Categories: La Vie VelominatusLook ProMusings from the V-Bunker

On Looking Fantastic

Forgiving the triple and EPMS, Pineapple Bob shows us how Looking Fantastic is done.

Whenever I do anything, I try my best to project the confidence of Han Solo leaving the cantina after cooking Greedo which has been scientifically proven to be the maximum possible score on the Casually Deliberate Scale. Being Casually Deliberate comes down to two fundamental units of knowledge that you must hold unwaveringly within your heart: That you Look Fantastic and that You are Awesome at What You Do. Greedo never stood a chance; he hardly had a name tag.

I consider it my personal and professional responsibility to Look Fantastic at All Times whether on the bike, at the office (nothing but Maison Martin Margiela touches this body), at home, or at social engagements (at which times I will allow Rick Owens to mingle in the palate). The secret being, of course, that if you Look Fantastic, you appear twice as competent as you actually are to the casual observer – which is almost everyone these days because no one pays attention anymore.

The Cogal of the Falling Leaves was a cruel mistress, almost sinister. I dreaded the ride a bit, cursing Midsummer Frank who chose such a tough route, basking in his Midsummer Form, oblivious to what kind of horrible shape October Frank would be in. Midsummer Frank is a dick.

Courage is knowing what suffering lies down the road and setting forth nevertheless, but Courage is also a clueless twat about how humbling it is to helplessly watch the group ride away from you on hill after hill, a sensation I’m not entirely accustomed to. Each time, I could barely manage bridging back up just in time for the next hill so I could slip uselessly away again like a teflon-coated stone.

Eventually, the hills were too close together for me to bridge up, and I was cut adrift like a dinghy at sea.

I set off down the road alone while the group refueled at a rest station, not wanting to stop and lose whatever rhythm I’d regained, knowing full well that I was beyond a point where refuelling would be of use. Here it was just me, alone with the hum of my tires and the completely detached sense of ownership of my legs. I wish I’d grabbed the Good Legs from the garage today, but alas I hadn’t.

What kept me going, more than anything, was the knowledge that however slow I was going, I still looked a proper Cyclist, with my kit perfectly in place, my sunnies tucked neatly away in the vents of my helmet, jaw agape, and my perfectly curated machine carrying me along the way. I knew I looked resplendent while pedalling smoothly, the muscle-memory of countless hours accumulated pedalling a bike during my lifetime took over; shoulders steady, head low, legs on autopilot.

Being out of shape at this time of year, with the cold and wet months approaching is a solemn reality. There is nothing welcoming to the common Cyclist: the days are short and cold and getting out during the workweek is an act of true dedication. Kitting up in my finest Nine Kit or my Flandrian Best, emulating the Hardmen is what encourages me to set out onto the road to start the long journey back to fitness.

Looking Fantastic might not be all there is to Cycling, but at times like this, it’s all I got.

VLVV.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Teocalli says:

Oct 23 2015 at 12:22 pm

@David

I’m sure this topic has been covered in some detail in the past, but would a tightly-wound, tastefully discrete tool-roll, carefully coordinated and complementing the overall bike aesthetic, be considered an EPMS?

More room for mid-ride refreshments, bananas et al in the jersey pockets. Perhaps a sleeker look?

All ridiculing thoughts and criticism welcome.

Gianni tried..........see this

http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/rule-29-when-is-an-epms-not-an-epms/
DeKerr says:

Oct 23 2015 at 12:46 pm

@universo

MX Leader [ Columbus MXL ] frame is needing a new look and attention to detail inside and out _ so arranging to get with Velocolour’s Noah Rosen for an almighty black transformation _ small white design elements _ new life

WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR BIKE LAYING ON THE GROUND???

Pardon me. Just a bit taken aback by this photo.
DeKerr says:

Oct 23 2015 at 12:54 pm

@David

I’m sure this topic has been covered in some detail in the past, but would a tightly-wound, tastefully discrete tool-roll, carefully coordinated and complementing the overall bike aesthetic, be considered an EPMS?

More room for mid-ride refreshments, bananas et al in the jersey pockets. Perhaps a sleeker look?

All ridiculing thoughts and criticism welcome.

I have one of those, and it fits very nicely inside my jersey pocket; although a bit bulkier that it's predecessor (the Lezyne Caddy Sack) that was thieved from me at a charity ride.

While the strap it comes with is inexplicably designed to strap the tool roll beneath the saddle like a tubular tire, it is not a tubular tire and therefore has no business beneath my saddle.
MangoDave says:

Oct 23 2015 at 2:13 pm

@Gianni

@MangoDave

Back in the day, I told my riding buddies I wished I could be like Pineapple Bob. They rode Bridgestones (I didn’t), so they deemed me unworthy of PB and started calling me Mango as a joke.

That is funny you are a descendant of Pineapple Bob. Respect.

He was one of the first non-euro racers who was put up as a cool cyclist. And he was a mystery as he never showed up anywhere but in Bridgestone ads.

Respect? Thanks, though not really earned. Mrs. Mango just thinks I'm an idiot. And she probably doesn't appreciate me calling her Mrs. Mango.
MangoDave says:

Oct 23 2015 at 2:24 pm

@frank

@MangoDave

Back in the day, I told my riding buddies I wished I could be like Pineapple Bob. They rode Bridgestones (I didn’t), so they deemed me unworthy of PB and started calling me Mango as a joke.

That photo is from the ’91 Bridgestone catalog. I had a major crush on the girl in that catalog. Bridgestones ruled. I still have one.

You must mean Pineapple Karen. She rocked. Probably still does.

Here's a few throwback photos I dug up...

1) The Bridgestone boys... MB-Zip on the left. He tried to sell it to me but I stupidly declined, I was looking out for a Bontrager Race Lite.

2) MB-3 in flight. Bridgestone was such a cool company. This frame was sent back under warranty, they replaced it with the MB-Zip. A whole 'nother story is that I crashed on this same jump a few minutes later. Short version - don't drill out your components to shave weight.

3) The other MB-3 rider, originator of my "Mango" nickname.
frank says:

Oct 23 2015 at 4:34 pm

@Teocalli

Someone with better photoshop skills should have combined the two threads already……

Really it should be a pile of The Rules that he's sitting next to.
frank says:

Oct 23 2015 at 4:35 pm

@David

I’m sure this topic has been covered in some detail in the past, but would a tightly-wound, tastefully discrete tool-roll, carefully coordinated and complementing the overall bike aesthetic, be considered an EPMS?

More room for mid-ride refreshments, bananas et al in the jersey pockets. Perhaps a sleeker look?

All ridiculing thoughts and criticism welcome.

That is an EPMS with lipstick. Still and EPMS.

@DeKerr

@universo

MX Leader [ Columbus MXL ] frame is needing a new look and attention to detail inside and out _ so arranging to get with Velocolour’s Noah Rosen for an almighty black transformation _ small white design elements _ new life

WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR BIKE LAYING ON THE GROUND???

Pardon me. Just a bit taken aback by this photo.

Oh, I see the problem. It's in the little ring.
frank says:

Oct 23 2015 at 4:38 pm

@MangoDave

There is SO MUCH RAD in that set of photos. My brother @spankles had an MB-2. I rode it and was blown away by how it rode. I was on a Schwinn Sierra which I loved but handled like a boat and weighed like a tank due it's sand-filled tubes.
Oli says:

Oct 23 2015 at 4:52 pm

@MangoDave

Super cool!
David says:

Oct 23 2015 at 5:12 pm

@frank and others

Thanks for the unambiguous clarity on the EPMS. I have backed away from the ledge.