, basking in his Midsummer Form, oblivious to what kind of horrible shape October Frank would be in. Midsummer Frank is a dick.

Courage is knowing what suffering lies down the road and setting forth nevertheless, but Courage is also a clueless twat about how humbling it is to helplessly watch the group ride away from you on hill after hill, a sensation I’m not entirely accustomed to. Each time, I could barely manage bridging back up just in time for the next hill so I could slip uselessly away again like a teflon-coated stone.

Eventually, the hills were too close together for me to bridge up, and I was cut adrift like a dinghy at sea.

I set off down the road alone while the group refueled at a rest station, not wanting to stop and lose whatever rhythm I’d regained, knowing full well that I was beyond a point where refuelling would be of use. Here it was just me, alone with the hum of my tires and the completely detached sense of ownership of my legs. I wish I’d grabbed the Good Legs from the garage today, but alas I hadn’t.

What kept me going, more than anything, was the knowledge that however slow I was going, I still looked a proper Cyclist, with my kit perfectly in place, my sunnies tucked neatly away in the vents of my helmet, jaw agape, and my perfectly curated machine carrying me along the way. I knew I looked resplendent while pedalling smoothly, the muscle-memory of countless hours accumulated pedalling a bike during my lifetime took over; shoulders steady, head low, legs on autopilot.

Being out of shape at this time of year, with the cold and wet months approaching is a solemn reality. There is nothing welcoming to the common Cyclist: the days are short and cold and getting out during the workweek is an act of true dedication. Kitting up in my finest Nine Kit or my Flandrian Best, emulating the Hardmen is what encourages me to set out onto the road to start the long journey back to fitness.

Looking Fantastic might not be all there is to Cycling, but at times like this, it’s all I got.

VLVV.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

PeakInTwoYears says:

Oct 22 2015 at 12:06 pm

Zwarte jersey and gilet have arrived. Will break them in on a short FRB this afternoon.
RobSandy says:

Oct 22 2015 at 12:45 pm

@frank

@davidlhill

I’d never heard of Maison Martin Margeila so I googled it. The first hit involved a pair of adult trainers that have velcro as a fastener.

It is so hard to take someone seriously beyond the age of, say, 7 that still requires velcro to do up shoes. Right, I’ll get back to the article.

David

Closer to this, but with socks.

I need a waistcoat.
litvi says:

Oct 22 2015 at 12:50 pm

@wiscot

@frank

@wiscot

Without knowing who that is and his twatliness, that all kind of sounds like what Han Solo did.

@wiscot

It’s a close call, bur PB’s tan sidewalls almost negate the EMPS atrocity.

Coming from a known EPMS user, that hardly carries any weight.

As far as Rule Transgressions go, we do forgive him his triple and EPMS. Even his regular sunnies. But don’t let that give you any ideas. Repeat after me: you are not Pineapple Bob.

I am indeed not PB. Damn you have a google server-like memory for my past confessions! In my defense, my EPMS is as small as possible and black.

For a full bio on the Lord Twat of London: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boris_Johnson

FWIW today it’s sport coat and tie and real shoes with laces. Not required by my work (I work in the arts so I’m sure I have latitude) but necessary for my self-respect.

Sport coat and tie today... But you're not denying it could have been one of the samples on the catwalk, on another day?
RobSandy says:

Oct 22 2015 at 12:52 pm

@frank

@rfreese888

Love watching that Star Wars scene although I would say Obi Wan looked a bit more cas del than Han after lopping off Ponda Baba’s arm.

Speaking of Star Wars the new bad guy looks pretty awesome:

Personally, I can’t wait to see what he does with those Ass Beating Sticks that stick out from the hilt.

Beats ass?

Actually, to be pedantic the hilt is the bit he's holding, the Ass Beating sticks are coming out of the crosspiece. It'd probably be more accurate to call them Ass Beating quillions.
wiscot says:

Oct 22 2015 at 12:54 pm

@geoffrey

I was in a a village in Italy in July and caught a stage of the Giro Rosa. The local club for kids had a parade in which they demonstrated lots of looking fantastic and casual deliberateness. All learnt by age 10.

Man, it must be something in the water in Italy. That kid is fully CD. Even the sneakers match the kit.
RobSandy says:

Oct 22 2015 at 12:54 pm

@PeakInTwoYears

Zwarte jersey and gilet have arrived. Will break them in on a short FRB this afternoon.

My V-Jersey arrived early in the week. I was waiting for someone else to post before I began exulting.

First ride will be a 110km solo around the Peak District this Saturday. The 2nd ride will be a 150km solo on Sunday. I could have got away with a Large, too. Never mind, it's comfy.
Gianni says:

Oct 22 2015 at 1:16 pm

@MangoDave

Back in the day, I told my riding buddies I wished I could be like Pineapple Bob. They rode Bridgestones (I didn’t), so they deemed me unworthy of PB and started calling me Mango as a joke.

That is funny you are a descendant of Pineapple Bob. Respect.

He was one of the first non-euro racers who was put up as a cool cyclist. And he was a mystery as he never showed up anywhere but in Bridgestone ads.

@frank

Midsummer Frank is a dick

Brilliant stuff right there.

Looking decent is all I have and even that is a lot of work.
PeakInTwoYears says:

Oct 22 2015 at 1:19 pm

^ Right, I was a little surprised at the fit. Not quite as "race" fit as my Castelli jerseys or gilet. (A long way from club fit, mind you, just not as snug as the Castelli stuff.) I don't know whether I could have gotten away with Medium rather than Large.

I like the materials used in the gilet. It's going to be a damned useful object on chilly, dry days--days when the Gabba isn't needed for precipitation.
RedRanger says:

Oct 22 2015 at 2:06 pm

I didn't realize that pro's ever used triple!
Gianni says:

Oct 22 2015 at 2:15 pm

@RedRanger

I didn’t realize that pro’s ever used triple!

I don't think PB was a pro. I think he was more a bike model for Bridgestone. This lead photo might have been a catalog shot.

I don't think pros could get away with a triple. Even a compact would be a stretch for the rudest stage.