Categories: La Vie VelominatusLook ProMusings from the V-Bunker

On Looking Fantastic

Forgiving the triple and EPMS, Pineapple Bob shows us how Looking Fantastic is done.

Whenever I do anything, I try my best to project the confidence of Han Solo leaving the cantina after cooking Greedo which has been scientifically proven to be the maximum possible score on the Casually Deliberate Scale. Being Casually Deliberate comes down to two fundamental units of knowledge that you must hold unwaveringly within your heart: That you Look Fantastic and that You are Awesome at What You Do. Greedo never stood a chance; he hardly had a name tag.

I consider it my personal and professional responsibility to Look Fantastic at All Times whether on the bike, at the office (nothing but Maison Martin Margiela touches this body), at home, or at social engagements (at which times I will allow Rick Owens to mingle in the palate). The secret being, of course, that if you Look Fantastic, you appear twice as competent as you actually are to the casual observer – which is almost everyone these days because no one pays attention anymore.

The Cogal of the Falling Leaves was a cruel mistress, almost sinister. I dreaded the ride a bit, cursing Midsummer Frank who chose such a tough route, basking in his Midsummer Form, oblivious to what kind of horrible shape October Frank would be in. Midsummer Frank is a dick.

Courage is knowing what suffering lies down the road and setting forth nevertheless, but Courage is also a clueless twat about how humbling it is to helplessly watch the group ride away from you on hill after hill, a sensation I’m not entirely accustomed to. Each time, I could barely manage bridging back up just in time for the next hill so I could slip uselessly away again like a teflon-coated stone.

Eventually, the hills were too close together for me to bridge up, and I was cut adrift like a dinghy at sea.

I set off down the road alone while the group refueled at a rest station, not wanting to stop and lose whatever rhythm I’d regained, knowing full well that I was beyond a point where refuelling would be of use. Here it was just me, alone with the hum of my tires and the completely detached sense of ownership of my legs. I wish I’d grabbed the Good Legs from the garage today, but alas I hadn’t.

What kept me going, more than anything, was the knowledge that however slow I was going, I still looked a proper Cyclist, with my kit perfectly in place, my sunnies tucked neatly away in the vents of my helmet, jaw agape, and my perfectly curated machine carrying me along the way. I knew I looked resplendent while pedalling smoothly, the muscle-memory of countless hours accumulated pedalling a bike during my lifetime took over; shoulders steady, head low, legs on autopilot.

Being out of shape at this time of year, with the cold and wet months approaching is a solemn reality. There is nothing welcoming to the common Cyclist: the days are short and cold and getting out during the workweek is an act of true dedication. Kitting up in my finest Nine Kit or my Flandrian Best, emulating the Hardmen is what encourages me to set out onto the road to start the long journey back to fitness.

Looking Fantastic might not be all there is to Cycling, but at times like this, it’s all I got.

VLVV.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Barracuda says:

Oct 22 2015 at 8:59 pm

Speaking of fantastic, I'll just leave this here

http://cyclingtips.com.au/2015/10/bikes-of-the-bunch-eddy-merckx-team-weinmann-corsa-extra/
frank says:

Oct 22 2015 at 9:24 pm

May I point out that, with respect for a brand I admire, all Rapha is doing is to emulate Pinapple Bob's kit and general aesthetic? It's like The White Stripes just trying to emulate Son House.
frank says:

Oct 22 2015 at 9:48 pm

@litvi

@frank

@brett

Yes indeed Frank. Sometimes it’s hard when you’re so out of shape to Look Fantastic, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. White legs after winter are a bane on the Look, hairy ones even more so. Curating the bike and kit helps no end, and gives one hope that the body will soon follow.

Pineapple Bob, haven’t seen that name for a long while… where is he now I wonder?

Might have to wear the suit to the office tomorrow… fuck the vitriol I’ll receive from the skater boys who share the space!

Word up! Fuck the the skater boys for sure. A suit is always called for, even when going for a bit of a run. Just ask James Bond.

Tom Ford’s 2012 line of athletic wear was done correctly and is demonstrated very well here. I like this shot because 1) you can glimpse the elastic straps Tom built in to keep the cuffs down as much as possible, which I had heard existed but never confirmed; and 2) you can see that a proper fitting pair of slacks need no belt, unlike your tan 3 piece example, which have entirely too much additional weight from superfluous bits like belt loops. It’s the little differences that count.

Ah, a sartorialist, I've been waiting for you.

