Categories: CyclotourismFolkloreLa Vie VelominatusNostalgia

Allez la Douze: Dropping Flies

The switchbacks of Luz Ardiden

An ancient Velominati legend states that when the The Prophet created the common fly, he gave it a maximum air speed of exactly 12 kilometers per hour. When he created the common Cyclist, on the other hand, he gave us a maximum climbing speed of 11.9 kilometers per hour.

The worst flies on the planet live in the Pyrenees, where it is hot and humid. I recall an overcast typical day in the Pyrenees, the kind of day where the flies pull back the drapes, look outside, and decide to take the whole family out to the Cols for an afternoon of Cyclist Surfing. As it happened, we were on a big ride that day; we started with the Col d’Aspin, went over the Tourmalet, and ended at Luz Ardiden as the sun was tucking in behind the shoulders of the mountains surrounding us.

It was here, on the lower slopes of the last climb, down within the suffocating effect of the tree line where our sanity was most severely tested. Luz Ardiden is the cruelest kind of climb, the sort that is always one hour from ending, as Will Fotheringham once pointed out. With 13km to go, the speed you climb at is 13km/h; with 12km to go, the speed drops to 12km/h, then to 11, and so on with always an hours’ riding left before you.

The guns had been thoroughly drained of any power after 160km over two of the most fearsome climbs in the Pyrenees; the mind was not far from cracking. I do not know what is worse; the noise of their flying droves, or their endless dancing upon the arms and legs, but the flies here are incessant. It is hard enough, climbing at track-stand speed, without the added challenge of doing so while wildly swinging an arm or two about and cursing every manner of airborne invertebrate.

The reserves were tapped and the bottom of the V-Well scraped for every bit of speed in an effort to escape this torturous hell. Above the treeline and into the pastures, the flies found more appealing hosts than boney Cyclists, and I was left to once again commune with butterflies – the only sort of flying insect I find at all tolerable.

Every summertime climb I have ever done has been accompanied by these pests; and every summertime climb – irrespective of my fitness – has been enjoyed at a maximum speed of just under 12 kilometers per hour. Having insects capable of flying a bit faster than the struggling cyclist is Nature’s enforcement of Rule #5, it is the Way of Things.

Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Marko says:

Sep 17 2013 at 5:31 pm

@gregorio You in NorMin?
Nate says:

Sep 17 2013 at 5:41 pm

@Marko My parents took me camping on a lake in NorMin when I was 1. On the first night I got bitten by 1000s of mosquitos. On the second night I got bitten on the forehead by a spider. My whole forehead swelled up and I looked like an alien. The next morning we got back in the VW and drove back to Missouri. I haven't been back to that part of the world but I have a perverse desire to do so.
Marko says:

Sep 17 2013 at 6:01 pm

@Nate

@Marko My parents took me camping on a lake in NorMin when I was 1. On the first night I got bitten by 1000s of mosquitos. On the second night I got bitten on the forehead by a spider. My whole forehead swelled up and I looked like an alien. The next morning we got back in the VW and drove back to Missouri. I haven't been back to that part of the world but I have a perverse desire to do so.

You're welcome any time. I've got space for any Velominati, whenever, standing invite. I'll take you graveling and we'll get chased by swarms of deer, horse, and black flies.

But nothing, I mean nothing, compares to the flies of Northern Manitoba. Particularly those on the eastern shore of Lake Winnipeg. The locals refer to horse flies there as bulldogs. I've never seen anything like it and I can endure bugs like Eddy can endure lactic acid baths.
Nate says:

Sep 17 2013 at 6:20 pm

@Marko

@Nate

@Marko My parents took me camping on a lake in NorMin when I was 1. On the first night I got bitten by 1000s of mosquitos. On the second night I got bitten on the forehead by a spider. My whole forehead swelled up and I looked like an alien. The next morning we got back in the VW and drove back to Missouri. I haven't been back to that part of the world but I have a perverse desire to do so.

You're welcome any time. I've got space for any Velominati, whenever, standing invite. I'll take you graveling and we'll get chased by swarms of deer, horse, and black flies.

But nothing, I mean nothing, compares to the flies of Northern Manitoba. Particularly those on the eastern shore of Lake Winnipeg. The locals refer to horse flies there as bulldogs. I've never seen anything like it and I can endure bugs like Eddy can endure lactic acid baths.

