Categories: Anatomy of a PhotoAwesome French GuysFolkloreNostalgia

Anatomy Of A Photo: Mad Jacques, Pioneer Of Neutral Service

“OÃ¹ est ma voiture banane?”

Whenever you see one of those yellow cars or motorcycles laden with spare wheels and manned by efficiently deliberate young professionals with no allegiance or favour to any one rider, take a moment to reflect on the oft-overlooked pioneer of the neutral service as we know it today, M. Jacques Mavic.

Usually only sighted once a year in July, Jacques would appear out of the thin air of the Alps, armed with his trusty Silca and a set of nail clippers, offering assistance to any rider that needed it. Most of the time, they didn’t, but they knew when that mad glint lit up in his eyes, there was no course of action beyond waiting for the police to arrive while Jacques manically pumped an already inflated tyre while yelling “Mes tÃªtards émigrent”.

The last known sighting of M. Mavic (which translates literally as “replace me”) was around 1957 around Grenoble. The only remaining evidence of Jacques’ and his innovative service work is his oil-stained raincoat and a matchbox containing a 3/16 ball bearing tangled in hair, now housed in the Plumbers Museum in Oudenaarde. With only patchy anecdotal history to go by, the life of Jacques is still one of mystery, violence and paté.

*What do you know of Jacques’ history?

Brett

Don't blame me

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View Comments

Buck Rogers says:

Nov 14 2014 at 7:15 am

@Nate

@Buck Rogers don't forget the sister, Gonorrhea.

@brett so difficult to tell the difference between OD and murder. If only M Poirot could have been induced to investigate the case of a lowly fellow Walloon. But no, Hercule was too busy indulging his Anglophilia, from Sussex to Monaco and points oriental.

All of my kids and family have been warned that when I finish my military career I am going to (attempt to) grow a Poirot mustache immediately!!!
Buck Rogers says:

Nov 14 2014 at 7:15 am

@wiscot

@Buck Rogers

@brett

@wiscot

I have to say, the afflicted rider is showing levels of calmness not repeated until Tommeke in Paris-Roubaix in 2011. Of course, I doubt he can get a word in edgeways as I'll bet Mad Jacques talked like a mad fucker on speed.

Yes, the rider is none other than Henri Simplex ('Simple Henry'), who was Jacques' preferred target as Henri, being the village idiot, would always cede and never put up any resistance to Jacques' manic inflating.

Here we see Henri's trademark 'nipple goggles' worn proudly around the chest, and it looks as though his front jersey pockets are stuffed with walnuts and a head of cabbage, which his mother would pack for him every ride. She is out of frame to the left, also yelling at Henri to "pick up some lawn clippings on the way home." Rumours abounded in the village that in fact Jacques and Mrs Mavic had a long and steamy affair, possibly resulting in the birth of Henri.

I think that the Misses and Jacques also gave birth to Henri's younger brother and thus also created a long lasting legacy forever remembered in the lore of love. They named him Herpes with much affection.

I thought Herpes was one of the Greek gods? The messenger of the gods with wee wings on his feet. He carried a herald's wand and wore a traveler's cap. The pump is clearly the wand and his beret is the cap. So in actuality, Mad Jacques is actually Herpes in disguise.

Ha! YES! You must be right!
PeakInTwoYears says:

Nov 14 2014 at 7:40 am

@Buck Rogers

@Nate

@Buck Rogers don't forget the sister, Gonorrhea.

@brett so difficult to tell the difference between OD and murder. If only M Poirot could have been induced to investigate the case of a lowly fellow Walloon. But no, Hercule was too busy indulging his Anglophilia, from Sussex to Monaco and points oriental.

All of my kids and family have been warned that when I finish my military career I am going to (attempt to) grow a Poirot mustache immediately!!!

Moving to Portland, then, are you? There's a 'cross racer there who could be your 'stache sensei.
Teocalli says:

Nov 14 2014 at 7:44 am

@wiscot

@Buck Rogers

@brett

@wiscot

I have to say, the afflicted rider is showing levels of calmness not repeated until Tommeke in Paris-Roubaix in 2011. Of course, I doubt he can get a word in edgeways as I'll bet Mad Jacques talked like a mad fucker on speed.

Yes, the rider is none other than Henri Simplex ('Simple Henry'), who was Jacques' preferred target as Henri, being the village idiot, would always cede and never put up any resistance to Jacques' manic inflating.

