An ancient Velominati legend states that when the The Prophet created the common fly, he gave it a maximum air speed of exactly 12 kilometers per hour. When he created the common Cyclist, on the other hand, he gave us a maximum climbing speed of 11.9 kilometers per hour.
The worst flies on the planet live in the Pyrenees, where it is hot and humid. I recall an overcast typical day in the Pyrenees, the kind of day where the flies pull back the drapes, look outside, and decide to take the whole family out to the Cols for an afternoon of Cyclist Surfing. As it happened, we were on a big ride that day; we started with the Col d’Aspin, went over the Tourmalet, and ended at Luz Ardiden as the sun was tucking in behind the shoulders of the mountains surrounding us.
It was here, on the lower slopes of the last climb, down within the suffocating effect of the tree line where our sanity was most severely tested. Luz Ardiden is the cruelest kind of climb, the sort that is always one hour from ending, as Will Fotheringham once pointed out. With 13km to go, the speed you climb at is 13km/h; with 12km to go, the speed drops to 12km/h, then to 11, and so on with always an hours’ riding left before you.
The guns had been thoroughly drained of any power after 160km over two of the most fearsome climbs in the Pyrenees; the mind was not far from cracking. I do not know what is worse; the noise of their flying droves, or their endless dancing upon the arms and legs, but the flies here are incessant. It is hard enough, climbing at track-stand speed, without the added challenge of doing so while wildly swinging an arm or two about and cursing every manner of airborne invertebrate.
The reserves were tapped and the bottom of the V-Well scraped for every bit of speed in an effort to escape this torturous hell. Above the treeline and into the pastures, the flies found more appealing hosts than boney Cyclists, and I was left to once again commune with butterflies – the only sort of flying insect I find at all tolerable.
Every summertime climb I have ever done has been accompanied by these pests; and every summertime climb – irrespective of my fitness – has been enjoyed at a maximum speed of just under 12 kilometers per hour. Having insects capable of flying a bit faster than the struggling cyclist is Nature’s enforcement of Rule #5, it is the Way of Things.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
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@frank
Does this mean we get to see the teenage Frank mtn. cycling photo? It has been awhile...
@Gianni
The Volcano isn't as steep as Luz Ardiden? Hmm, I might have to start there. And I can't catch Dutch Monkey speed, let alone anybody else I ride with. I'm just still too fat to climb. (Working on that, though! I'm finally back below 100kg!)
Funny how things change... a few years ago upon seeing that photo I would be killing to ride a motorbike up that. Now, the first thing that came to mind was feeling the burn in the legs, then feeling a adulation upon cresting the top, then finally the adrenaline of the decent. Motorbike may give me a similar adrenaline rush, but that is only a fraction of the experience that riding a push bike along that road delievers.
@Xyverz
Keep working on that weight loss. I started at 95kg a couple of years ago. I am down to 72 down and still a little too fat to climb well. Still, start your climbing now and make the most use of the Gravity Assisted Resistance Training it provides you.
I was climbing in a fly-infested zone and flatted and ripped the sidewall out of the tire. I swapped the full tire (extra prepared that day thankfully!) and both arms and legs were mostly black from flies drinking my sweat.
On the way back down, it felt like riding through a hailstorm.
Im with @Marcus, our flies, and every other fkn animal not chained up down here, are big bastards and they hunt you down and deliberately get a free ride just to piss us off more.
e.g. Saturdays ride of a mere 50kms I was privileged enough to have a veritable zoo along the route, from said flies, 3 marauding magpies spaced evenly along the sojourn so as to lull me into a false sense of security till the next attack, redneck utility drivers and a big stinkin' slow moving Brown snake that I suspect was just waiting for a slow moving cyclist in Rapha (me) to come along and start the season off nicely.
So @frank, having never been to the beautiful part of the world you are describing, I can only imagine it to smell like roses and be full of butterflies as I hoped it would be.
The photo looks to darn idyllic to be anything but.
@Puffy
Thanks, mate. Back in March of 2011, I'd gotten my weight down to 82kg (from my start at 125kg!), but over the past 8 months, being unemployed, depressed, and otherwise sick, I've gained a good portion of it back. My goal is to get back to 85kg and see where it goes from there.
@Xyverz Well I was out from May - End of August this year and they didn't start going away until towards the end of my time there, although this year was particularly wet at points and the winter finished later. Horse flies are the worst and Luz Ardiden is bad for them as is Col du Soleur (which i think someone else mentioned about). I haven't rode the Haleakala so couldn't comment really although I have watch the vid of @Frank riding it, I would say in isolation the Volcano would be harder however there are many climbs around the Luz Ardiden area to incorporate into a bigger ride. Basically - you can keep riding around that area until the wheels come off, and they will! You never really win or beat those mountains, you just make a deal with them that day and survive. The next days is just that - another day and The Man with the Hammer will be close at hand. I think he might own a Gite near La Mongie because I always seem to meet him in the tunnels around there...
As I climbed some of the lesser Cols in the summer 12kph seemed just about my average, maybe a little lower. To read here that it's the universal climbing speed fills me with joy, I must be improving although on l'Epine in 40 degrees C when I hadn't seen my pals for a while (heard them above me) and butterflies really were flying along beside me I urged them to make a dive through the spokes.
My infected deerfly bite (like horsefly) a few years back. Better example of a target pattern than I could find anywhere on the net.
Photo pre-dates buying a bike and Rule #33 compliance.
Riding to the start of my first race I had a fly bomb into the back of my throat. I was most pleased when I managed to hock it up and spit it out.
But I wondered if I might regret squandering that little bit of nutrient and protein in 2 hours time...