An ancient Velominati legend states that when the The Prophet created the common fly, he gave it a maximum air speed of exactly 12 kilometers per hour. When he created the common Cyclist, on the other hand, he gave us a maximum climbing speed of 11.9 kilometers per hour.
The worst flies on the planet live in the Pyrenees, where it is hot and humid. I recall an overcast typical day in the Pyrenees, the kind of day where the flies pull back the drapes, look outside, and decide to take the whole family out to the Cols for an afternoon of Cyclist Surfing. As it happened, we were on a big ride that day; we started with the Col d’Aspin, went over the Tourmalet, and ended at Luz Ardiden as the sun was tucking in behind the shoulders of the mountains surrounding us.
It was here, on the lower slopes of the last climb, down within the suffocating effect of the tree line where our sanity was most severely tested. Luz Ardiden is the cruelest kind of climb, the sort that is always one hour from ending, as Will Fotheringham once pointed out. With 13km to go, the speed you climb at is 13km/h; with 12km to go, the speed drops to 12km/h, then to 11, and so on with always an hours’ riding left before you.
The guns had been thoroughly drained of any power after 160km over two of the most fearsome climbs in the Pyrenees; the mind was not far from cracking. I do not know what is worse; the noise of their flying droves, or their endless dancing upon the arms and legs, but the flies here are incessant. It is hard enough, climbing at track-stand speed, without the added challenge of doing so while wildly swinging an arm or two about and cursing every manner of airborne invertebrate.
The reserves were tapped and the bottom of the V-Well scraped for every bit of speed in an effort to escape this torturous hell. Above the treeline and into the pastures, the flies found more appealing hosts than boney Cyclists, and I was left to once again commune with butterflies – the only sort of flying insect I find at all tolerable.
Every summertime climb I have ever done has been accompanied by these pests; and every summertime climb – irrespective of my fitness – has been enjoyed at a maximum speed of just under 12 kilometers per hour. Having insects capable of flying a bit faster than the struggling cyclist is Nature’s enforcement of Rule #5, it is the Way of Things.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
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@Xyverz
Haleakala is very mellow for the most part; 6% or so. The top is around 15% or 35% if you believe what your legs tell you when you're riding it. Its not a hard climb in any respect other than the fact that its 60km long and goes up quite high to 3050m. From sea level.
L'Alpe is much steeper - 8% or so, with some sections in the 10% range, but its only 13km and change. Most Alpine climbs are like that - in the 7-9% range and reasonably consistent in gradient. The Pyreneean climbs are maybe a hair steeper, but the gradients vary much, much more which makes them much harder for a diesel like me to ride.
@Marcus
And this is a pocket knife, right?
@teocalli
Ya. Bees. I'm so allergic that if I get stung and don't get a epi pen jammed in my leg I'll die.
But anyway, my good friend and teammate was out on a ride, last summer I think, and a bee landed on his crotch and stung him on "the hood". Said that he must have been quite a sight to passing motorists slapping at his junk, screaming and almost weaving out into traffic. It's funny because it didn't happen to me...........
@Alexandre Cruz
I can't believe you can see them in the picture. Yuck.
@snoov
Double yuck. And I'm talking about the hair. FFS.
@DerHoggz
Please don't quote that fucking image. It's going to make me puke.
@snoov
Sorry to burst your bubble, mate, but I'm really just taking the piss. The universal climbing speed is actually V.
@scaler911
You should not have put those two together as somehow it doesn't feel right to be laughing so hard at something that starts "if I get stung I could die".................though I have to wonder what he was doing at the time as it doesn't sound like something that would be attributed to a quick pee stop.......or is this through the shorts and Assos could pick up on "padding so thick a bee sting won't penetrate"?
Being from the west of Scotland, I can verify the horror that is a cloud of midges. One of the strips for time trials at Langbank was in a dank, shady lay-by. Heaven for midges, pure hell for riders hanging about to hear the results.
On another note regarding flying terrors, something, not sure what, stung me in the right testicle the other week. The pain, together with the sheer unexpectedness of it, took some time to get over.
@Ron
I wish this was a clearer photo. I loved this bike. It had the Scott AT-4 handlebars and a Rock Shock. BADASS.
@Teocalli
He was just riding along and it stung him through the lycra. And I felt bad laughing (so hard I was crying) when he told me the story. But isn't comedy just other peoples pain/ misfortune?
As for me, we have epi-pens everywhere. I forgot to bring one on a ride one time, a bee flew into my unzipped jersey. I got stung. It's not a instant reaction, I have around 10-15min before things go bad. I rode toward my parents (I keep one there too) about 2 miles away. I passed a house where some paramedics station at (friends of mine) and they were there thankfully. In that short time (maybe 8-10min) my heart rate was around 160, blood pressure 70/40, hives everywhere and throat swelling. Not good. Epi IV at that point. I don't forget that pen anymore.
I love bees BTW. I used to keep them, which is how I became allergic. Got stung ~80 times moving a hive with just a hood, not the whole protective suit. Ah well............
@scaler911 so should this be a new line of penetration testing for cycle shorts and padding...........?