Here we see Henri's trademark 'nipple goggles' worn proudly around the chest, and it looks as though his front jersey pockets are stuffed with walnuts and a head of cabbage, which his mother would pack for him every ride. She is out of frame to the left, also yelling at Henri to "pick up some lawn clippings on the way home." Rumours abounded in the village that in fact Jacques and Mrs Mavic had a long and steamy affair, possibly resulting in the birth of Henri.

I think that the Misses and Jacques also gave birth to Henri's younger brother and thus also created a long lasting legacy forever remembered in the lore of love. They named him Herpes with much affection.

I thought Herpes was one of the Greek gods? The messenger of the gods with wee wings on his feet. He carried a herald's wand and wore a traveler's cap. The pump is clearly the wand and his beret is the cap. So in actuality, Mad Jacques is actually Herpes in disguise.

Wasn't Herpes the Greek King of the Mountains God from the Red Polka Dots hence the origin of the jersey?
wiscot says:

Nov 14 2014 at 9:44 am

@Buck Rogers

@Nate

@Buck Rogers don't forget the sister, Gonorrhea.

@brett so difficult to tell the difference between OD and murder. If only M Poirot could have been induced to investigate the case of a lowly fellow Walloon. But no, Hercule was too busy indulging his Anglophilia, from Sussex to Monaco and points oriental.

All of my kids and family have been warned that when I finish my military career I am going to (attempt to) grow a Poirot mustache immediately!!!

Steampunk can give you tips if you fancy the Civil War style 'tache.
wiscot says:

Nov 14 2014 at 9:46 am

@Teocalli

@wiscot

@Buck Rogers

@brett

@wiscot

I have to say, the afflicted rider is showing levels of calmness not repeated until Tommeke in Paris-Roubaix in 2011. Of course, I doubt he can get a word in edgeways as I'll bet Mad Jacques talked like a mad fucker on speed.

Yes, the rider is none other than Henri Simplex ('Simple Henry'), who was Jacques' preferred target as Henri, being the village idiot, would always cede and never put up any resistance to Jacques' manic inflating.

Here we see Henri's trademark 'nipple goggles' worn proudly around the chest, and it looks as though his front jersey pockets are stuffed with walnuts and a head of cabbage, which his mother would pack for him every ride. She is out of frame to the left, also yelling at Henri to "pick up some lawn clippings on the way home." Rumours abounded in the village that in fact Jacques and Mrs Mavic had a long and steamy affair, possibly resulting in the birth of Henri.

I think that the Misses and Jacques also gave birth to Henri's younger brother and thus also created a long lasting legacy forever remembered in the lore of love. They named him Herpes with much affection.

I thought Herpes was one of the Greek gods? The messenger of the gods with wee wings on his feet. He carried a herald's wand and wore a traveler's cap. The pump is clearly the wand and his beret is the cap. So in actuality, Mad Jacques is actually Herpes in disguise.

Wasn't Herpes the Greek King of the Mountains God from the Red Polka Dots hence the origin of the jersey?

Nah, that was his sister Chlamydia.
Nate says:

Nov 14 2014 at 9:49 am

@PeakInTwoYears

@Buck Rogers

@Nate

@Buck Rogers don't forget the sister, Gonorrhea.

@brett so difficult to tell the difference between OD and murder. If only M Poirot could have been induced to investigate the case of a lowly fellow Walloon. But no, Hercule was too busy indulging his Anglophilia, from Sussex to Monaco and points oriental.

All of my kids and family have been warned that when I finish my military career I am going to (attempt to) grow a Poirot mustache immediately!!!

Moving to Portland, then, are you? There's a 'cross racer there who could be your 'stache sensei.

If @Buck moves to Portland they better make a TV show out of it.
Nate says:

Nov 14 2014 at 9:49 am

@brett

@Nate

@brett and by the way, it was a cheap brothel, not a hotel.

I always get those two mixed up...

I wonder why?
Teocalli says:

Nov 14 2014 at 9:54 am

@wiscot I bow to your clearly superior knowledge of these things.........
Buck Rogers says:

Nov 14 2014 at 10:14 am

@wiscot

@Buck Rogers

@Nate

@Buck Rogers don't forget the sister, Gonorrhea.

@brett so difficult to tell the difference between OD and murder. If only M Poirot could have been induced to investigate the case of a lowly fellow Walloon. But no, Hercule was too busy indulging his Anglophilia, from Sussex to Monaco and points oriental.

All of my kids and family have been warned that when I finish my military career I am going to (attempt to) grow a Poirot mustache immediately!!!

Steampunk can give you tips if you fancy the Civil War style 'tache.

Steamy's fuck'in 'stache ROCKS!!! Total facial hair envy right there!!!