Categories: CyclotourismFolkloreLa Vie VelominatusNostalgia

Allez la Douze: Dropping Flies

The switchbacks of Luz Ardiden

An ancient Velominati legend states that when the The Prophet created the common fly, he gave it a maximum air speed of exactly 12 kilometers per hour. When he created the common Cyclist, on the other hand, he gave us a maximum climbing speed of 11.9 kilometers per hour.

The worst flies on the planet live in the Pyrenees, where it is hot and humid. I recall an overcast typical day in the Pyrenees, the kind of day where the flies pull back the drapes, look outside, and decide to take the whole family out to the Cols for an afternoon of Cyclist Surfing. As it happened, we were on a big ride that day; we started with the Col d’Aspin, went over the Tourmalet, and ended at Luz Ardiden as the sun was tucking in behind the shoulders of the mountains surrounding us.

It was here, on the lower slopes of the last climb, down within the suffocating effect of the tree line where our sanity was most severely tested. Luz Ardiden is the cruelest kind of climb, the sort that is always one hour from ending, as Will Fotheringham once pointed out. With 13km to go, the speed you climb at is 13km/h; with 12km to go, the speed drops to 12km/h, then to 11, and so on with always an hours’ riding left before you.

The guns had been thoroughly drained of any power after 160km over two of the most fearsome climbs in the Pyrenees; the mind was not far from cracking. I do not know what is worse; the noise of their flying droves, or their endless dancing upon the arms and legs, but the flies here are incessant. It is hard enough, climbing at track-stand speed, without the added challenge of doing so while wildly swinging an arm or two about and cursing every manner of airborne invertebrate.

The reserves were tapped and the bottom of the V-Well scraped for every bit of speed in an effort to escape this torturous hell. Above the treeline and into the pastures, the flies found more appealing hosts than boney Cyclists, and I was left to once again commune with butterflies – the only sort of flying insect I find at all tolerable.

Every summertime climb I have ever done has been accompanied by these pests; and every summertime climb – irrespective of my fitness – has been enjoyed at a maximum speed of just under 12 kilometers per hour. Having insects capable of flying a bit faster than the struggling cyclist is Nature’s enforcement of Rule #5, it is the Way of Things.

Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Steve-o says:

Sep 17 2013 at 8:43 am

On the climb to the bison farm the occasional horsefly will land on my butt (Rule #14 compliant) and take a bite. After reading some of these tales, I'll chaulk it up to the flies doing some coaching. I'll take New England most days.
snoov says:

Sep 17 2013 at 8:53 am

@frank

@snoov

As I climbed some of the lesser Cols in the summer 12kph seemed just about my average, maybe a little lower. To read here that it's the universal climbing speed fills me with joy

Sorry to burst your bubble, mate, but I'm really just taking the piss. The universal climbing speed is actually V.

Thought it was way too slow and wouldn't have been able to explain the dudes who sailed past me, or my riding buddies who I couldn't keep up with. There was one amazing moment though when later on Col de la Crois Fry one of them shouted from behind me, " I know I'll never live this down Nick, but could you ease it off a bit." I'd shifted right up onto the rivet and got a second wind or was holding it in with the nose of the saddle, while meditating on Rule #20.
Xyverz says:

Sep 17 2013 at 10:30 am

@snoov

@frank

@snoov

As I climbed some of the lesser Cols in the summer 12kph seemed just about my average, maybe a little lower. To read here that it's the universal climbing speed fills me with joy

Sorry to burst your bubble, mate, but I'm really just taking the piss. The universal climbing speed is actually V.

Thought it was way too slow and wouldn't have been able to explain the dudes who sailed past me, or my riding buddies who I couldn't keep up with. There was one amazing moment though when later on Col de la Crois Fry one of them shouted from behind me, " I know I'll never live this down Nick, but could you ease it off a bit." I'd shifted right up onto the rivet and got a second wind or was holding it in with the nose of the saddle, while meditating on Rule #20.