How many spare blood bags should I bring?
Barracuda says:

Sep 17 2013 at 7:21 pm

@Nate

@Marko

@Nate

@Marko My parents took me camping on a lake in NorMin when I was 1. On the first night I got bitten by 1000s of mosquitos. On the second night I got bitten on the forehead by a spider. My whole forehead swelled up and I looked like an alien. The next morning we got back in the VW and drove back to Missouri. I haven't been back to that part of the world but I have a perverse desire to do so.

You're welcome any time. I've got space for any Velominati, whenever, standing invite. I'll take you graveling and we'll get chased by swarms of deer, horse, and black flies.

But nothing, I mean nothing, compares to the flies of Northern Manitoba. Particularly those on the eastern shore of Lake Winnipeg. The locals refer to horse flies there as bulldogs. I've never seen anything like it and I can endure bugs like Eddy can endure lactic acid baths.

How many spare blood bags should I bring?

I believe the correct measurement for blood bags is known as a "cipollini" , they come in lots of 25.
ChrisO says:

Sep 17 2013 at 8:41 pm

@teocalli

I think the wasp thing in September is based on three things

a) they know they haven't got long to go and so they are generally a bit pissed off with things and so will pick a fight with anything.

b) they are mainly chewing on fermented fruit in September and so in the afternoon are generally a bit pissed (US folk that means drunk) and so will pick a fight with anything.

c) in the mornings because of being depressed by a) and as a result of the hangover from b), are generally pissed off and will pick a fight with anything.

Sounds like Glasgow.
Puffy says:

Sep 17 2013 at 9:48 pm

@frank

It is very satisfying to catch one, roll it between your fingers and then tear the head off. A tad sinister, but when you're at your wits end, weird things happen.

Catch one, tie a piece of string (cotton) around it's body under the wings and you have a pet!! Watch it try and fly away then! Also used to like pushing sheoak needles up their arse and the letting them go. They can fly but due to the weight it's head straight up.
Nate says:

Sep 17 2013 at 10:18 pm

@Barracuda

@Nate

@Marko

@Nate

@Marko My parents took me camping on a lake in NorMin when I was 1. On the first night I got bitten by 1000s of mosquitos. On the second night I got bitten on the forehead by a spider. My whole forehead swelled up and I looked like an alien. The next morning we got back in the VW and drove back to Missouri. I haven't been back to that part of the world but I have a perverse desire to do so.

You're welcome any time. I've got space for any Velominati, whenever, standing invite. I'll take you graveling and we'll get chased by swarms of deer, horse, and black flies.

But nothing, I mean nothing, compares to the flies of Northern Manitoba. Particularly those on the eastern shore of Lake Winnipeg. The locals refer to horse flies there as bulldogs. I've never seen anything like it and I can endure bugs like Eddy can endure lactic acid baths.

How many spare blood bags should I bring?

I believe the correct measurement for blood bags is known as a "cipollini" , they come in lots of 25.

I would have thought they would have named the unit by reference to a GT contender rather than a sprinter.
Barracuda says:

Sep 17 2013 at 10:23 pm

@Nate

@Barracuda

@Nate

@Marko

@Nate

@Marko My parents took me camping on a lake in NorMin when I was 1. On the first night I got bitten by 1000s of mosquitos. On the second night I got bitten on the forehead by a spider. My whole forehead swelled up and I looked like an alien. The next morning we got back in the VW and drove back to Missouri. I haven't been back to that part of the world but I have a perverse desire to do so.

You're welcome any time. I've got space for any Velominati, whenever, standing invite. I'll take you graveling and we'll get chased by swarms of deer, horse, and black flies.

But nothing, I mean nothing, compares to the flies of Northern Manitoba. Particularly those on the eastern shore of Lake Winnipeg. The locals refer to horse flies there as bulldogs. I've never seen anything like it and I can endure bugs like Eddy can endure lactic acid baths.

How many spare blood bags should I bring?

I believe the correct measurement for blood bags is known as a "cipollini" , they come in lots of 25.

I would have thought they would have named the unit by reference to a GT contender rather than a sprinter.

Nah, the International measurement is definately one in "cipollini's"

i.e. " Man, that was one tuff tour this year, glad my team had two spare cipollini's for us"

http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/report-cipollini-used-25-blood-bags-before-2003-giro-ditalia
Nate says:

Sep 17 2013 at 10:32 pm

@Barracuda Hah, I was thinking a "cipollini" should have been a reference to podium girls

Or insane skinsuits