You are a step above me knowing about this TF athletic line to the point that I humbly admit I don't know if you're taking the piss. TF might just do that kind of awesome. Rick Ownes definitely would but it would be more flagrant than that. Margiela (although he can do no wrong) would never be that kind of formally imaginative (see what I did there?)

I would counter only with that a belt should only ever be an accent, not a necessity, even on a perfectly tailored suit. Belt loops are not evil, they are a choice. They are also a crutch for those who have no taste, to @Ron's point.
frank says:

Oct 22 2015 at 10:32 pm

@cognition

@frank

All this is true. Except before the days of the compact, I caught the hints of rumours of the Pros riding triples up that stupidly steep climb in the Vuelta whose name escapes me at the moment.

You’re thinking of the Angliru in the Vuelta, although the same was said about Monte Zoncolan in the Giro.

This.
frank says:

Oct 22 2015 at 10:37 pm

@Barracuda

Speaking of fantastic, I’ll just leave this here

http://cyclingtips.com.au/2015/10/bikes-of-the-bunch-eddy-merckx-team-weinmann-corsa-extra/

There is so much fantastic there; but I wonder: how can a bike which was ridden by Telekom as well as Motorola look so wrong with Shimano and so right with campa?
Oli says:

Oct 22 2015 at 11:42 pm

@Oli

@RedRanger

Yep, even Indurain did at times in the Giro and Vuelta. I’m not saying it’s right, though …

Hello? Can anyone hear me?
litvi says:

Oct 22 2015 at 11:44 pm

@frank

@litvi

@Gianni

@RedRanger

I didn’t realize that pro’s ever used triple!

I don’t think PB was a pro. I think he was more a bike model for Bridgestone. This lead photo might have been a catalog shot.

I don’t think pros could get away with a triple. Even a compact would be a stretch for the rudest stage.

Just like pros transcend some rules because of sponsorships, you can’t really fault PB for the triple here. Bridgestone paid him to ride something, and he rode it. Good for him. The EPMS on the other hand…

You’re confusing “transcending” with “getting paid”. Transcending is making something that should look complete crap look rad, like Pantani and the bandana, and possibly PB here with the triple and the EPMS.

A Pro who looks shit wearing their sponsors kit is not transcending anything apart from a paycheck. Which is not a knock; I celebrate people getting paid for doing stuff.

I think we're more or less on the same page. I was mostly thinking in terms of liability. There are those among us to whom we give a pass* and we turn a blind eye to their transgressions. Obviously you count PB among that group, and I might too. That is, if I wasn't too embarrassed to say I should have known him but never got the chance. I stood outside the window of Jitensha a few times, but never went in. Let alone hung out... Cal Cycling was sponsored by an LBS and I felt it was a matter of loyalty. So I stood and gawked instead. Admiring from a distance, hoping I wouldn't be spotted in my flagrant violation of what I assumed were unwritten rules of a turf war that existed only in my own mind. But damn that shop was sweet. Their reverence for the V glowed like a lantern, and its essence just oozed out onto the street. It was intoxicating.

*viz., Wiggo wears long socks and we equivocate and demur; COTHO wears socks half that high and we say 'of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long... he's a total douche!'
KogaLover says:

Oct 22 2015 at 11:55 pm

@geoffrey

Remind him: before he reaches the age of 11, spend time on reading rules #34 and #37. Abbiamo bisogno di qualcuno che può tradurre Le Regole
RobSandy says:

Oct 23 2015 at 1:15 am

@litvi

*viz., Wiggo wears long socks and we equivocate and demur; COTHO wears socks half that high and we say ‘of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long… he’s a total douche!’

Just going to correct this:

Wiggo wears long socks and we ~~equivocate and demur~~ say he shouldn't.

COTHO wears socks half that high and we say ‘of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long AND he’s a total ~~douche~~ hateful cuntbag!’
wiscot says:

Oct 23 2015 at 5:16 am

@RobSandy

@litvi

*viz., Wiggo wears long socks and we equivocate and demur; COTHO wears socks half that high and we say ‘of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long… he’s a total douche!’

Just going to correct this:

Wiggo wears long socks and we ~~equivocate and demur~~ say he shouldn’t.

COTHO wears socks half that high and we say ‘of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long AND he’s a total ~~douche~~ hateful cuntbag!’

Just got around to watching The Armstrong Lie on dvd. A lot in there for sure. One thing stands out. LA is assuredly a sociopath. You can just imagine him in a non-bike situation being charming, witty, fun and good company - so long as you're not a threat. Bring the bike into the mix and add some rivalry and all bets are off. He'll happily kill you.