My current climbing speed on much of anything these days is only about 6kph. Yeah, I'm slow, but I have gravity on my side for the descents!
VeloVita says:

Sep 17 2013 at 11:16 am

@Mike_P

@Frank you Dutch photographic plagiarist. I refer you to my gravatar, shot by me as I topped Luz Ardiden last year ha! For me, the most beautiful view in that part of the Pyrenees.

I'm confused. Shouldn't a gravatar simply be an avatar of your gravel bike?
frank says:

Sep 17 2013 at 11:18 am

@Barracuda

Im with @Marcus, our flies, and every other fkn animal not chained up down here, are big bastards and they hunt you down and deliberately get a free ride just to piss us off more.

e.g. Saturdays ride of a mere 50kms I was privileged enough to have a veritable zoo along the route, from said flies, 3 marauding magpies spaced evenly along the sojourn so as to lull me into a false sense of security till the next attack, redneck utility drivers and a big stinkin' slow moving Brown snake that I suspect was just waiting for a slow moving cyclist in Rapha (me) to come along and start the season off nicely.

So @frank, having never been to the beautiful part of the world you are describing, I can only imagine it to smell like roses and be full of butterflies as I hoped it would be.

The photo looks to darn idyllic to be anything but.

I have made a point of disliking anything that can kill me, a dislike which rises proportionally to how stealthily it can do it. Not sure I'm made for Aus.
frank says:

Sep 17 2013 at 11:21 am

@Richy Pea

The next days is just that - another day and The Man with the Hammer will be close at hand. I think he might own a Gite near La Mongie because I always seem to meet him in the tunnels around there...

I love that part of the climb, and I love the feeling that you're almost done with that monster because you're riding through what is sometimes the finish line. And then you ride past it and realize you have a long bastard of a climb still ahead to reach the col.

The restaurant holds some very happy memories as we refueled and downed a few too many pints to make the descent down the other side come anywhere close to resembling safety.
frank says:

Sep 17 2013 at 11:27 am

@girl I have it on the excellent authority of Google that the March Fly is what we call Horse Flies. They are indeed bastards and I'm willing to bet they are bigger in Australia, partly to compensate for @Marcus's inferiority complex.

It is very satisfying to catch one, roll it between your fingers and then tear the head off. A tad sinister, but when you're at your wits end, weird things happen.
frank says:

Sep 17 2013 at 11:30 am

@ChrisO

My vote goes to midges too... much worse than any standard fly.

Not as bad individually as a horsefly but those tend to be lone attackers. Midges swarm.

We have the occasional wasp - a bit like the ones you get in France. I had one go down my jersey once and he just kept stinging me until I could get him out.

But my single worst insectal experience on a bike has to be the time that a bee flew into my mouth and stung me on the tongue. Lucky I'm not allergic, but it was extremely painful and swollen and I had to get tweezers and pull the sting out when I got home.

I've had both those happen, and also in the helmet. September seems to be bee/wasp stinger.

My worst insect experience was somewhere in the woods when I stopped to answer the call of nature and accidentally peed on a ground bee's nest.
Nate says:

Sep 17 2013 at 11:37 am

@frank Horse flies are big but that is their weakness; they are an easy target. Dear flies bite harder, and are smaller and faster.

As for the "horrible" Australian fauna, I am beginning to suspect it's a myth intended to keep others away from what is actually a really nice place. Kind of like the horror stories about endless rain in the PNW, right?
frank says:

Sep 17 2013 at 11:40 am

@Teocalli

@scaler911 so should this be a new line of penetration testing for cycle shorts and padding...........?

The next V-Bib will feature a kevlar chamois.

@scaler911

Keeping bees is one thing I'll never do. I am not afraid of them - the pain from their stings goes away after a bit - but fuck me if they're not hateful little bastards.

I do like honey, though, so I'm glad someone keeps bees.